What happens in mexico .. stays in mexico... except when i blog about it.

So I just got back from my trip to Mexico with my family. We spent a week in Los Cabos, and our hotel was in Cobo San Jose. The trip was awesome! We went parasailing, horseback riding, scuba diving, played at the beach, and most importantly took lots of naps by the pool/ocean :) BUT I ended up taking home more than just a sunburn from my trip. Surprise surprise Jaron has another "life lesson" to share! But this one is cool !

         There were several times where I was truly humbled on this trip. This one was the most profound to me:
We were sitting on a bus after a fun day at the beach. And I had been loudly complaining about how my skin was peeling because of my sunburn and saying that I "looked like a freaking leper!" After about ten minuets of quietly sitting on the bus I started to do what I always do in a bus... evesdrop on everyone elses conversations. And I couldn't help but overhear one mans conversation (he was seriously a loud guy). I noticed that he was getting to know everyone on his row and introducing himself and his family to everyone. I was amazed at not only his kindness, but his willingness to REALLY get to know people. Not just the surface "how are you" crap we usually do. Then as we were getting ready to head off the bus and I turned back to see the loud man I had been listening to, and when I saw him my heart just sunk. The man had been badly burned all over his face and the left side of his body. Very few facial features were recognizeable on his right side, and on the left side there were no facial features at all. I looked down at the hand he had been greeting people with and saw a small mishaped nub with four fingers on it.
             
This man had every reason to hide quietly in the back of the bus... but he didn't. He wasn't concerned with superficial things, he just wanted to talk to people and make friends. I thought back on how I had been loudly complaining about my skin peeling off my forhead and started to feel sick with regret. NEVER again will I complain about stupid superficial things that don't matter. Its my new goal to take care of my body and appearance without obsessing over it. And beyond that I want to emulate that mans willingness to get out there and meet people. If someone like that can put themselves out there with no shame, no hiding, and no fear, what could possible hold ME back? 

Just a little something to ponder on :)

A little explaining

Remember that one time i was like "hey i'm going to byu this fall" and then like two days later i was like "hey...just kidding".... ya that was cool. I blame it on the bipolar thing (even though that really has nothing to do with it heh). Well here is a little explanation.

The biggest reason I decided to transfer to the University of Utah is pretty simple. I MATTER. I was staying at BYU because it has a world class Music Dance Theatre training program and decided to try my best to ignore the things that I couldn't tolerate. There were a lot of things at BYU that just simiply weren't right for ME. (i'm not byu bashing i explain in my final paragraph be patient) I have never been overly religious for starters. I had a difficult time having the church thrown in my face a lot. It works for some people and thats awesome, but it pushed me away from it. I am also not really comfortable being myself there. Like many others I had to hide who I really am in order to fit in and meet the criteria of the schools standards. And potentially lying to faculty and administration is someting I will never be comfortable doing.

 During my year at BYU I learned a lot as a performer. I cherish the education I had there and I really don't regret it. But being there for a year, and being diagnosed bipolar/lots of other personal life drama, taught me that I have to care for my personal life ALONG WITH my career in order to maintain some sanity. And my personal life at BYU wasn't what I needed. I need openess, communication, acceptanence, self exploration, and freedom. I didn't find those things in Utah Valley.

One of the best ways to battle depression and low confidence is to learn to truly love yourself. And as I was pondering how to do that I kept asking myself this question: "How can I learn to love and accept myself if I have to hide it?" For me to grow as a performer I have to be comfortable with who I REALLY am. And that didn't happen for me at the Y. In fact the opposite happened. I began hating myself and trying to change to fit someone elses mold. Well that is NOT happening anymore.

The University of Utah MTP program may not have the same reputation as BYU MDT yet but what it does have is an opportunity for me to study from the world renound Ballet Department , the incredible Actors Training Program, and the first class Vocal Department.I get to take summer intensive classes in NY with some of the top schools in the country, and work consistantly with Broadway Casting Agents and other professionals in the classroom throughout my four years and then showcase in New York for those agents I'll have worked with along with those they invite. (don't ask how they got all this stuff just know dave schmidt is magic somehow makes things like this happen) And along with that I get to be myself and HOPEFULLY learn to love ME a little more.... and take further steps toward healing from my super annoying mental illness :)

I don't want this post to be a BYU bashing one. I LOVED a lot of things about BYU and I completely respect it, the faculty and students. I made some of the best friends that I have EVER had while I was there and I really did have a good time. BYU is a great school, it just wasn't the right fit for me.

DECISIONS... again

The great thing about decisions is... they don't always have to be final. So .... University of Utah here I come.

Shifting My Focus

Anyone who is close to me will tell you that I am quite possibly the most flaky person to ever have walked the face of the earth. I pinky promise I am not that way because I hate my friends, or because i don't care about people. I tend to become a hermit when I get into a depressed state and sometimes that lasts for hours, days, minuets, I never really know. I have been in and out of that sort of state fairly severely for the past couple of weeks. And unfortuantely, because of that I have left a lot of friends alone when they needed me. So I have made a new goal for myself!

I am shifting my focus off of me. I've realized that the times I am most depressed are the times I sit and think about myself. And yes sometimes its healthy to have time for yourself and you can't ignore your own problems... but still, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget yourself. I love the Christian idea that service is the most important thing you can do. I thnk that is very true. There is no better way to show love than to be there for someone. And really there is no better feeling in the world than to know that you have helped a friend in need. I absolutely love being that person people feel they can go to and just talk about whatever. And I love to give advice to people (cue most of my blog entries... ya).

So from here on out I'm not going to let myself think about... myself (ya i couldn't think of a cooler way to put that) for more than a few hours in a day. I have to be looking for opportunites to give and help because I really think its one of the only ways we can find peace.

So there's another post about how I'm changing my life. Maybe this is getting a little old... but I think what makes our lives so amazing is the idea that we are continually progressing. We have our entire lives to become better and better people every day. So... if you so choose... PROGRESS WITH ME!!

DECISION MADE

So here is the story I didn't tell previously when I was asking for help on some decision making. I was thinking about switching to the University of Utah for their new Music Theatre Program after a broadway casting director (chris nichols) advised me to change schools. And while I have always kept the idea of transferring from BYU to a different school open, I was just very unsure about going to the U, and also leaving this year when I was just accepted into the Young Ambassadors. So after a lot of meditation, prayer, lack of sleep, stress, walking around both campuses, and crying. I decided it is in my best interest right now to stay at BYU at least for another year. I am SO looking forward to spending a year with the Young Ambassadors but I am still very much open to the option of leaving to a bigger school out of state just for the experience.

So here is what I learned from this whole decision making process:

- Sometimes your gut won't tell you what to do. I can't tell you how many people told me "just follow your gut", well guess what, my gut is affected by the 1200 mg of lithium and 60 mg of cymbalta I take every day so following my gut just isn't an option.
- Choices aren't always black and white. Truly there were just as many reasons for going to the U as there were going to the Y. I couldn't logic my way through it. There was no clear choice.
- Sometimes it truly DOESNT MATTER what you choose. I feel that I have the ability to find true happiness on whatever path I choose, so you can't think that by choosing "the wrong path" you are doomed to sorrow. Happiness is a gift that can ALWAYS be with you no matter where you are as long as you look for it.
-Even after a decision is made... you don't always feel relief. I was hoping that once i decided what I was doing with my year I would feel the weight drop and enjoy my summer again. But it didn't work that way. And i think it rarely does. There is always going to be fear and second guessing. My challenge now is to not let myself dwell on that. I have to live with the decision I made and look for the happiness my decision.

So the happiness I have come up with for my decision is this: I get to tour the country doing what I love with 19 amazing performers/friends. I get to meet amazing people and change their lives while they change mine. I get to be a part of something bigger than me and serve. I get to experience what it will be like to do a national tour. AND best of all I get to spend another year with my Taryn and Michael :) PLUS i get to keep all the friends in salt lake I have made PLUS I get to keep taking voice from the AMAZING David Schmidt cause i'm not letting that family out of my life just cause i'm moving to provo! So life is good. Confusing, irritating, and a bit of an emotion rollercoaster sometimes... but still very good.

CATCH ME I'M FALLING

Ya the title is from Next To Normal. Not original. But fitting.

My therapist once asked me "what does it feel like when you experience a fall from a manic state to a depressive one?" I couldn't answer the question at first. Truly its a very difficult feeling to explain but all I could compair it to was this: "its like when you go up to read a cast list after an audition and your body is full of energy and then whether the outcome of this list is good or bad your body and brain sort of just.... release. And then after that its a little different from the cast list thing. I feel no hope as my mind sort of falls out of an extreme high and crashes into a very dark place." I know it sounds crazy but thats the only way I can make it make sense out loud.

Ever since about three o'clock this afternoon I have been falling. And one thing I've been working on is really examining what my body goes through when I experience emotion and what helps. I haven't found a cure but I have found what helps ease the fall a little. Music. Its really the only thing in this whole world that can have complete control over my crazy emotions. All I have to do is turn on "september" by earth wind and fire and suddenly the emotional fall becomes more gradual. Less painful. And more managable.

Life can be hard sometimes. Its full of difficult decisions, painful memories, and heartache. But I've learned that sometimes the only thing in the whole world that can catch me when I'm falling is EARTH WIND AND FIRE. A song, a stupid little melody and some meaningless lyrics, can change my perspective in an instant. And suddenly life is full of  opportunities, learning experiences, and love. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfLEc09tTjI

DECISIONS

When I was eight if I wanted to do something I would ask my parents and they would tell me what to do. I didn't think much of it back then, its just the way it was. When I was twelve and I wanted to stay out late with my friends it wasn't my decision it was my parents'. Nothing was worse than that to me at the time. When I was seventeen I wanted to transfer last minuet to BYU instead of weber and my parents helped me set up a good way to make that happen. All my life I've relied on mommy and daddy to tell me what to do, to give me boundries, to help me decide. Now I'm faced with another huge decision and I realized I don't have that anymore. I'm an adult (sort of). I have to make my own decision. I would kill to be eight again. "mommy should i stay at byu?" and then she tell me what to do. It would be easier that way. There would be no option for regret if it wasn't on my shoulders.

Normallly my blog posts are about a life lesson I've learned from something in my life.. but I haven't learned the lesson yet. I'm still in the middle of the confusion. So this post is a cry for help. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm terrible at making decisions. Here are some things I've tried so far: talking about it, blogging about it, praying about it, writing pro-con lists, etc. And so far I can't come up with a good answer. So anyone who is reading this PLEASE tell me how you make big decisions in life! Give me advice! And then later when I figure out my life I'll share the WHOLE story i'm sort of avoiding telling the internet for now... and then explain my fabulous life lesson ;)