I hate my birthday. I have for a very long time. My excuse was always that there is "too much expectation" and "too much attention on me" or "i dont' like planning things for myself." But the truth is that for a long time my birthday was more than just a fun day of cake and partying. It was another stroke on the ticking time bomb that was my existance. I know that sounds really melodramatic, but thats really what I thought when I was younger. I knew that with every birthday I was another year closer to the day when my personal life would explode (aka coming out of the closet) and I would have to either kill myself or run away and never come back. (no wonder i developed mental problems!) I didn't really have a lot of perspective back then, but none the less I usually spent the night before my birthday crying in my room trying desperately to think of a way to avoid the peril in my future.
But what about now? I am turning 20 this saturday and my life is in no danger of exploding. The day I dreaded so much in my early teen years has passed and I'm doing just fine. As a matter of fact I'm better than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm comfortable with who I am, turns out my family is pretty cool witht he whole gay thing, I live in a nice apartment, I have great friends, a bright future, I'm getting a fabulous education and wonderful performance opportunities, exposure to important people, blah blah blah...
Looking back on all those years I wasted in paralyzing fear I have a lot of regrets. I regret wasting 20 years of my life dreading my future, hating myself, and hiding from the world. I wish I could go back and convince the young me that I WOULD BE OK. I wish I could have had a more normal childhood....... one where I didn't cry on my birthday. One where I didn't wish I were somewhere or someone else all the time.
I was watching a documentary online about four former LDS men who spend their lives in the church in Utah, served missions, came out of the closet and left the church. While I think the documentary spent too much time focused on useless bitter feeligns toward the LDS faith, one man's outlook on his life really touched me. He spoke of his upbringing in utah saying "Twenty years of shame.... I'll take that for another 60 years of happiness."."
Thats what my 20th birthday is going to mean to me this year. A new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn't full of secrets, pain, and useless guilt. In my next 60+ years I'm going to live the life I never thought I could have. A life that will hopefully include a successful career, a husband, a family, and broadway of course :)
so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
PRIDE
A few weeks ago my brother was talking with someone in my home ward in syracuse and was asked "so what are we supposed to ASSUME about Jaron....." (in refrence to my sexuality). Thats when I realized that I never really OFICIALLY came out of the closet... i just sort of assumed everyone knew. So this blog is my thoughts on my sexuality and my "coming out" story for those who have never heard it.
I have known I was gay since I can remember. When I was young I never really could put a name to it but I knew I was different. Then in my later elementary years kids started mocking me by calling me GAY and even though it hurt... I realized they were right! Ever since that point I made it my number 1 priority to keep my sexualitiy secret. I was convinced that if anyone found out about it my life would be over.
Like most closeted homosexuals, I hated myself in my through jr high and high school years because of my secret. I saw nothing but pain in my future. In my mind, if i came out of the closet I would be disowned by my family and friends and have to run away from Utah. But if I stayed in the closet I would be expected to serve a mission and marry a woman which was also not a very appealing choice. So I decided around the age of 12 or 13 that I would kill myself before I turned 19 so that I wouldn't ever have to tell anyone my secret or live through the torture that would be my future. I stuck to that plan for a very long time and truly intended to follow through with it... until the time to actually do it came closer. (little did i know i WOULD actually attempt it years later under COMPLETELY different circumstances haha)
The summer before I started college I realized that I both didn't want to attend Weber State for musical theatre, and that I really didn't want to kill myself OR come out of the closet. So I decided BYU would be the best place for me to fulfill both of those ideas. I thought that if I went there it would be easier for me to hide my sexuality.. and maybe even develope an attraction for women. About 3 weeks into going to school there I realized how bad of a decision that was. It was at that point that the mood swings I had experienced quietly for several years became very strong. I went through a very powerful phase of depression for several weeks. It got so bad that I hated singing, dancing, acting, friends, everything. I felt like I was about to cry at almost every moment of the day. I really needed to talk with someone about what I was feeling... but I wasn't ready to tell close family and friends yet... so I told my friend Courtney Bullard. We were not particulary close but we had a good relationship and I knew her to be very logical and kind and trustworthy so I "came out" to her first. It was an amazing feeling to finally be able to say it! I felt a little bit of the weight I had been carrying for 18 years lifted... but there was still something not right. I told her that I was gay.. but that I beleived it was a trial from god and that it was something wanted to overcome. I was still too afraid to say I MADE A MISTAKE COMING HERE and I WANT TO BE MYSELF. About a week later I was driving home from sunday dinner in syracuse when I experienced a very overwhelming panic attack. I pulled over on the side of the freeway and cried for about 45 minuets. I cried till my stomach cramped up and I couldn't cry anymore. I called my friend Sadie ... and she convinced me to see a doctor.
I went to the doctor and explained that I had experienced a lot of depression since early high school years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. As we were driving home from the doctor my mom asked me what was going on.... and since i was so depressed and apathetic toward my existance at the time I gave in and said "i'm gay" to her. Her response was simply " i know."( she said it as if i were silly for even THINKING it was a secret haha) I then told her the same story I told Courtney. That I beleived I would overcome my "trial" in time with the lords help. As I told more and more people I was gay, I found that telling them I was planning on fighting it made it easeir for them to accept it ... so I kept saying it.. and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of completely new lies.
The rest of my year at BYU was filled with really hard classes and really stupid doctors. I went to a therapist in Provo who attempted to change my sexual orientation. Turns out EVERY major medical journal or study shows that attempting to change one's sexual orientation is dangerous and does permanent psychological damage... as if i needed more of that :) haha. Needless to say it didn't work. I was eventually diagnosed BIPOLAR not depressed, and started taking medicine and therapy for THAT problem.. not my sexual orientation. At the end of my year at BYU I was accepted into the MDT program as well as the BYU YOUNG AMBASSADORS. I was thrilled with my accomplishments... but the idea of spending 3 more years at that school was too painful to bare. (don't get me wrong i have wondeful friends there who i still love dearly) So once again I decided to transfer last minuet to the University of Utah where I would try starting over as an openly gay man.
On the first day of singing class my teacher Dave asked us to go around and say what made us "freaks" (in reference to the song FREAK FLAG from shrek the musical) When it was my turn i said "well... i am a gay mormon transfer from byu... doesn't get much freakier than that." And a beautiful thing happened... no one felt sorry for me. No one talked to me about trials, how brave i am, or how i must have been a mighty saint in the pre existance to receive such a difficult trial. As a matter of fact... no one cared! For the first time in my life I felt like I could be EXACTLY who I always wanted. That was the first time in my adult life I was glad I didn't kill myself after I graduated high school.
I am often asked if I know the church's opinion on the "issue of same gender attraction"( i hate that phrase). The answer is yes. As a matter of fact I probably know a lot more about it that most people because its my LIFE. So PLEASE don't think I'm ignorant, I've read every pamphlet, scripture verse, and conference talk on the subect. I've done therapy sessions with a man with a masters in psychology from BYU with an emphasis in human sexuality.. specifically homosexuality. I've had discussions and given pamphelts to my bishop so HE could be more educated on the subject. I made my decisions with all that information in mind... and I still whole heartedly beleive I made the right one.
So my "coming out" process took about a year... and was pretty gradual... and pretty dramatic. And after all of that here is what I have discovered: I deserve to love and be loved just like anyone else. God loves me and made me the way I am . There is no way to LOVE yourself if you are constantly trying to force yourself to change to fit a mold. I have an amazing and wonderfully supportive family and I hope that all Latter Day Saints strive to be as open minded as my parents. Finally ...... "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:15. I will NEVER hide my light under a bushel again.
I have known I was gay since I can remember. When I was young I never really could put a name to it but I knew I was different. Then in my later elementary years kids started mocking me by calling me GAY and even though it hurt... I realized they were right! Ever since that point I made it my number 1 priority to keep my sexualitiy secret. I was convinced that if anyone found out about it my life would be over.
Like most closeted homosexuals, I hated myself in my through jr high and high school years because of my secret. I saw nothing but pain in my future. In my mind, if i came out of the closet I would be disowned by my family and friends and have to run away from Utah. But if I stayed in the closet I would be expected to serve a mission and marry a woman which was also not a very appealing choice. So I decided around the age of 12 or 13 that I would kill myself before I turned 19 so that I wouldn't ever have to tell anyone my secret or live through the torture that would be my future. I stuck to that plan for a very long time and truly intended to follow through with it... until the time to actually do it came closer. (little did i know i WOULD actually attempt it years later under COMPLETELY different circumstances haha)
The summer before I started college I realized that I both didn't want to attend Weber State for musical theatre, and that I really didn't want to kill myself OR come out of the closet. So I decided BYU would be the best place for me to fulfill both of those ideas. I thought that if I went there it would be easier for me to hide my sexuality.. and maybe even develope an attraction for women. About 3 weeks into going to school there I realized how bad of a decision that was. It was at that point that the mood swings I had experienced quietly for several years became very strong. I went through a very powerful phase of depression for several weeks. It got so bad that I hated singing, dancing, acting, friends, everything. I felt like I was about to cry at almost every moment of the day. I really needed to talk with someone about what I was feeling... but I wasn't ready to tell close family and friends yet... so I told my friend Courtney Bullard. We were not particulary close but we had a good relationship and I knew her to be very logical and kind and trustworthy so I "came out" to her first. It was an amazing feeling to finally be able to say it! I felt a little bit of the weight I had been carrying for 18 years lifted... but there was still something not right. I told her that I was gay.. but that I beleived it was a trial from god and that it was something wanted to overcome. I was still too afraid to say I MADE A MISTAKE COMING HERE and I WANT TO BE MYSELF. About a week later I was driving home from sunday dinner in syracuse when I experienced a very overwhelming panic attack. I pulled over on the side of the freeway and cried for about 45 minuets. I cried till my stomach cramped up and I couldn't cry anymore. I called my friend Sadie ... and she convinced me to see a doctor.
I went to the doctor and explained that I had experienced a lot of depression since early high school years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. As we were driving home from the doctor my mom asked me what was going on.... and since i was so depressed and apathetic toward my existance at the time I gave in and said "i'm gay" to her. Her response was simply " i know."( she said it as if i were silly for even THINKING it was a secret haha) I then told her the same story I told Courtney. That I beleived I would overcome my "trial" in time with the lords help. As I told more and more people I was gay, I found that telling them I was planning on fighting it made it easeir for them to accept it ... so I kept saying it.. and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of completely new lies.
The rest of my year at BYU was filled with really hard classes and really stupid doctors. I went to a therapist in Provo who attempted to change my sexual orientation. Turns out EVERY major medical journal or study shows that attempting to change one's sexual orientation is dangerous and does permanent psychological damage... as if i needed more of that :) haha. Needless to say it didn't work. I was eventually diagnosed BIPOLAR not depressed, and started taking medicine and therapy for THAT problem.. not my sexual orientation. At the end of my year at BYU I was accepted into the MDT program as well as the BYU YOUNG AMBASSADORS. I was thrilled with my accomplishments... but the idea of spending 3 more years at that school was too painful to bare. (don't get me wrong i have wondeful friends there who i still love dearly) So once again I decided to transfer last minuet to the University of Utah where I would try starting over as an openly gay man.
On the first day of singing class my teacher Dave asked us to go around and say what made us "freaks" (in reference to the song FREAK FLAG from shrek the musical) When it was my turn i said "well... i am a gay mormon transfer from byu... doesn't get much freakier than that." And a beautiful thing happened... no one felt sorry for me. No one talked to me about trials, how brave i am, or how i must have been a mighty saint in the pre existance to receive such a difficult trial. As a matter of fact... no one cared! For the first time in my life I felt like I could be EXACTLY who I always wanted. That was the first time in my adult life I was glad I didn't kill myself after I graduated high school.
I am often asked if I know the church's opinion on the "issue of same gender attraction"( i hate that phrase). The answer is yes. As a matter of fact I probably know a lot more about it that most people because its my LIFE. So PLEASE don't think I'm ignorant, I've read every pamphlet, scripture verse, and conference talk on the subect. I've done therapy sessions with a man with a masters in psychology from BYU with an emphasis in human sexuality.. specifically homosexuality. I've had discussions and given pamphelts to my bishop so HE could be more educated on the subject. I made my decisions with all that information in mind... and I still whole heartedly beleive I made the right one.
So my "coming out" process took about a year... and was pretty gradual... and pretty dramatic. And after all of that here is what I have discovered: I deserve to love and be loved just like anyone else. God loves me and made me the way I am . There is no way to LOVE yourself if you are constantly trying to force yourself to change to fit a mold. I have an amazing and wonderfully supportive family and I hope that all Latter Day Saints strive to be as open minded as my parents. Finally ...... "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:15. I will NEVER hide my light under a bushel again.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I get by with a little help from my friends :)
ha litIts not easy to be my friend. I'm a lot of fun to the point of obnoxious and recklessness for a while... then I hide away in my room from the whole world and don't answer my phone. I get irritated quickly and say rude things that I don't mean. I forget about other peoples feelings. I send those really obnoxious one word texts like "ok" and "fine" because I don't have the energy to type a complete thought. I push people away because when I'm sad I don't think I deserve love. And these things get worse and worse every month so it gets harder and harder to hide them. But there is a beautiful group of people that love me despite all of these awful flaws. These are the people that I stay alive for when I'm sad, and the people I can't wait to play with when I'm manic. So... here is just a few of the people in my amazing support system.
I don't know how... but me and her just get eachother. its a grey and yang thing.
I mean beautiful and a sense of humor. who could ask for anything more?
I mean... this picture pretty much sums it up :)
This picture was taken the days before I went to the hospital. They brought me that hat to make me feel better, left me lots of funny voicemails, pretended like nothing happened so i wouldn't feel weird coming back, oh and the one in the hat never left my bedside :)
my best friend in the world.
i mean... who else in this world would have the patience to take my crazy 2 am phonecalls :)
i survived a year in UTAH VALLEY because of this beautiful girl.
it takes a very special person to live with me... thats all i'm sayin :)
this is like the only picture we have together because she's a newer friend... but i love her... and this is all we do anyway haha.
sometimes you find your most supportive friends in unexpected places... like at a high school prom :)
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. If anyone on this planet has a right to hate me its that beautiful girl in the pink suit... but she doesn't. she accepts me and loves me even though i haven't always been the best friend to her.
we only have three more years together, but i'll love them all FOREVER!! cheesey? i don't care.
I am so lucky to have this wonderful family. There really is no place like home :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
INSOMNIA
You know how when you experience something really scary or painful... and then when you look back at it after a few days have gone by its not that big of a deal and you can't remember why you were so freaked out? Thats sort of how I feel when I think back on really manic or really depressed days. I forget sometimes that I'm Bipolar until i'm right in the middle of an episode. So about 6 months ago I bought a journal where I write down what I'm feeling right in the middle of those crazy moments so that I can remember later. I got the idea from looking back at my blog DRAFTS that I never posted. I was looking through them and found some from my "september 19th overdose". I didn't remember this, but I got on my blog and wrote a really long emotional messy entry about what I was feeling at the time, and although it was kind of disturbing to read... it was mostly helpful to remember what was going through my head. I won't post any quotes from those entries today... maybe someday. But TODAY I'm posting about my latest issue... INSOMNIA. The following quotes are right out of my personal journal (and occassionally some commentary from daytime jaron). My goal is to someday be able to put all of these journals into a book like Terri Chenny's book MANIC.
"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."
"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."
"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)
"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)
"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."
"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)
I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!
"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."
"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."
"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)
"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)
"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."
"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)
I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!
Monday, May 16, 2011
An Education
I just wrapped up another year of college of a few weeks ago. Being a freshman AGAIN was not exactly thrilling but I love the people in Salt Lake especially my MTP family. I left BYU and moved to Salt Lake to be who I really am, And I must say, things went much differently than planned, HOWEVER I learned more than I thought I would. So I am going to do another one of my LIST blogs and talk about all the little things I've learned during my year.
- LIFE is worth living. I came very close to death in september of last year. And even though back then I didn't want to live anymore... I'm glad I'm still here.
-charcoal belongs in camp fires. NOT in my stomach.
-If my house isn't decorated really well... i don't feel at home.
- Someone can get whatever they want from me if they tell me i'm PRETTY.
- I care more about my look than I do about my personality... and I want to change that.
-People think I'm good looking on the east coast.
-I'm OBSESSED with post secret.
- I still want to be Loreli Gilmore when I grow up.
-I hate people to hear me pee so i turn on the sink everytime I use the bathroom.
-I don't know how to casually date.
- When I get really sad... i don't stop eating.
-Taco bell is my best friend/worst enemy.
-I REALLY hope love feels like a country song.
-I like country music.
-I have a weird complex about how people view me back in syracuse (the town i'm from) If I find out my old neighbors are "dissapointed" or "concerned" about me... even though i know its with love..... i get REALLY defensive and it ruins my week.
- Being LDS dosn't bring me happiness.
-I beleive in and LOVE God.
-I hate to be needed, but love needing people.
-In my darkest moments the only one who can save me is ME.
-I am bipolar.
-I love lamp light and candles.
- I am interested in stable committment from a partner.
-I'm a terrible flirt.
-My charm doesn't really read via text.... or blog for that matter.
-Watching your dreams fly out the window is even more painful than it sounds.
-I'm talented enough to receive $15,000 from a top 5 musical theatre school.
-I hold grudges.
-I complain about not getting the parts i want because I don't have the body I want. I complain about being single because I don't have the body i want.... but i'm still afraid of the gym.
-I LOVE dancing... but i might not ever be really good at it... and that kills me.
-i'm NOT good at throwing parties.
-I'm REALLY good at avoiding therapy and medication.
-I have emotional problems.... but forgetting about them and living life helps.
-People who make up problems to get attention piss me off.
-I am a master manipulator... gotta stop that.
-i get dizzy before I get really manic.
-i like graveyards
-I REALLY want someone to love me
-"i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damnit people like me"
-I am a record breaking over reactor.
-If anything is going to hold me back from being a good dancer... its insomnia. Why are ballet classes always before 9 am????
-there's no place like home..
-people who can just fall asleep at a decent hour without a problem don't know how lucky they are.
-i'm pretty much always thinking about one of three things... belting.... my love life... or food.
-i'm never satisfied with two of the things listed above.
-karli rose lowry is the funniest person on the planet.
- I tear up when people tell me they think i would make a good father.
-I want to be a father.
-"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"-Marilyn Monroe
-witihout darkness we can never understand the light.
-having hope is a choice
-Sometimes... when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnle.... forget about your problems and laugh for a while... and pretty soon you'll be living in the light.
-cafe on 1st, the top of i, ensign peak, my bedroom window, the graveyard in the avenues, marriot dance center, su casa, city creek park, gateway, the schmidt house, pab, and my very large comfortable bed are my favorite places in salt lake city.
-i make really long lists... congrats if you made it to the end without falling asleep!
- LIFE is worth living. I came very close to death in september of last year. And even though back then I didn't want to live anymore... I'm glad I'm still here.
-charcoal belongs in camp fires. NOT in my stomach.
-If my house isn't decorated really well... i don't feel at home.
- Someone can get whatever they want from me if they tell me i'm PRETTY.
- I care more about my look than I do about my personality... and I want to change that.
-People think I'm good looking on the east coast.
-I'm OBSESSED with post secret.
- I still want to be Loreli Gilmore when I grow up.
-I hate people to hear me pee so i turn on the sink everytime I use the bathroom.
-I don't know how to casually date.
- When I get really sad... i don't stop eating.
-Taco bell is my best friend/worst enemy.
-I REALLY hope love feels like a country song.
-I like country music.
-I have a weird complex about how people view me back in syracuse (the town i'm from) If I find out my old neighbors are "dissapointed" or "concerned" about me... even though i know its with love..... i get REALLY defensive and it ruins my week.
- Being LDS dosn't bring me happiness.
-I beleive in and LOVE God.
-I hate to be needed, but love needing people.
-In my darkest moments the only one who can save me is ME.
-I am bipolar.
-I love lamp light and candles.
- I am interested in stable committment from a partner.
-I'm a terrible flirt.
-My charm doesn't really read via text.... or blog for that matter.
-Watching your dreams fly out the window is even more painful than it sounds.
-I'm talented enough to receive $15,000 from a top 5 musical theatre school.
-I hold grudges.
-I complain about not getting the parts i want because I don't have the body I want. I complain about being single because I don't have the body i want.... but i'm still afraid of the gym.
-I LOVE dancing... but i might not ever be really good at it... and that kills me.
-i'm NOT good at throwing parties.
-I'm REALLY good at avoiding therapy and medication.
-I have emotional problems.... but forgetting about them and living life helps.
-People who make up problems to get attention piss me off.
-I am a master manipulator... gotta stop that.
-i get dizzy before I get really manic.
-i like graveyards
-I REALLY want someone to love me
-"i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damnit people like me"
-I am a record breaking over reactor.
-If anything is going to hold me back from being a good dancer... its insomnia. Why are ballet classes always before 9 am????
-there's no place like home..
-people who can just fall asleep at a decent hour without a problem don't know how lucky they are.
-i'm pretty much always thinking about one of three things... belting.... my love life... or food.
-i'm never satisfied with two of the things listed above.
-karli rose lowry is the funniest person on the planet.
- I tear up when people tell me they think i would make a good father.
-I want to be a father.
-"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"-Marilyn Monroe
-witihout darkness we can never understand the light.
-having hope is a choice
-Sometimes... when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnle.... forget about your problems and laugh for a while... and pretty soon you'll be living in the light.
-cafe on 1st, the top of i, ensign peak, my bedroom window, the graveyard in the avenues, marriot dance center, su casa, city creek park, gateway, the schmidt house, pab, and my very large comfortable bed are my favorite places in salt lake city.
-i make really long lists... congrats if you made it to the end without falling asleep!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I feel so much spring
This is an entry from my personal journal that turned out... well sounding more like a blog entry than a journal so i thought i would share it with you all :)
During HYPOMANIA, life can seem more beautiful and thrilling than it normaly or actually is. But today, hypomania is no match for how beautiful Salt Lake City is. I'm sitting against a big tree just outside my house. I can hear birds chirping, see flowers blooming, and smell fresh cut grass from my neighbor mowing his lawn. Today spring feels especially beautiful to me. Depression is a cold, dark, and quiet winter. Its as if everything becomes washed out like a thick sheets of snow covering green fields. Then... srping comes... and there is enormous relief. I am always so thrilled to see that first bit of grass shooting up out of the white snow. No matter how scary life is.. that first bit of grass is enough to make you want to roll up your pant legs, take off your shoes, and run to the nearest grass patch to bask in the beauty of the world we live in.
I'm a rapid cycler. I experience ups and downs weekely... but even in those weeks of mania there has still been a lingering ache of depression for the past 8 months. I've been suffocating under that thinck blanket of snow. But today, as I sit under the sun, against a maple tree, with my shoes off and my pants rolled up... I can't help but have a hunch that MY spring... is just around the corner.
During HYPOMANIA, life can seem more beautiful and thrilling than it normaly or actually is. But today, hypomania is no match for how beautiful Salt Lake City is. I'm sitting against a big tree just outside my house. I can hear birds chirping, see flowers blooming, and smell fresh cut grass from my neighbor mowing his lawn. Today spring feels especially beautiful to me. Depression is a cold, dark, and quiet winter. Its as if everything becomes washed out like a thick sheets of snow covering green fields. Then... srping comes... and there is enormous relief. I am always so thrilled to see that first bit of grass shooting up out of the white snow. No matter how scary life is.. that first bit of grass is enough to make you want to roll up your pant legs, take off your shoes, and run to the nearest grass patch to bask in the beauty of the world we live in.
I'm a rapid cycler. I experience ups and downs weekely... but even in those weeks of mania there has still been a lingering ache of depression for the past 8 months. I've been suffocating under that thinck blanket of snow. But today, as I sit under the sun, against a maple tree, with my shoes off and my pants rolled up... I can't help but have a hunch that MY spring... is just around the corner.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
a new world..
The musical I'm in at the University of Utah is called SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD (runs april 20-24th come see it!). And I've been thinking a lot about what the show is about and how closely it relates to my life right now. The show is stories of lots of different people in pivital moments in their lives. Moments that change who they are, how the see the world, or where everything changes. The first line I sing in the opening number says it best "its about one moment, the moment before it all becomes clear... and just when when you're on the verge of succes the sky starts to change and the wind starts to blow." Thats kind of where I'm at right now. I am in that moment before things become clear, that is. I was accepted into Boco again... but this time with a $10,000 a year scholarship. Sounds like a lot of money right?? but its only about a fifth of the total cost. So why even bother you ask?? well... its my dream school... and its sort of like going to Harvard instead of state school. But my parents and I are still figuring out money/loan options so... who knows.
So now I'm getting practice in dealing with high stress and a mental disorder at the same time. The problem right now is I can't ever sleep. I have been getting on average about 4 hours a night, which sucks cause I have to sing and dance and run around all day. Today I had to take the day off cause I got sick due to a lack of sleep and overuse of my voice and body and we open in a few weeks (also adding to the stress). So what do I do? There isn't a breathing exercise out there that I haven't tried, i rub lavendar on my feet and it doesn't help, i tried meditating, sleeping pills, cough syrup, you name it and nothing seems to help.
Here's what I've realized... when I get into a high stress situation it DEFINATELY triggers a manic or mixed mood. In that state everything starts to become a life or death decision. I can't sleep at night bcause it feels like my life could possibly be over with one little phone call from mommy saying they're done thinking about it and they won't help me get to boston. At the same time the idea of leaving accross the country scares the shit out of me. How will I manage all of my issues clear out there in Boston where I literally have ONE friend and a few people i've met once or twice?
Bottom line is all this is out of my control... and I have to figure out a way to let go and LIVE LIFE. And besies I'm possibly on the brink of a brand new life.... what could be more exciting than that? I mean thats the kind of thing they write muscals about :)
Songs for a New World plays april 20-24th in studio 115 in the Performing Arts Building on the University of Utah campus. Tickets are five dollars and can be purchased thorugh Kingsburry Hall. :) :)
So now I'm getting practice in dealing with high stress and a mental disorder at the same time. The problem right now is I can't ever sleep. I have been getting on average about 4 hours a night, which sucks cause I have to sing and dance and run around all day. Today I had to take the day off cause I got sick due to a lack of sleep and overuse of my voice and body and we open in a few weeks (also adding to the stress). So what do I do? There isn't a breathing exercise out there that I haven't tried, i rub lavendar on my feet and it doesn't help, i tried meditating, sleeping pills, cough syrup, you name it and nothing seems to help.
Here's what I've realized... when I get into a high stress situation it DEFINATELY triggers a manic or mixed mood. In that state everything starts to become a life or death decision. I can't sleep at night bcause it feels like my life could possibly be over with one little phone call from mommy saying they're done thinking about it and they won't help me get to boston. At the same time the idea of leaving accross the country scares the shit out of me. How will I manage all of my issues clear out there in Boston where I literally have ONE friend and a few people i've met once or twice?
Bottom line is all this is out of my control... and I have to figure out a way to let go and LIVE LIFE. And besies I'm possibly on the brink of a brand new life.... what could be more exciting than that? I mean thats the kind of thing they write muscals about :)
Songs for a New World plays april 20-24th in studio 115 in the Performing Arts Building on the University of Utah campus. Tickets are five dollars and can be purchased thorugh Kingsburry Hall. :) :)
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