Dealing with Anxiety

So for the past little while I have been in sort of a daze/slump. After consulting with my doctor and therapist the decision was made to increase my dosage of lithium and cymbalta and add zanex to help my mood become more stable. Well guess what.. it worked. The problem was I wasn't me anymore. I was completely apathetic toward everything and too tired to get out of bed all day until I left for my show at 5. I missed voice lessons, doctor appointments, messages, physical therapy, therapy, you name it I blew it off. So I have come to the decision to go back to my old dosage (which still helped a little, but not a ton) and work harder with my therapist on overcomming my extreme anxiety and depression. So why am i boring you with my sappy story? Because beleive it or not EVERYONE has anxiety or depression to some extent and it is important to learn how to manage it!

So this is what I have been working on:

The first step to fighting anxiety/depression is finding what the triggers are. Sometimes (especially in cases of bipolar disorder) the triggers are difficult to find. But it is so important to recognize them! In my case my triggers have a lot to do with insults and insecurities. I get depressed when I am insulted at all. If someone doesn't like my shoes, thinks a note i sang sounded bad, ect. And I get very anxious if I feel insecure. I get extremely anxious when i am at parties, social gatherings, talking to people after shows, if i feel fat, my hair isn't right, or my clothes don't match etc.

So after you find the cause recognize the reality of the cause. 99.9% of the time there is very little truth or depth to what is giving you anxiety or depression. Look at me I am NOT fat, I am a people person, I have great hair, I can sing well.... but all the things that freak me out SOOO bad contradict those truths. And even if they are true, sometimes my clothes don't match right, does it really actually matter to anyone but me? will it make a difference on my life in the long run? NO.

After that distract yourself from it. Forget it. Have a good time, hang with friends, get work done, laundry, organize, i personally play that piano and sing to distract myself.

After you have distrated yourself for some time you are able to look back and see that what you were anxious or depressed about REALLY didn't matter at all. IT WANS'T YOUR LOGICAL BRAIN IT WAS YOUR ANXIOUS/DEPRESSED BRAIN.

It isn't easy to do all of this. Trust me I've been trying for weeks. But when I DO manage to get the steps down right I find an incredible amount of peace. Now I know that not everyone has emotional disorders, but it upsets me that the only people that get advice on how to make your life better are messed up people like me! ;) So to anyone who is reading this weather you are crazy or not PLEASE  apply this in your life. You will be astounded by what it can do for you.

Oh shoot... another sappy blog post from jaron.

So a few weeks ago after one of our rehearsals for the WEDDING SINGER (which opens this week i'm in the MWF cast come see it text me for more information) our director got up in front of us and asked "why do you do this? why perform?" And several members of the cast gave quick answers like "i love giving" and "i love the rush" and "i love making people happy." And I haven't been able to stop thinking about that moment because I really had to ask myself WHY do I do what I do. Why perform? Now those of you who know me know that once I get something in my head it NEVER leaves so I've been searching for the answer for a while and this is what I've decided :

I perform because I LOVE. Look at the answers other cast members gave above and what do they all have in common? LOVE. I love people, stories, music, dancing, dressing up, smiling, seeing other people smile, making people laugh, teaching someone a lesson, making someones day, changing someones life, putting ideas in peoples heads they might not have ever had before, singing my heart out, people clapping for me, feeling attractive, lights, sweating, working, learning, growing, discovering. and the list goes on and on.

I perform because it is my obligation to use the gifts I have been given to change lives. And in return I get SO much more than I deserve. I get to spend my life doing and studying the list above. Who could ask for anything more :)

CONTROL

I've been thinking a lot about what it really means to be in control of my life. Being Bipolar I have very little control over what emotions I feel, so it has been something I've been trying to understand better. What does it mean to to have total control over my life? Does that mean I have my month planned out? My Year? Or does that mean I decide when I'm happy and when I'm sad? And while I was visiting with my therapist today I realized that we don't really have control over very many things. The only thing we have control over is our actions. So what does that mean? That means it is MY responsibility to take control over the one thing I am able to tak control of and use it to make my world a better place. So this is what i pledge to do. (feel free to join me if you wish)

I pledge to keep my out of control emotions to myself and never bring others down with the way I'm feeling.
I Pledge to keep the rude comments and thoughts that pop into my head INSIDE my head and not act on them by saying hurtful things about others. I also pledge to keep the naughty words I think of (all too often) inside my head and not offend others with the foul things that pop into my scary little brain :)
I Pledge to help others reguardless of how I feel. No matter how depressed I am, or how manic I get, I will always be there to serve people who need help more than me.

That is what I learned from my weird life this week :) thanks for listening!

SIMPLY HILARIOUS

So we took some family pictures at this really cool wall in Neola on mothers day and they were super cute..... then when we put them up big..... we realized..... we look like communists. Yes ladies and gentleman that is a giant swastika next to my mothers head provided by the Ute tribe gangsters in Neola Utah. Just thought i'd share this photo... cause i think its hilarious and my last post was a little deep! :)

An Inspiring Moment.

The other day I went to get a smoothie with a new friend I have made this summer. As we got talking she started to tell me more about her personal life and some of the things she has gone through in the past few years. Now I've heard a lot of sad stories in my life, but as this girl told me the things that had happened to her I couldn't help but start to tear up. This girl has been through so much pain and lost so many friends over a really crudddy circumstance. For the sake of her own privacy I will not use her name or her circumstance but TRUST ME the girl has had it rough. But anyway here is the kicker, after she got through telling me the story she said this "but after all this ended I realized that this is what I have learned," and she began to explain to me how she is a better person because of the things she went through. This totally made me stop and think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! After the very few trials I have had to deal with how many times have I actually stopped to think "this is what I have learned from this." So I have decided to make it my new goal to find out what I'm supposed to learn from my trials. After all thats why we're all here right?? To learn and grow from what we have been given.

So these are some things I have learned from the past year:

God loves all of us the same amount, but he loves us differently. Dont' freak out I'm not trying to go against the scriptures or your sunday school teacher by any means! I just mean that I have learned that just as our trials are unique to what our spirits need to grow, Gods love is tailored to fit exactly what we need. God loved me enough to give me some trials that I will probably never overcome, but he gave me friends and family to help me get through it. So right when I start to think that God is picking on me, I have to think NO JARON! God isn't picking on you, he is just showing you how much he loves you in a way that most people wouldn't recognize.

BE A GOOD LISTENER. I have the best friends ever! But bless their hearts most of them are as messed up as me! And beleive it or not that is such a huge blessing for me! Not because I'm thinking "woah glad thats not me going through that" but because sometimes when I GIVE advice I am able to figure out how to help myself. And beyond that, there is nothing more gratifying that to know you have helped a friend in need. For real.

NEVER NEVER NEVER JUDGE! That is something that is all too common at the school I currently attend. Luckily for me I have been one that has been judged, and will probably continue to be because people don't know me or understand why I have made certin decision. Now I say LUCKILY because I am lucky that I understand how hurtful it is to be judged so I know that I will NEVER do that to another person.

PEOPLE ARE GOOD! Its really easy to think that the world is evil because we hear so much talk about the NATURAL MAN. But even though that doctrine is helpful...  it is SOOOOOOOOO important to remember that most people have good intentions! And if we start to treat others that way, maybe they will start living up to that expectation.

TEARS ARE THE BEST MEDICINE. I know thats not what the prase usually is but I totally beleive it! It is so easy for me to run away from my problms, laugh about them, and pretend they don't matter. BUT no matter how far or fast I run, or how good I am at acting like everything is ok, my problems will always be there. So instead of running from what hurts EMBRACE IT and let it hurt. You can't move past something  until you actually experience it.

The last and most important thing I have learned is that in the long run the only thing that matters is my loving family and friends. All the other things in the world could dissapear today and I would be content as long as I had my family to aruge with, my sadie to vent to, my ana to make fun of, my shawnee to make dirty jokes with, my taryn to cuddle with, my michael to talk to for hours about nothing, my lisha to laugh with, ... and well i have so many great people to list off I would take up too many pages :) but all in all these people are what make my life worth living!

NO PHONE ZONE!!!!

So those of you who know me know that I worship the ground that this woman

here walks on!!

So I have decided to make it my lifes work to do whatever Oprah wants me to! But i feel especially passionate about my latest oprah command because I just think it is something that I see way to often and it scares me real bad!! Oprah has issued a challenge to STOP TEXTING WHILE DRIVING!!! So she has asked everyone that is willing to sign her "No Phone Zone" contract! Basically you go online and sign a peice of paper that says you won't text while driving. Millions have participated including every guest Oprah has on her show! I love this woman, and I want her to be the president someday but I especially love this idea!! So everyone go to Oprah's website and search NO PHONE ZONE and become one of millions that are pledging to stop texting and driving!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

I got this in an email and thought it would be fun to share with mothers day comming up :)

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who

did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.