So I was reading my mothers blog the other day and noticed she had written a post about me being manic depressive. I realized after I read it that simply saying Jaron Barney is manic depressive isn't enough. Most people don't know what that is, and what they do know might not even be correct. Many view it as a form of depression... and while depression is part of being manic depressive.... they are very different illnesses. So I decided to sort of lay out what manic depressive aka BIPOLAR disorder actually is.
The medical definition of bipolar disorder is: Bipolar, or manic-depressive disorder, is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows. The majority of bipolar individuals experience alternating episodes of mania and depression.
There are two types of bipolar disorder. Type one and two are distinguished by the severity of the MANIC phase. Bipolar 1 experiences MANIA which can include severe and risky behavior (jumping off buildings in an attempt to fly, thinking you are god, hearing voices, excessive sex and drug use) . Bipolar 2 has the same depressive states but the "manic state" is actually HYPOMANIA which is slightly less severe. The excessive energy and irritability are the same but the risky behaviors and other life altering consequenses don't occur. I am currently diagnosed type 2.
Recently I have been looking into what is called "rapid cycling" it is something I think sounds a lot like me. It is when a bipolar patient experiences ups and downs at a much quicker rate than the average patient. Most bipolar people will have 8 to 10 manic episodes in a LIFETIME and a rapid cycler will have at least 4 per YEAR. I haven't been diagnosed with that, and i don't know if its even nessisary because treatment for mental illness tends to be the same reguardless of small problems like that (i literally took pills given to skitsofranic patients) but still its nice to know.
Symptoms of depression include: paralysis, excessive sleep, excessive eating, desire for isolation, extreme negativity, suicidal tendancies.
Symptoms of mania (hypomania) are: increased energy, sexual impulsivity, heightened sensualitiy, grandiose thinking, decreased need for sleep and food, excessive spending, extreme spending, irritibility, restlessness, and charisma.
There is also a state called "mixed mood" it is exactly what it sounds like, but it can be very dangerous. Basically its being depressed but having the energy of a manic state. When this happens a person has the energy to act on depressed feelings, when normaly lethargy keeps a depressed person from hurting themselves. This is the state I was in when I attempted suicide 7 months ago. I was highly depressed and wanted out and I had the energy and power to do something about it.
When I experience depression the symptoms that hit me hardest are desire for isolation, excessive eating and sleeping, negativity and occassionally suicidal thoughts.
When I am manic most often you will find me practicing A LOT, cleaning, spending lots of money, talking on the phone for hours, but along with being lots of fun to be around... i can be extremely ... bitchy.
I am posting this so that those that read my blogs can get a better understanding of what my mental illness IS. Its not just getting sad, and then getting happy again. Neither side is all that simple, or pleasant for that matter. Its not something I have any control over, but I think I have done a pretty damn good job of making sure I don't become a bother to the people in my life because of it. I promised myself a while back that no matter what I wouldn't let this problem keep me from LIVING life. So I make plans in advance so that no matter how I'm feeling I am obligated to go experience things. I give myself at least two hours each day alone so that I can be exactly how I feel in order to have the strength to get along with others. I keep my friends close and force them to keep me on track with school and being on time... getting out of bed when i'm depressed etc.
Here are some more medical facts about bipolar disorder:
American adults who have bipolar: 5.8 million (2.8% of U.S. population)
• Life expectancy of an adult with serious mental illness: 25 years shorter than that of a person without.
• Bipolar patients who have attempted suicide: 25%. (kinda makes me seem a bit more normal right??) ;)
• Bipolar patients whose suicide attempts have been lethal: 15-20%. This is the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric disorder, and more than 20 times higher than the rate of suicide in the general population. About half of all suicides in the U.S. can be attributed to bipolar.
• Bipolar people who are not being treated at any given time: approximately 50% (i am currently not taking medication but getting back on soon hopefully)
• Bipolar and schizophrenic people who have no insurance: 50%. The diagnosis of mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and most health insurance offers only a limited amount of coverage for mental health services and medications. (i am "uninsurable")
• Year the term ‘manic-depressive insanity’ was first used in medical texts: 1896
• Year the term bipolar was first used: 1980
• Year the first medication (lithium) was discovered to have effect on manic patients: 1948
• Year the first medication designed specifically to treat bipolar was developed: still waiting
• Average age of onset: 23 (i am a little young, but some are diagnosed as young as 3 years old)
• Average age of correct diagnosis: 40 (i was incorrectly diagnosed with DEPRESSION for half a year)
• Average number of years it takes a bipolar person or their family to seek treatment from the onset of symptoms: 10
• Number of bipolar sufferers who have been misdiagnosed at least once: 70-75%. (me!!)
• Number of patients taking a mood stabilizer who go off their medication because of side effects, the desire for manic energy, or impaired insight: 50%
• Number one risk factor for relapse into a bipolar episode: going off your meds
• Odds that a person with bipolar I will also struggle with substance abuse: 60:40
• Odds that a person with bipolar II will: 50:50
• Rate of alcoholism in bipolar men: Three times higher than in the general population
• In bipolar women: Seven times higher than in the general population
• Divorce rates for people with bipolar: twice as high during their first marriage than for people with any other psychiatric disorder, and three and a half times more likely to divorce than people in the general population. (not gonna happen to me cause even when i'm depressed i'm LOVEABLE!!)
Thats a lot of scary medical facts. The IMPORTANT fact is that I'm ok. I am not posting these facts to scare people, I just want to be better understood. I want it to be understood that this problem doesn't go away with therapy. I'll have it forever, and it might get worse. But I'm GOOD at dealing with it. Even though some of my close friends and family might have a better understanding of how impossible/annoying i can be because of this... MOST people don't even notice there is a problem. My friends and family keep me in line and make sure I'm ok, I would be an even bigger mess than I already am without their help.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Listening to my body.
Most, if not all, manic depresive people will tell you that feeling manic is FAR superior to depression. As a matter of fact, even someone without a mental problem would tell you they prefer energy to depression. Over the past few months all I wanted was to stay manic as long as possible. I got pretty depressed around the whole six month anniversary of my attempted suicide thing, but I bounced back like always. Except this time, the prospect of living with depression again was absloutely unbearable. I just couldn't handle another few weeks of wanting to die, pretending to like people, wishing I had the energy to try... so I decided to do everything in my power to stay manic. I read that excessive amounts of caffine and lack of sleep can enduce mania..... so I started drinking coffee religiously and staying up as late as I could. When I started feeling like I might be slipping back into depresion I would grab another cup of coffee and practice, go to the gym, or go facebook crazy for a few hours until I was too busy with life to feel depresed. I ignored all the classic signs of Jaron depression like complete disinterest in hygene, irritablilty to the point of absolute bitchy-ness, extreme fatigue, and an increased desire to stay in bed all day and never open my eyes. I though maybe if I could find a way to stay manic for three or four months, I could just relax during the summer. It didn't work. In fact it just made me feel awful. I found myself getting angry over EVERYTHING, taking things too personally, and getting physcally ill. Underneath my facade of being "totally fine" I wanted to run away and never come back. I started looking up hotel prices in random places all over the country so I could have somewhere to escape to.
Although I was very productive, I felt that I might suddenly burst into tears at any moment. There was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I so desperately wanted to get away from... but couldn't manage to outrun.
Finally last night I gave in. I sat in my emptpy apartment and cried. I gave into that feeling I had been running from. And i must say... was actually a relief. As strange as it may sound, feeling depressed alone in my apartment was the nicest thing that had happened to me in months. My head stopped spinning, my body relaxed, and I relased all of the fear I had pent of for months. Then I spent the whole next day doing whatever I wanted. (which ended up being eating a greek salad alone in the mountains).
Now, for the first time in months, things seem clear, balanced, almost normal. What I really want is balance, so I thought maybe if I stayed manic for a while I would have some control and be ... sort of balanced. What I have learned is that my own personal form of balance comes from the ups and downs I experience. So I think i'm going to try riding the rollercoaster for a while and see how it goes.
"to be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist." - Gail Sheehy
Although I was very productive, I felt that I might suddenly burst into tears at any moment. There was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I so desperately wanted to get away from... but couldn't manage to outrun.
Finally last night I gave in. I sat in my emptpy apartment and cried. I gave into that feeling I had been running from. And i must say... was actually a relief. As strange as it may sound, feeling depressed alone in my apartment was the nicest thing that had happened to me in months. My head stopped spinning, my body relaxed, and I relased all of the fear I had pent of for months. Then I spent the whole next day doing whatever I wanted. (which ended up being eating a greek salad alone in the mountains).
Now, for the first time in months, things seem clear, balanced, almost normal. What I really want is balance, so I thought maybe if I stayed manic for a while I would have some control and be ... sort of balanced. What I have learned is that my own personal form of balance comes from the ups and downs I experience. So I think i'm going to try riding the rollercoaster for a while and see how it goes.
"to be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist." - Gail Sheehy
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Six months ago today I wanted my life to be over. Six months ago I was sitting where I'm sitting right now with pills scattered accross my bed sheets and telling myself that life wasn't worth living. Six months ago nothing seemed to be going right, my future seemed dismal, life was hard. Six months ago today I was admited into the hospital after swallowing 14,000 mg of lithium and several other kinds of bipolar medication. Six months ago I was regretting that stupid decisioin. I was saying " i wish it were six months from now.... then this will all be in the past." So now i'm asking myself what has changed in six months?
I still have nightmares about the emergancy room. I can't swallow a pill without dry heaving. I am more afraid of rejection and dissapointment. I developed mild acid reflux. But what about ME has ACTUALLY changed? I'm still bipolar. I still don't know if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm still worried it will happen again someday. ...
Here's what has changed. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, got ready, and went to the school to help out with auditions for the U. I didn't even realize it was February 19th. I didn't realize it was 6 months ago today until 4:30. That might sound stupid to you, but for me its a big deal. It means I'm moving on.
But even more important than what has changed is what HASN'T changed. I still have the best family in the entire world. I still have incredible friends. I still have a support system. I still have passion for what I do. I am still getting a great education. I think it is those things that HAVEN'T changed that have made it possible for me to move on.
I live in an inconsistant world. I am constantly shifting, changing, growing. So today the thing that gives me comfort is not that I've changed in the past six months.... its that nothing has changed at all :)
I still have nightmares about the emergancy room. I can't swallow a pill without dry heaving. I am more afraid of rejection and dissapointment. I developed mild acid reflux. But what about ME has ACTUALLY changed? I'm still bipolar. I still don't know if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm still worried it will happen again someday. ...
Here's what has changed. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, got ready, and went to the school to help out with auditions for the U. I didn't even realize it was February 19th. I didn't realize it was 6 months ago today until 4:30. That might sound stupid to you, but for me its a big deal. It means I'm moving on.
But even more important than what has changed is what HASN'T changed. I still have the best family in the entire world. I still have incredible friends. I still have a support system. I still have passion for what I do. I am still getting a great education. I think it is those things that HAVEN'T changed that have made it possible for me to move on.
I live in an inconsistant world. I am constantly shifting, changing, growing. So today the thing that gives me comfort is not that I've changed in the past six months.... its that nothing has changed at all :)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Here it comes.
Sometimes I am totally caught off guard as to when I'm in for a huge mood shift. I wake up one morning and have an incredible amount of energy, or I come home from a great day at school and I am suddenly drained. But what is even worse than that is when I DO see them coming. When I'm having a great day, a great week actually, and I just know that the next morning I'm not going to want to wake up. Sometimes I know because I get dizzy, my head hurts, and I occassionally get nausious. Sometimes I can just feel it. Its hard to explain but I trust me I just know sometimes.
That is happening... like right now :). I figure this is a good time to write about it since I'm actually experiencing it and usually when things like this happen I don't have the energy to write about it. What is scariest in times like these is the fear. I am afraid that people are going to get frustrated with me because I'm about to become a lot less pleasant. I'm afraid I'll get behind in classes. I'm afraid of feeling trapped and hopeless.
I was just reading a book called MANIC. It is the story of a very successful, good looking, bipolar lawyer. Her story is absolutely inspirational and I reccomend that anyone hoping to understand the mind of a bipolar person read this book. Its by Terri Cheny. I was looking through the book and my mom (who reccomneded the book to me) had written one of Terri's quotes and put it in the front of the book. The quote says "without the darkness, how can we ever hope to understand the light?" Thank you for writing that down mom.
I'll get through the darkness. I know how. I get better and better at it every day. And I'm lucky because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be light, that is one of the beauties of being bipolar, no matter how awful I feel at one moment....there is a chance I'll be on top of the world the next.
That is happening... like right now :). I figure this is a good time to write about it since I'm actually experiencing it and usually when things like this happen I don't have the energy to write about it. What is scariest in times like these is the fear. I am afraid that people are going to get frustrated with me because I'm about to become a lot less pleasant. I'm afraid I'll get behind in classes. I'm afraid of feeling trapped and hopeless.
I was just reading a book called MANIC. It is the story of a very successful, good looking, bipolar lawyer. Her story is absolutely inspirational and I reccomend that anyone hoping to understand the mind of a bipolar person read this book. Its by Terri Cheny. I was looking through the book and my mom (who reccomneded the book to me) had written one of Terri's quotes and put it in the front of the book. The quote says "without the darkness, how can we ever hope to understand the light?" Thank you for writing that down mom.
I'll get through the darkness. I know how. I get better and better at it every day. And I'm lucky because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be light, that is one of the beauties of being bipolar, no matter how awful I feel at one moment....there is a chance I'll be on top of the world the next.
Monday, January 31, 2011
getting better.
I have seen a lot of different therapists over the past year. Every time things get bad, or I feel down I realize that I need to talk to a professional. But in one year I have never stayed with a therapist for more than a month. I've been doing this all wrong. I realized today (thanks to an episode of greys anatomy...don't judge me) that going to a therapist isn't about getting better. Its not about finding happiness. Its about learning to deal with my circumstances, and that process is longer than four weeks. I stopped taking medication and I stopped seeing a therapist because things started going well for me. All of the sudden I didn't need help anymore because I was happy. Sometimes I guess I forget that I'm bipolar because the high never lasts for more than a week or two. I'm realizing that I'm really never going to GET BETTER. Thats all I've wanted for the past year. Somehow I had it in my head that I would find a pill that made me feel normal, or talked things out with a therapist and suddenly something would click and I could be just like everyone else. Well no I'm pleased to say that my search for a cure is over.
I need medication so that my best friend doesn't have to call me three times every morning to get me out of bed. I need medication so that my friends don't have to dread the weeks of depression and pray that I wake up manic so that they can laugh and enjoy life with me. I need medication so that when I'm manic I don't sleep in a graveyard or make friends with homeless people just to do something crazy. I don't need a cure for my problems. There is no such thing. But I do need medicine so that I can get my education and have friends, and family, and hopefully some day a meaningful relationship.
I need therapy to talk about my attatchment issues. I need a therapist so my poor mother doesn't have to worry that I don't have someone to help me when I need it. I need a therapist to help me learn to let go of my past. I need a therapist so that my friends don't have to be therapists.
This past weekend I auditioned for the Boston Conservatory. I was accpeted last year but couldn't afford to go so I auditioned again hoping that something will work out this time. Its been my dream since I was in 8th grade to go there. Being accepted last year was one of the happiest days of my life. And being there for the past few days was an incredible experience. I met amazingly talented and beautiful people. If I am accepted to that school I have to be ready to handle the experience of being accross the country from my family... and my mommy. I have to be ready to deal with a very heavy class/stress load. I have to be ready to be a professional. And even if I stay in salt lake for the next few years I still need help to be ready for life in the real world.
Its hard for me to admit things like this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love being in control. Strong. Indipendent. The only reason I went to therapy before was so I could OVERCOME something. To beat my illness and be a winner. This time I'm getting help for real. I am putting my pride aside because I deserve better. My family deserves better. My friends deserve better. I won't be cured from my illness...but I will be better.
I need medication so that my best friend doesn't have to call me three times every morning to get me out of bed. I need medication so that my friends don't have to dread the weeks of depression and pray that I wake up manic so that they can laugh and enjoy life with me. I need medication so that when I'm manic I don't sleep in a graveyard or make friends with homeless people just to do something crazy. I don't need a cure for my problems. There is no such thing. But I do need medicine so that I can get my education and have friends, and family, and hopefully some day a meaningful relationship.
I need therapy to talk about my attatchment issues. I need a therapist so my poor mother doesn't have to worry that I don't have someone to help me when I need it. I need a therapist to help me learn to let go of my past. I need a therapist so that my friends don't have to be therapists.
This past weekend I auditioned for the Boston Conservatory. I was accpeted last year but couldn't afford to go so I auditioned again hoping that something will work out this time. Its been my dream since I was in 8th grade to go there. Being accepted last year was one of the happiest days of my life. And being there for the past few days was an incredible experience. I met amazingly talented and beautiful people. If I am accepted to that school I have to be ready to handle the experience of being accross the country from my family... and my mommy. I have to be ready to deal with a very heavy class/stress load. I have to be ready to be a professional. And even if I stay in salt lake for the next few years I still need help to be ready for life in the real world.
Its hard for me to admit things like this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love being in control. Strong. Indipendent. The only reason I went to therapy before was so I could OVERCOME something. To beat my illness and be a winner. This time I'm getting help for real. I am putting my pride aside because I deserve better. My family deserves better. My friends deserve better. I won't be cured from my illness...but I will be better.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
i like to play in the dirt sometimes
Tonight I drove to the top of the Avenues. I parked my car on the side of a hill, walked out into the dirt and looked out at the glowing lights of the city. Its one of the most beautiful places that I have found in the whole valley. As I stood there I kept trying to force myself to come up with some profoud thought as to how looking out at the city made me feel so small...yet at peace... or something. But nothing was coming. All I could think about was "its cold, my expensive shoes are muddy, I can't sit down because these are nice jeans and i wanted to wear them tomorrow, and this hot chocolate I bought isn't very good." I started driving back downt the hill toward home....And then it hit me. When did I become this person? When did I become the guy that is too wrapped up in his own life to notice the beauty around him? When I was a kid it was a good day when I came home with grass stains on my jeans. I would be outside for as long as possible and cry when I had to come inside and take a shower. I would literally take my dinner and eat it outside by myself just so I wouldn't have to be cooped up in the house. And now I spend more time in practice rooms than I do outside. I didn't leave my apartment until 10:00 at night by choice. So I turned around. I went back out into the muddy field and sat on a mound of dirt. I sat and just looked. I didn't look for meaning, or for a metaphore, I just looked at the pretty lights. But I still wasn't satisfied. So I found a park nearby and sat on the swings. I went as high as I could and jumped off. Then I ran up a hill near the top of the park just to see what the view was like from the top, and then ran back down.
Some people might call this a "manic episode" but I call it an awakening. I have talked myself into beleiving that I care more about expensive clothes and fancy resturants than experiencing life. I don't really know when it happened. But somewhere along the way I changed to fit in to my stereotype better. The truth is I love camping. I love walking outside. I love swimming. I am not afraid of cold water. I like the smell of the inside of a tent. I love waking up to the sun rather than an alarm clock. I think food tastes better in the woods than in a resturant.I convinced myself that these things weren't true in an effort to seperate myself from other men and fit in with the girls better. But my new goal is to allow myself to experience the things I love without holding myself back. I want to remember what it feels like to not care if I have a grass stain on my jeans. I want to remember why I loved to take my dinner out and sit in the yard alone.
Don't get me wrong.....I still like expensive clothes. I still love fancy food. I really do love to stay in with a wine glass full of milk and watch sex in the city. I just don't want to be limited to that anymore. I want to experience more. And anyone who knows me knows that I get what I want. so dont worry... it will happen :)
Some people might call this a "manic episode" but I call it an awakening. I have talked myself into beleiving that I care more about expensive clothes and fancy resturants than experiencing life. I don't really know when it happened. But somewhere along the way I changed to fit in to my stereotype better. The truth is I love camping. I love walking outside. I love swimming. I am not afraid of cold water. I like the smell of the inside of a tent. I love waking up to the sun rather than an alarm clock. I think food tastes better in the woods than in a resturant.I convinced myself that these things weren't true in an effort to seperate myself from other men and fit in with the girls better. But my new goal is to allow myself to experience the things I love without holding myself back. I want to remember what it feels like to not care if I have a grass stain on my jeans. I want to remember why I loved to take my dinner out and sit in the yard alone.
Don't get me wrong.....I still like expensive clothes. I still love fancy food. I really do love to stay in with a wine glass full of milk and watch sex in the city. I just don't want to be limited to that anymore. I want to experience more. And anyone who knows me knows that I get what I want. so dont worry... it will happen :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Getting out of my box.
"Whats in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
We as human beings are lable makers. We are taught from a young age to categorize and lable. Laundry: whites and darks. Food: breakfast lunch dinner. People: strangers, friends. Friends: best friend, other friends. And as we grow we expound on this. High School: Jocks, Nerds, preps, cheerleaders, goths, drama geeks, band kids, officers, smart kids, debate kids, cowboy kids. People: rich, poor, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, nice, mean...etc. We put lables on things. And its pretty clear which ones are right and which ones are wrong. We know classifying someone as a "nerd" is not correct, we do it anyway, but its not right none the less. But what about the lables we create for ourselves? What about the boxes we put ourselves in? The lines we draw in the sand for ourselves that we never cross?
I have been realizing for the past little while that I created boundaries for myself without realizing it. I classified myself so specifically that there was not possible way for escape. I boxed myself in with lables. Bipolar. Homosexual. Singer. Actor. Dancer. Obsesser. Sassy bitch. Etc. Never in a million years did I think these things would trap me... but lately... i've felt trapped. I feel like its imposible for me to change or grow because I have me pinned as "the guy with a mental disorder" or "that singer guy" or "sassy gay friend." So from today I am finished trying to define who I am. Because once I define it I slap a big lable on my forhead and put myself in a box. Maybe someday I'll fall in love with a woman... not likely but you never know. Maybe someday I won't have to worry about being mildly bipolar. Maybe someday I'll get in an accident and lose my ablilty to perform. All those things are possible for me because I am ripping off my lables.
I understand that other people are going to lable me. I'm ok with that. Those lables don't restrict me. Its the ones I put on myself that keep me from reaching my full potential as a human being. So what am I? I'm a person. I love singing, acting, dancing. But I'm not A PERFORMER. I like boys. I'm not a HOMO. I am a good listener, I'm not A THERAPIST. I like to sit at home and watch sex in the city with a bucket of chicken on occasion, but im' not A SLOB.
Why is this important? Because now my possibilities are endless. I can move in any direction. I can truly live in the moment. I can take advantage of LIFE. So really, what IS in a name? For me, its a little trap that holds me back. Keeps me from moving forward and making new discoveries.
In William Shakespeares classic "Romeo and Juliet" the thing that keeps the "star crossed lovers" from happiness is a name. A lable. "Tis but thy name that is mine enemy." Were it not for a simple lable they could have lived full and happy lives. And I let this happen to me. For example, I let my lable of "gay performer" keep me from trying new things. Who knows if I really hate all sports!? I never really tried them all because I let a lable define what I liked. I let my lable of "bipolar" give me an excuse to hide from the world and ignore friends when I felt depressed. And that is NOT acceptable to me.
So my new goal is to not let my name be my enemy. I am going to stop searching for things that DEFINE me and start experencing things without holding back.
We as human beings are lable makers. We are taught from a young age to categorize and lable. Laundry: whites and darks. Food: breakfast lunch dinner. People: strangers, friends. Friends: best friend, other friends. And as we grow we expound on this. High School: Jocks, Nerds, preps, cheerleaders, goths, drama geeks, band kids, officers, smart kids, debate kids, cowboy kids. People: rich, poor, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, nice, mean...etc. We put lables on things. And its pretty clear which ones are right and which ones are wrong. We know classifying someone as a "nerd" is not correct, we do it anyway, but its not right none the less. But what about the lables we create for ourselves? What about the boxes we put ourselves in? The lines we draw in the sand for ourselves that we never cross?
I have been realizing for the past little while that I created boundaries for myself without realizing it. I classified myself so specifically that there was not possible way for escape. I boxed myself in with lables. Bipolar. Homosexual. Singer. Actor. Dancer. Obsesser. Sassy bitch. Etc. Never in a million years did I think these things would trap me... but lately... i've felt trapped. I feel like its imposible for me to change or grow because I have me pinned as "the guy with a mental disorder" or "that singer guy" or "sassy gay friend." So from today I am finished trying to define who I am. Because once I define it I slap a big lable on my forhead and put myself in a box. Maybe someday I'll fall in love with a woman... not likely but you never know. Maybe someday I won't have to worry about being mildly bipolar. Maybe someday I'll get in an accident and lose my ablilty to perform. All those things are possible for me because I am ripping off my lables.
I understand that other people are going to lable me. I'm ok with that. Those lables don't restrict me. Its the ones I put on myself that keep me from reaching my full potential as a human being. So what am I? I'm a person. I love singing, acting, dancing. But I'm not A PERFORMER. I like boys. I'm not a HOMO. I am a good listener, I'm not A THERAPIST. I like to sit at home and watch sex in the city with a bucket of chicken on occasion, but im' not A SLOB.
Why is this important? Because now my possibilities are endless. I can move in any direction. I can truly live in the moment. I can take advantage of LIFE. So really, what IS in a name? For me, its a little trap that holds me back. Keeps me from moving forward and making new discoveries.
In William Shakespeares classic "Romeo and Juliet" the thing that keeps the "star crossed lovers" from happiness is a name. A lable. "Tis but thy name that is mine enemy." Were it not for a simple lable they could have lived full and happy lives. And I let this happen to me. For example, I let my lable of "gay performer" keep me from trying new things. Who knows if I really hate all sports!? I never really tried them all because I let a lable define what I liked. I let my lable of "bipolar" give me an excuse to hide from the world and ignore friends when I felt depressed. And that is NOT acceptable to me.
So my new goal is to not let my name be my enemy. I am going to stop searching for things that DEFINE me and start experencing things without holding back.
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