I feel so much spring

This is an entry from my personal journal that turned out... well sounding more like a blog entry than a journal so i thought i would share it with you all :)

During HYPOMANIA, life can seem more beautiful and thrilling than it normaly or actually is. But today, hypomania is no match for how beautiful Salt Lake City is. I'm sitting against a big tree just outside my house. I can hear birds chirping, see flowers blooming, and smell fresh cut grass from my neighbor mowing his lawn. Today spring feels especially beautiful to me. Depression is a cold, dark, and quiet winter. Its as if everything becomes washed out like a thick sheets of snow covering green fields. Then... srping comes... and there is enormous relief. I am always so thrilled to see that first bit of grass shooting up out of the white snow. No matter how scary life is.. that first bit of grass is enough to make you want to roll up your pant legs, take off your shoes, and run to the nearest grass patch to bask in the beauty of the world we live in.

I'm a rapid cycler. I experience ups and downs weekely... but even in those weeks of mania there has still been a lingering ache of depression for the past 8 months. I've been suffocating under that thinck blanket of snow. But today, as I sit under the sun, against a maple tree, with my shoes off and my pants rolled up... I can't help but have a hunch that MY spring... is just around the corner.

a new world..

The musical I'm in at the University of Utah is called SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD (runs april 20-24th come see it!). And I've been thinking a lot about what the show is about and how closely it relates to my life right now. The show is stories of lots of different people in pivital moments in their lives. Moments that change who they are, how the see the world, or where everything changes. The first line I sing in the opening number says it best "its about one moment, the moment before it all becomes clear... and just when when you're on the verge of succes the sky starts to change and the wind starts to blow." Thats kind of where I'm at right now. I am in that moment before things become clear, that is. I was accepted into Boco again... but this time with a $10,000 a year scholarship. Sounds like a lot of money right?? but its only about a fifth of the total cost. So why even bother you ask?? well... its my dream school... and its sort of like going to Harvard instead of state school. But my parents and I are still figuring out money/loan options so... who knows.


So now I'm getting practice in dealing with high stress and a mental disorder at the same time. The problem right now is I can't ever sleep. I have been getting on average about 4 hours a night, which sucks cause I have to sing and dance and run around all day. Today I had to take the day off cause I got sick due to a lack of sleep and overuse of my voice and body and we open in a few weeks (also adding to the stress). So what do I do? There isn't a breathing exercise out there that I haven't tried, i rub lavendar on my feet and it doesn't help, i tried meditating, sleeping pills, cough syrup, you name it and nothing seems to help.

Here's what I've realized... when I get into a high stress situation it DEFINATELY triggers a manic or mixed mood. In that state everything starts to become a life or death decision. I can't sleep at night bcause it feels like my life could possibly be over with one little phone call from mommy saying they're done thinking about it and they won't help me get to boston. At the same time the idea of leaving accross the country scares the shit out of me. How will I manage all of my issues clear out there in Boston where I literally have ONE friend and a few people i've met once or twice?

Bottom line is all this is out of my control... and I have to figure out a way to let go and LIVE LIFE. And besies I'm possibly on the brink of a brand new life.... what could be more exciting than that? I mean thats the kind of thing they write muscals about :)

Songs for a New World plays april 20-24th in studio 115 in the Performing Arts Building on the University of Utah campus. Tickets are five dollars and can be purchased thorugh Kingsburry Hall. :) :)

so....what is it?

So I was reading my mothers blog the other day and noticed she had written a post about me being manic depressive. I realized after I read it that simply saying Jaron Barney is manic depressive isn't enough. Most people don't know what that is, and what they do know might not even be correct.  Many view it as a form of depression... and while depression is part of being manic depressive.... they are very different illnesses. So I decided to sort of lay out what manic depressive aka BIPOLAR disorder actually is.

The medical definition of bipolar disorder is:  Bipolar, or manic-depressive disorder, is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows. The majority of bipolar individuals experience alternating episodes of mania and depression.

There are two types of bipolar disorder. Type one and two are distinguished by the severity of the MANIC phase. Bipolar 1 experiences MANIA which can include severe and risky behavior (jumping off buildings in an attempt to fly, thinking you are god, hearing voices, excessive sex and drug use) . Bipolar 2 has the same depressive states but the "manic state" is actually HYPOMANIA which is slightly less severe. The excessive energy and irritability are the same but the risky behaviors and other life altering consequenses don't occur. I am currently diagnosed type 2.

Recently I have been looking into what is called "rapid cycling" it is something I think sounds a lot like me. It is when a bipolar patient experiences ups and downs at a much quicker rate than the average patient. Most bipolar people will have 8 to 10 manic episodes in a LIFETIME and a rapid cycler will have at least 4 per YEAR. I haven't been diagnosed with that, and i don't know if its even nessisary because treatment for mental illness tends to be the same reguardless of small problems like that (i literally took pills given to skitsofranic patients) but still its nice to know.  

Symptoms of depression include: paralysis, excessive sleep, excessive eating, desire for isolation, extreme negativity, suicidal tendancies.
Symptoms of mania (hypomania) are: increased energy, sexual impulsivity, heightened sensualitiy, grandiose thinking, decreased need for sleep and food, excessive spending, extreme spending, irritibility, restlessness, and charisma.

There is also a state called "mixed mood" it is exactly what it sounds like, but it can be very dangerous. Basically its being depressed but having the energy of a manic state. When this happens a person has the energy to act on depressed feelings, when normaly lethargy keeps a depressed person from hurting themselves. This is the state I was in when I attempted suicide 7 months ago. I was highly depressed and wanted out and I had the energy and power to do something about it.

When I experience depression the symptoms that hit me hardest are desire for isolation, excessive eating and sleeping, negativity and occassionally suicidal thoughts.
When I am manic most often you will find me practicing A LOT, cleaning, spending lots of money, talking on the phone for hours, but along with being lots of fun to be around... i can be extremely ... bitchy.

I am posting this so that those that read my blogs can get a better understanding of what my mental illness IS. Its not just getting sad, and then getting happy again. Neither side is all that simple, or pleasant for that matter. Its not something I have any control over, but I think I have done a pretty damn good job of making sure I don't become a bother to the people in my life because of it. I promised myself a while back that no matter what I wouldn't let this problem keep me from LIVING life. So I make plans in advance so that no matter how I'm feeling I am obligated to go experience things. I give myself at least two hours each day alone so that I can be exactly how I feel in order to have the strength to get along with others. I keep my friends close and force them to keep me on track with school and being on time... getting out of bed when i'm depressed etc.

Here are some more medical facts about bipolar disorder:




 American adults who have bipolar: 5.8 million (2.8% of U.S. population)
• Life expectancy of an adult with serious mental illness: 25 years shorter than that of a person without.
• Bipolar patients who have attempted suicide: 25%. (kinda makes me seem a bit more normal right??) ;)
• Bipolar patients whose suicide attempts have been lethal: 15-20%. This is the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric disorder, and more than 20 times higher than the rate of suicide in the general population. About half of all suicides in the U.S. can be attributed to bipolar.
• Bipolar people who are not being treated at any given time: approximately 50% (i am currently not taking medication but getting back on soon hopefully)
• Bipolar and schizophrenic people who have no insurance: 50%. The diagnosis of mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and most health insurance offers only a limited amount of coverage for mental health services and medications. (i am "uninsurable")
• Year the term ‘manic-depressive insanity’ was first used in medical texts: 1896
• Year the term bipolar was first used: 1980
• Year the first medication (lithium) was discovered to have effect on manic patients: 1948
• Year the first medication designed specifically to treat bipolar was developed: still waiting
• Average age of onset: 23 (i am a little young, but some are diagnosed as young as 3 years old)
• Average age of correct diagnosis: 40 (i was incorrectly diagnosed with DEPRESSION for half a year)
• Average number of years it takes a bipolar person or their family to seek treatment from the onset of symptoms: 10
• Number of bipolar sufferers who have been misdiagnosed at least once: 70-75%. (me!!)
• Number of patients taking a mood stabilizer who go off their medication because of side effects, the desire for manic energy, or impaired insight: 50%
• Number one risk factor for relapse into a bipolar episode: going off your meds
• Odds that a person with bipolar I will also struggle with substance abuse: 60:40
• Odds that a person with bipolar II will: 50:50
• Rate of alcoholism in bipolar men: Three times higher than in the general population
• In bipolar women: Seven times higher than in the general population
• Divorce rates for people with bipolar: twice as high during their first marriage than for people with any other psychiatric disorder, and three and a half times more likely to divorce than people in the general population. (not gonna happen to me cause even when i'm depressed i'm LOVEABLE!!)


Thats a lot of scary medical facts. The IMPORTANT fact is that I'm ok. I am not posting these facts to scare people, I just want to be better understood. I want it to be understood that this problem doesn't go away with therapy. I'll have it forever, and it might get worse. But I'm GOOD at dealing with it. Even though some of my close friends and family might have a better understanding of how impossible/annoying i can be because of this... MOST people don't even notice there is a problem. My friends and family keep me in line and make sure I'm ok, I would be an even bigger mess than I already am without their help.

Listening to my body.

Most, if not all, manic depresive people will tell you that feeling manic is FAR superior to depression. As a matter of fact, even someone without a mental problem would tell you they prefer energy to depression. Over the past few months all I wanted was to stay manic as long as possible. I got pretty depressed around the whole six month anniversary of my attempted suicide thing, but I bounced back like always. Except this time, the prospect of living with depression again was absloutely unbearable. I just couldn't handle another few weeks of wanting to die, pretending to like people, wishing I had the energy to try... so I decided to do everything in my power to stay manic. I read that excessive amounts of caffine and lack of sleep can enduce mania..... so I started drinking coffee religiously and staying up as late as I could. When I started feeling like I might be slipping back into depresion I would grab another cup of coffee and practice, go to the gym, or go facebook crazy for a few hours until I was too busy with life to feel depresed. I ignored all the classic signs of Jaron depression like complete disinterest in hygene, irritablilty to the point of absolute bitchy-ness, extreme fatigue, and an increased desire to stay in bed all day and never open my eyes. I though maybe if I could find a way to stay manic for three or four months, I could just relax during the summer. It didn't work. In fact it just made me feel awful. I found myself getting angry over EVERYTHING, taking things too personally, and getting physcally ill. Underneath my facade of being "totally fine" I wanted to run away and never come back. I started looking up hotel prices in random places all over the country so I could have somewhere to escape to.




Although I was very productive, I felt that I might suddenly burst into tears at any moment. There was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I so desperately wanted to get away from... but couldn't manage to outrun.



Finally last night I gave in. I sat in my emptpy apartment and cried. I gave into that feeling I had been running from. And i must say... was actually a relief. As strange as it may sound, feeling depressed alone in my apartment was the nicest thing that had happened to me in months. My head stopped spinning, my body relaxed, and I relased all of the fear I had pent of for months. Then I spent the whole next day doing whatever I wanted. (which ended up being eating a greek salad alone in the mountains).



Now, for the first time in months, things seem clear, balanced, almost normal. What I really want is balance, so I thought maybe if I stayed manic for a while I would have some control and be ... sort of balanced. What I have learned is that my own personal form of balance comes from the ups and downs I experience. So I think i'm going to try riding the rollercoaster for a while and see how it goes.





"to be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist." - Gail Sheehy

Six months ago today I wanted my life to be over. Six months ago I was sitting where I'm sitting right now with pills scattered accross my bed sheets and telling myself that life wasn't worth living. Six months ago nothing seemed to be going right, my future seemed dismal, life was hard. Six months ago today I was admited into the hospital after swallowing 14,000 mg of lithium and several other kinds of bipolar medication. Six months ago I was regretting that stupid decisioin. I was saying " i wish it were six months from now.... then this will all be in the past." So now i'm asking myself what has changed in six months?

I still have nightmares about the emergancy room. I can't swallow a pill without dry heaving. I am more afraid of rejection and dissapointment. I developed mild acid reflux. But what about ME has ACTUALLY changed? I'm still bipolar. I still don't know if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm still worried it will happen again someday. ...

Here's what has changed. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, got ready, and went to the school to help out with auditions for the U. I didn't even realize it was February 19th. I didn't realize it was 6 months ago today until 4:30. That might sound stupid to you, but for me its a big deal. It means I'm moving on.

But even more important than what has changed is what HASN'T changed. I still have the best family in the entire world. I still have incredible friends. I still have a support system. I still have passion for what I do. I am still getting a great education. I think it is those things that HAVEN'T changed that have made it possible for me to move on.

I live in an inconsistant world. I am constantly shifting, changing, growing. So today the thing that gives me comfort is not that I've changed in the past six months.... its that nothing has changed at all :)

Here it comes.

Sometimes I am totally caught off guard as to when I'm in for a huge mood shift. I wake up one morning and have an incredible amount of energy, or I come home from a great day at school and I am suddenly drained. But what is even worse than that is when I DO see them coming. When I'm having a great day, a great week actually, and I just know that the next morning I'm not going to want to wake up. Sometimes I know because I get dizzy, my head hurts, and I occassionally get nausious. Sometimes I can just feel it. Its hard to explain but I trust me I just know sometimes.

That is happening... like right now :). I figure this is a good time to write about it since I'm actually experiencing it and usually when things like this happen I don't have the energy to write about it. What is scariest in times like these is the fear. I am afraid that people are going to get frustrated with me because I'm about to become a lot less pleasant. I'm afraid I'll get behind in classes. I'm afraid of feeling trapped and hopeless.

I was just reading a book called MANIC. It is the story of a very successful, good looking, bipolar lawyer. Her story is absolutely inspirational and I reccomend that anyone hoping to understand the mind of a bipolar person read this book. Its by Terri Cheny. I was looking through the book and my mom (who reccomneded the book to me) had written one of Terri's quotes and put it in the front of the book. The quote says "without the darkness, how can we ever hope to understand the light?" Thank you for writing that down mom.

I'll get through the darkness. I know how. I get better and better at it every day. And I'm lucky because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be light, that is one of the beauties of being bipolar, no matter how awful I feel at one moment....there is a chance I'll be on top of the world the next.

getting better.

I have seen a lot of different therapists over the past year. Every time things get bad, or I feel down I realize that I need to talk to a professional. But in one year I have never stayed with a therapist for more than a month. I've been doing this all wrong. I realized today (thanks to an episode of greys anatomy...don't judge me) that going to a therapist isn't about getting better. Its not about finding happiness. Its about learning to deal with my circumstances, and that process is longer than four weeks. I stopped taking medication and I stopped seeing a therapist because things started going well for me. All of the sudden I didn't need help anymore because I was happy. Sometimes I guess I forget that I'm bipolar because the high never lasts for more than a week or two. I'm realizing that I'm really never going to GET BETTER. Thats all I've wanted for the past year. Somehow I had it in my head that I would find a pill that made me feel normal, or talked things out with a therapist and suddenly something would click and I could be just like everyone else. Well no I'm pleased to say that my search for a cure is over.

I need medication so that my best friend doesn't have to call me three times every morning to get me out of bed. I need medication so that my friends don't have to dread the weeks of depression and pray that I wake up manic so that they can laugh and enjoy life with me. I need medication so that when I'm manic I don't sleep in a graveyard or make friends with homeless people just to do something crazy. I don't need a cure for my problems. There is no such thing. But I do need medicine so that I can get my education and have friends, and family, and hopefully some day a meaningful relationship.

I need therapy to talk about my attatchment issues. I need a therapist so my poor mother doesn't have to worry that I don't have someone to help me when I need it. I need a therapist to help me learn to let go of my past. I need a therapist so that my friends don't have to be therapists.

This past weekend I auditioned for the Boston Conservatory. I was accpeted last year but couldn't afford to go so I auditioned again hoping that something will work out this time. Its been my dream since I was in 8th grade to go there. Being accepted last year was one of the happiest days of my life. And being there for the past few days was an incredible experience. I met amazingly talented and beautiful people. If I am accepted to that school I have to be ready to handle the experience of being accross the country from my family... and my mommy. I have to be ready to deal with a very heavy class/stress load. I have to be ready to be a professional. And even if I stay in salt lake for the next few years I still need help to be ready for life in the real world.

Its hard for me to admit things like this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love being in control. Strong. Indipendent. The only reason I went to therapy before was so I could OVERCOME something. To beat my illness and be a winner. This time I'm getting help for real. I am putting my pride aside because I deserve better. My family deserves better. My friends deserve better. I won't be cured from my illness...but I will be better.