So as I mentioned in my last post I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago. Starting over with therapy seemed like a little decision at the time. To be honest, I assumed I would go for a few weeks and then stop seeing him when he pissed me off like they always do.... but I was VERY wrong. This man has completely changed the way I view myself and mental illness..... and is changing my life completely. I was informally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, with bipolar traits. However, the thing that is really changing my life is not a diagnosis or pills, but learning to take control of my own mind.
My therapist began teaching me how to take control of my life by teaching me how to GROW UP. Its not as simple as it sounds. As children we experience different kinds of stress on a high level and learn to deal with them in many ways. When something negative happened to us we felt it, and learn how to deal with the emotion by crying, throwing a tantrum, holding it in, taking it out on someone else... etc. He had me tell a story about the last time I got really upset about something in detail. As I was telling the story and remembering how I felt he had me pause and think about how old I felt in that moment. I felt six years old. He then asked me to take a look at the way I was sitting.... I was crunched over with my hands over my ears shrugging my shoulders like I used to do when I was scared as a child. Its terrifying that the person deciding how I feel at any moment is a 6 year version of myself. I never re-trained my brain to react like an adult. I kept most of my fears inside growing up because most of them were tied to my sexuality, which I wanted to keep secret. I never learned coping mechanisms. I didn't know what it felt like to NOT be at least a little nervous all the time. To NOT be constantly on guard. I had never been COMPLETELY honest about the way I felt. I didn't want to be myself, because who I really was, was disgusting to me at the time. So I let other people decide who I was. I took what all my friends observed about me and created a persona that everyone else like. I took every comment, negative or positive, and made it true to me. The problems is NOW I'm still letting people do that to me. I take everything people say VERY personally because I don't know how to live any other way. So the path I'm on now is learning to train my brain to think a different way. I'm learning that it is up to me who I am and more importantly how I feel and react to things in my life. And I'm doing it through the power of positive affirmations.
The process of affirmations used to sound really silly to me, because I didn't understand the process well enough. To most people it sounds like a dumb therapist thing to do to feel good about yourself... but the science behind it is fascinating. The whole process is about crating new pathways in the brain and is a little bit too complex for me to fully explain in this blog post. I recommend you look into the book "Experience Your Good Now" by Louise Hay, I promise it will change your life. I really can't even put into words the difference it has already made to me and I am only a few weeks into the 6 month process. I'll explain in more detail the process of affirmations in my next post.
At age 20 I'm finally learning what it means to feel happy. I'm growing into the man i want to be. My positive affirmation for who I am is :I am a well postured, handsome, talented, masculine adult. I create who I am so why not make it IDEAL? Who cares if someone else doesn't agree with what I wrote? In my reality that is true and I can enjoy it fully. If someone wants to think I'm awful and be miserable with that negative thought and feeling then that is their decision. My decision is to love everyone and most of all MYSELF. As my good friend Jessica Kennedy once said to me "Who does it hurt that I think I'm beautiful?" What an incredible thought. If I think I'm fantastic then not only will I be in a better mood, but so will everyone around me. Who wants to be around someone who hates who they are? It creates negative energy that isn't fun to be around.... and it does ZERO good to feel sorry for yourself. I have spent most of my life hating myself as some sort of self punishment. Its like I learned that who I was (an overly emotional gay mormon) was bad so I was obligated to hate myself. So now I release the need to do that and embrace the idea that I am a WONDERFUL human being and nothing anyone can say will stop me from believing that with all my heart.
I know how silly it sounds... but just try telling yourself how great you are... you have nothing to lose! Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Think about what makes you awesome and BELIVE IT. Its not arrogant because no one needs to know you are doing it, its totally private. Create a positive affirmation. Come up with the person you want to be most, and then start telling yourself that you ARE that RIGHT NOW. I am a _____________ right now and I love me. Then let yourself experience how much it can change the way you see the world.
This is the first step in a LONG process for me, but I can't wait to keep going!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I've started seeing a therapist again after almost a year without one. I think I'm really going to like this guy, he has already given me some helpful tips in just the first session (anyone who has had a therapist knows the first session is pretty much useless buisness stuff). I'll talk about his tips a little bit later. First I want to talk about DEFINING mental disorder. Things I often hear people say when attempting to brush off the issue of mental illness are "everyone is a little crazy" and "its all in your head people don't really have mental disorders". While I completely disagree with those statements, I am starting to understand that lableing mental illness isn't nessisarily the most useful thing...
When I first told my mom I was so sad I couldn't get up in the morning, having the diagnosis of depression helped me because I needed an explination. It helped to know it wasn't my fault, and something could be done about it. Later on the diagnosis of BIPOLAR helped me get a grip and start working toward mental stability. HOWEVER the more research I do and the more self evaluation I do ... the more I realize that EVERY brain is different. There is no blood test to find out what kind of mental illness you have, there are little surveys and psychological studies, and mood specialists.... but how much can those REALLY conclude? And is it actually helpful?
I spend at least a few hours a week researching mood disorders, staying up to date with NAMI (national alliance on mental illness), and reading my list of metnal disorder blogs. And I've started seeing that most of my symptoms are in conjunction with BPD (boarderline personality disorder) as well as rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I started freaking myself out. What have I been doing for the past year if I'm not bipolar?? I've been doing the wrong research! I've been taking the wrong pills! I've been blogging about a disorder that I dont have! Personality disorder sounds way freakier than bipolar! Its just like skitsofrania! (spelling?) After calming down I started thinking.... who cares? I mean, I'd like to have a lable just for convenient sake when people ask what I see a therapist for, but in reality it doesn't matter.
SIDE NOTE:
I think its difficult for people to beleive me when I say I have mental problems because I can come accross as a well put together, happy go lucky kind of guy. I often get nervous that people think I'm faking it for attention. In fact its my least favorite kind of attention. The truth is that %99 of you will never know how I'm actually feeling. First of all its difficult to describe, second of all I don't enjoy trying to make people understand how I feel and seeing the roll their eyes, and third and most importantly I don't want to put people in a bad mood.
AND WE'RE BACK:
So maybe I have boarderline personalty disorder, maybe I'm bipolar, maybe I'm both! Maybe for me its somewhere between. I've been diagnosed with adrenal gland disfunction, major depressive disorder, high anxiety disorder, been to sexual orientation reversal thearpy, seen social workers, psychiatrists, and mood specialists... and little things have improved, but inside I still feel unstable. I still feel like the guy that tried to kill himself, the guy that needs a few hours alone a day to get centered, the guy that needs his friends to keep an eye on him when things go bad, the guy who isn't allowed to keep his own pills, and needs to be handled with care. My goal is to leave that guy behind. To be as solid inside as I pretend to be.
for those of you who are curious the "diagnosis criteria" for boarderline personality disorder are:
(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation
as you can see these symptoms are remarkably similar to bipolar disorder. Most medical websites and journals I have read say it is nearly impossible for a doctor to make a clear distinction between the two. WHATEVER i'm getting cheese fries.
When I first told my mom I was so sad I couldn't get up in the morning, having the diagnosis of depression helped me because I needed an explination. It helped to know it wasn't my fault, and something could be done about it. Later on the diagnosis of BIPOLAR helped me get a grip and start working toward mental stability. HOWEVER the more research I do and the more self evaluation I do ... the more I realize that EVERY brain is different. There is no blood test to find out what kind of mental illness you have, there are little surveys and psychological studies, and mood specialists.... but how much can those REALLY conclude? And is it actually helpful?
I spend at least a few hours a week researching mood disorders, staying up to date with NAMI (national alliance on mental illness), and reading my list of metnal disorder blogs. And I've started seeing that most of my symptoms are in conjunction with BPD (boarderline personality disorder) as well as rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I started freaking myself out. What have I been doing for the past year if I'm not bipolar?? I've been doing the wrong research! I've been taking the wrong pills! I've been blogging about a disorder that I dont have! Personality disorder sounds way freakier than bipolar! Its just like skitsofrania! (spelling?) After calming down I started thinking.... who cares? I mean, I'd like to have a lable just for convenient sake when people ask what I see a therapist for, but in reality it doesn't matter.
SIDE NOTE:
I think its difficult for people to beleive me when I say I have mental problems because I can come accross as a well put together, happy go lucky kind of guy. I often get nervous that people think I'm faking it for attention. In fact its my least favorite kind of attention. The truth is that %99 of you will never know how I'm actually feeling. First of all its difficult to describe, second of all I don't enjoy trying to make people understand how I feel and seeing the roll their eyes, and third and most importantly I don't want to put people in a bad mood.
AND WE'RE BACK:
So maybe I have boarderline personalty disorder, maybe I'm bipolar, maybe I'm both! Maybe for me its somewhere between. I've been diagnosed with adrenal gland disfunction, major depressive disorder, high anxiety disorder, been to sexual orientation reversal thearpy, seen social workers, psychiatrists, and mood specialists... and little things have improved, but inside I still feel unstable. I still feel like the guy that tried to kill himself, the guy that needs a few hours alone a day to get centered, the guy that needs his friends to keep an eye on him when things go bad, the guy who isn't allowed to keep his own pills, and needs to be handled with care. My goal is to leave that guy behind. To be as solid inside as I pretend to be.
for those of you who are curious the "diagnosis criteria" for boarderline personality disorder are:
(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation
as you can see these symptoms are remarkably similar to bipolar disorder. Most medical websites and journals I have read say it is nearly impossible for a doctor to make a clear distinction between the two. WHATEVER i'm getting cheese fries.
Monday, August 29, 2011
you say FAILURE, i say LEARNING EXPERIENCE
These past few weeks have definately been some of the most difficult I've ever experienced as far as mania is concerned. My energy, paranoia, and stress levels have been through the roof. On top of the regular symptoms of mania I have had quite a bit of bad luck for the past few weeks. Besides losing my credit card, my car dying, car tire falling off, crashing my bike, power going out in my bedroom, fans breaking, and school starting, I also just had a huge dissapointment with an audtion for a dream role. Bad things happen, I get it. The thing that has made these past few weeks so difficult is trying to keep myself pulled together around people who don't understand how I'm feeling, and have no idea how hard I work to hide my pain. Keeping my mania under control has been a challenge all summer, and now that things aren't going my way its becoming nearly impossible.
In acting class the other day we were asked to write down what our worst theatrical experience was. I wrote about an experience I had in Jr. High School when I played Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. We performed the infamous BALCONY SCENE in an assembly for the 8th and 9th graders, and their reaction was... well exactly how you would expect Jr. High kids to act (lots of cheering/cat calling blah blah blah). But AFTER the balcony scene was over I had a monologue to finish the scene. The kids were so bored that the kissing was over that they started yelling things out at me, and eventually boo-ing so loudly that I walked off stage and shut the curtins myself. It still remains one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
After we wrote down that experience we were asked to write down why that experience is actually the BEST theatrical experiene of our lives. I wrote that I learned humility from that experience. I learned that I perform not to please other people, but because I love it more than anything. I started from a humble place and that keeps me grounded as a performer.
Now i'm doing my best to apply that acting exercise to my personal life. I was cast in the ensemble of HAIR at the University of Utah which is WONDERFUL, but hard because i worked so hard in the hopes of getting one of my dream roles, and failed. But I learned from my audition experience that I put too much pressure on my professional life. My self worth is defined by how successful I am in my career. When I wasn't cast I was afraid people wouldn't like me anymore, that my friends wouldn't respect me, that I was UGLY, that my life was essentially over. In an attempt to make me feel better my friends said I probably just didn't fit what the director had in mind. I just wasn't right. But that made me feel even worse. The idea that someone doesn't like me, or doesn't think I'm right freaks me out so bad. THATS CRAZY! As a Bipolar person I am very inconsistant emotionally... but my career path is EVEN MORE inconsistant. I have to learn to not let my happiness depend on my success as a performer. This experience hurt me a lot, but it was a huge wakeup call for me and I think it will help me so much in the future. If i can learn to NOT base my happiness off being a perfect performer..... well then I won't have to change my major to pre-med.
In acting class the other day we were asked to write down what our worst theatrical experience was. I wrote about an experience I had in Jr. High School when I played Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. We performed the infamous BALCONY SCENE in an assembly for the 8th and 9th graders, and their reaction was... well exactly how you would expect Jr. High kids to act (lots of cheering/cat calling blah blah blah). But AFTER the balcony scene was over I had a monologue to finish the scene. The kids were so bored that the kissing was over that they started yelling things out at me, and eventually boo-ing so loudly that I walked off stage and shut the curtins myself. It still remains one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
After we wrote down that experience we were asked to write down why that experience is actually the BEST theatrical experiene of our lives. I wrote that I learned humility from that experience. I learned that I perform not to please other people, but because I love it more than anything. I started from a humble place and that keeps me grounded as a performer.
Now i'm doing my best to apply that acting exercise to my personal life. I was cast in the ensemble of HAIR at the University of Utah which is WONDERFUL, but hard because i worked so hard in the hopes of getting one of my dream roles, and failed. But I learned from my audition experience that I put too much pressure on my professional life. My self worth is defined by how successful I am in my career. When I wasn't cast I was afraid people wouldn't like me anymore, that my friends wouldn't respect me, that I was UGLY, that my life was essentially over. In an attempt to make me feel better my friends said I probably just didn't fit what the director had in mind. I just wasn't right. But that made me feel even worse. The idea that someone doesn't like me, or doesn't think I'm right freaks me out so bad. THATS CRAZY! As a Bipolar person I am very inconsistant emotionally... but my career path is EVEN MORE inconsistant. I have to learn to not let my happiness depend on my success as a performer. This experience hurt me a lot, but it was a huge wakeup call for me and I think it will help me so much in the future. If i can learn to NOT base my happiness off being a perfect performer..... well then I won't have to change my major to pre-med.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
manic summer
First of all let me state that this has been a REALLY fun summer. I have made a TON of new friends and had wonderful experiences and I'm loving my life here in SLC. I love working at urban, teaching voice, doing shows, blah blah blah. now to the good stuff :)
This has been a really interesting summer for me. First of all its the longest manic period I can remember ever having. I have had raicing thoughts, high anxiety, lots of energy, and WAY too much ambtion for a few months now. I can get to sleep with the help of pills and cough syrup, I've been sticking to a diet for the first time in my life, I go to the gym.... but I also PANIC a lot lately. EVERYTHING is a huge deal, and I've been rediculously paranoid. The following anicdotes illustrate my absurd paranoia and fear:
I have convinced myself several times this summer that my friends are mad at me. Around the beginning of July I saw an angry and vague status update from a friend. I instantly panicked. I then proceeded to create a story based off some actual and completely irrelevent events, as to why this friend hated me. I then spent my family vacation trying desperately to come up with some way beg forgiveness from this friend. I didn't sleep well, I couldn't focus on having a good time with my family, I COULDN'T ENJOY MY FOOD (big deal) all because I couldn't forget about all the pain I had caused my friend.... got home from my vacation to find out my friend wasn't mad....... at all. great.
During my run of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I was COMPLETELY on edge. I would get sick to my stomach every time I had to take off my shirt in the dressing room because I was POSITIVE the other people in my dressing room were laughing about my belly when I was out of the room. I took every bit of critiscism from directors and fellow cast mates as a personal attack. If a castmate said something like "you are so skinny" or "did you go tanning today?" it instantly turned into "you look like a holocaust victum" and "you superficial asshole why would you lay out and risk skin cancer?" HOWEVER I think I did a pretty good job of keeping my paranoia to myself. A lot of people in the cast told me they thought I was very calm and collected. (thats what you think! muahahahahahahahaha) As far as actual performances went I was totally convinced I was the weakes dancer/singer in the cast. I continually felt the desire to scream I GOT A BIG SCHOLARSHIP TO A REALLY GREAT SCHOOL to my castmates all the time to let them know that I deserved to be in the cast.(thank god I held that in... it would have totally ruined my "calm and collected" reputation)
And most recently (and most painfully/embarassingly) I have learned that I am incapable of speaking to attractive men. Which means I am unable to date. Which means I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!! I took DAYS working up the courage to send a text message to a VERY attractive and single man. Then when I accidentally happened to be in the same room as him my instinct was to RUN. Luckily I did not... however.... i probably should have. I stood there like an idiot and sad NO WORDS. let me repeat NO WORDS. I was literally paralized and mute with fear. My stomach was turning, my eyes watered, my face turned red.... sort of the same thing that happened when my 6th grade gym teacher made me try and climb the rope by myself in front of the class...as you can imagine I was completely unsuccessful. I would have given anything to be in that sixth grade gym class again instead of in this empty apartment blowing my chance at showing how CHARMING AND FUNNY I can be. (just nod, smile, and pretend you agree)
IN CONCLUSION I really gotta learn how to lighten up. This summer could have been incredible if I could just learn how to relax, not make life into a competition, and love myself a little more. How am I going to lighten up? TINA FEY. I just finished her book and I am completely inspired to live my life the same way she does. She completly trust and accepts herself as an average human being that likes to eat and dosn't know how to date. (tina and i are obviously kindred spirits) So I'm going to try and just LET GO of the need to be perfect in everyones eyes. I AM JARON BARNEY AND I'M A THIN, HAIRY, FUNNY, LOVEABLE, AVERAGE LOOKING, TALENTED, TACO BELL EATING, UNPHOTOGENIC, BAT SHIT CRAZY, TRENDY, SONOFABITCH. and if you don't like it.... thats ok. I'd rather be 9 peoples favorite thing then 100 peoples 9th favorite thing ANYWAY :)
This has been a really interesting summer for me. First of all its the longest manic period I can remember ever having. I have had raicing thoughts, high anxiety, lots of energy, and WAY too much ambtion for a few months now. I can get to sleep with the help of pills and cough syrup, I've been sticking to a diet for the first time in my life, I go to the gym.... but I also PANIC a lot lately. EVERYTHING is a huge deal, and I've been rediculously paranoid. The following anicdotes illustrate my absurd paranoia and fear:
I have convinced myself several times this summer that my friends are mad at me. Around the beginning of July I saw an angry and vague status update from a friend. I instantly panicked. I then proceeded to create a story based off some actual and completely irrelevent events, as to why this friend hated me. I then spent my family vacation trying desperately to come up with some way beg forgiveness from this friend. I didn't sleep well, I couldn't focus on having a good time with my family, I COULDN'T ENJOY MY FOOD (big deal) all because I couldn't forget about all the pain I had caused my friend.... got home from my vacation to find out my friend wasn't mad....... at all. great.
During my run of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I was COMPLETELY on edge. I would get sick to my stomach every time I had to take off my shirt in the dressing room because I was POSITIVE the other people in my dressing room were laughing about my belly when I was out of the room. I took every bit of critiscism from directors and fellow cast mates as a personal attack. If a castmate said something like "you are so skinny" or "did you go tanning today?" it instantly turned into "you look like a holocaust victum" and "you superficial asshole why would you lay out and risk skin cancer?" HOWEVER I think I did a pretty good job of keeping my paranoia to myself. A lot of people in the cast told me they thought I was very calm and collected. (thats what you think! muahahahahahahahaha) As far as actual performances went I was totally convinced I was the weakes dancer/singer in the cast. I continually felt the desire to scream I GOT A BIG SCHOLARSHIP TO A REALLY GREAT SCHOOL to my castmates all the time to let them know that I deserved to be in the cast.(thank god I held that in... it would have totally ruined my "calm and collected" reputation)
And most recently (and most painfully/embarassingly) I have learned that I am incapable of speaking to attractive men. Which means I am unable to date. Which means I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!! I took DAYS working up the courage to send a text message to a VERY attractive and single man. Then when I accidentally happened to be in the same room as him my instinct was to RUN. Luckily I did not... however.... i probably should have. I stood there like an idiot and sad NO WORDS. let me repeat NO WORDS. I was literally paralized and mute with fear. My stomach was turning, my eyes watered, my face turned red.... sort of the same thing that happened when my 6th grade gym teacher made me try and climb the rope by myself in front of the class...as you can imagine I was completely unsuccessful. I would have given anything to be in that sixth grade gym class again instead of in this empty apartment blowing my chance at showing how CHARMING AND FUNNY I can be. (just nod, smile, and pretend you agree)
IN CONCLUSION I really gotta learn how to lighten up. This summer could have been incredible if I could just learn how to relax, not make life into a competition, and love myself a little more. How am I going to lighten up? TINA FEY. I just finished her book and I am completely inspired to live my life the same way she does. She completly trust and accepts herself as an average human being that likes to eat and dosn't know how to date. (tina and i are obviously kindred spirits) So I'm going to try and just LET GO of the need to be perfect in everyones eyes. I AM JARON BARNEY AND I'M A THIN, HAIRY, FUNNY, LOVEABLE, AVERAGE LOOKING, TALENTED, TACO BELL EATING, UNPHOTOGENIC, BAT SHIT CRAZY, TRENDY, SONOFABITCH. and if you don't like it.... thats ok. I'd rather be 9 peoples favorite thing then 100 peoples 9th favorite thing ANYWAY :)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Perspective
It has been QUITE a while since I last posted so here is a quick update on my life..... I just finished up Dirty Rotten Scoundrels at the Hale Center Theatre in west valley, I'm opening ANOTHER show this wednesday called Songs for a New World for the University of Utah summer season, teaching voice lessons, working at urban outfitters. I also bought a bike, gave up red meat, sodium, sugar, caffine, simple carbs, and went skinny dipping. Ok, now to what I REALLY wanna write about.
I don't have cable or even basic channels on my TV at home so I have a hard time keeping up with current events, so I just learned today about the attacks in Norway. While I have no personal ties to the country I was interested in knowing exactly what happened so I did a little research and learned that Norweigan government does not use capitol punishment, or even life sentances in prison. The man who is responsible for the attacks will be released from prison in his mid 60's. The Norwegian prison system is quite different than american. Rather than kill, or condem a man like him, they figure out a way to help him. They beleive that people can be changed, taught, and made better. The man responsible for killing over 80 people will spend the next 20 years of his life in prison with counselors and therapists correcting his problems and improving his life. At first this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. My first thought would be to put the man responsible for an act like that to death, but what a beautiful thought that a Nation could have the emotional maturity to recognise that a man like him is disturbed, that it is against human nature to kill, and to want to help someone like that better himself. So now the question is HOW do I have the emotional maturity that those people have? How to I apply the Norwegian perspective to my narrow minded american life?
Recently perspective has been more than skewed. I have literally spent hours looking in the mirror deciding what is wrong with the way I look, and figuring out how to change it. I told myself that I will never be a successful performer if I look the way I do. I also spend a lot of time contemplating what my life will be like if I am not a successful performer and the idea scares me so badly that I can't sleep at night. Through the entire process of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I considered myself to be the least talented of my cast and constantly compared my dance ability, singing ability, and looks to others in my cast to the point where I started hating going to my show because I left feeling so low. I have still been very angry with my parents for months now about not helping me with a loan for school because I can't help but think every day what my life would be like if I were going to my dream school. And even now as I write this paragraph whenever I take a break from typing... my hands go to my stomach and I grab at the fat that I LOATH so deeply.
So from today forward I want to shift my perspective to a healthier more mature place. Spending hours looking at my body for flaws isn't going to help anything. I can go the gym, eat right, and stay active for the sake of being a helathy person, but I can't starve myself because I hate myself anymore. I have to stop comparing myself to to other people because there is ALWAYS going to be somebody more talented than me. And having nightmears about not being on broadway is literally the dumbest out of all of the stupid things I do. The thing that I love about theatre so much is the PROCESS not the glory. So I'm going to try and enjoy learning to dance, sing better, and become a real actor instead of beating myself up about not being good at anything right now. Being angry with my parents is also completely useless. I have to make due with what I have. My education is my responsibility not my parents so I will make it work and try and leave my bitterness behind.
I share the Norwegian beleif that people really can change.
I don't have cable or even basic channels on my TV at home so I have a hard time keeping up with current events, so I just learned today about the attacks in Norway. While I have no personal ties to the country I was interested in knowing exactly what happened so I did a little research and learned that Norweigan government does not use capitol punishment, or even life sentances in prison. The man who is responsible for the attacks will be released from prison in his mid 60's. The Norwegian prison system is quite different than american. Rather than kill, or condem a man like him, they figure out a way to help him. They beleive that people can be changed, taught, and made better. The man responsible for killing over 80 people will spend the next 20 years of his life in prison with counselors and therapists correcting his problems and improving his life. At first this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. My first thought would be to put the man responsible for an act like that to death, but what a beautiful thought that a Nation could have the emotional maturity to recognise that a man like him is disturbed, that it is against human nature to kill, and to want to help someone like that better himself. So now the question is HOW do I have the emotional maturity that those people have? How to I apply the Norwegian perspective to my narrow minded american life?
Recently perspective has been more than skewed. I have literally spent hours looking in the mirror deciding what is wrong with the way I look, and figuring out how to change it. I told myself that I will never be a successful performer if I look the way I do. I also spend a lot of time contemplating what my life will be like if I am not a successful performer and the idea scares me so badly that I can't sleep at night. Through the entire process of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I considered myself to be the least talented of my cast and constantly compared my dance ability, singing ability, and looks to others in my cast to the point where I started hating going to my show because I left feeling so low. I have still been very angry with my parents for months now about not helping me with a loan for school because I can't help but think every day what my life would be like if I were going to my dream school. And even now as I write this paragraph whenever I take a break from typing... my hands go to my stomach and I grab at the fat that I LOATH so deeply.
So from today forward I want to shift my perspective to a healthier more mature place. Spending hours looking at my body for flaws isn't going to help anything. I can go the gym, eat right, and stay active for the sake of being a helathy person, but I can't starve myself because I hate myself anymore. I have to stop comparing myself to to other people because there is ALWAYS going to be somebody more talented than me. And having nightmears about not being on broadway is literally the dumbest out of all of the stupid things I do. The thing that I love about theatre so much is the PROCESS not the glory. So I'm going to try and enjoy learning to dance, sing better, and become a real actor instead of beating myself up about not being good at anything right now. Being angry with my parents is also completely useless. I have to make due with what I have. My education is my responsibility not my parents so I will make it work and try and leave my bitterness behind.
I share the Norwegian beleif that people really can change.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
20 years later.
I hate my birthday. I have for a very long time. My excuse was always that there is "too much expectation" and "too much attention on me" or "i dont' like planning things for myself." But the truth is that for a long time my birthday was more than just a fun day of cake and partying. It was another stroke on the ticking time bomb that was my existance. I know that sounds really melodramatic, but thats really what I thought when I was younger. I knew that with every birthday I was another year closer to the day when my personal life would explode (aka coming out of the closet) and I would have to either kill myself or run away and never come back. (no wonder i developed mental problems!) I didn't really have a lot of perspective back then, but none the less I usually spent the night before my birthday crying in my room trying desperately to think of a way to avoid the peril in my future.
But what about now? I am turning 20 this saturday and my life is in no danger of exploding. The day I dreaded so much in my early teen years has passed and I'm doing just fine. As a matter of fact I'm better than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm comfortable with who I am, turns out my family is pretty cool witht he whole gay thing, I live in a nice apartment, I have great friends, a bright future, I'm getting a fabulous education and wonderful performance opportunities, exposure to important people, blah blah blah...
Looking back on all those years I wasted in paralyzing fear I have a lot of regrets. I regret wasting 20 years of my life dreading my future, hating myself, and hiding from the world. I wish I could go back and convince the young me that I WOULD BE OK. I wish I could have had a more normal childhood....... one where I didn't cry on my birthday. One where I didn't wish I were somewhere or someone else all the time.
I was watching a documentary online about four former LDS men who spend their lives in the church in Utah, served missions, came out of the closet and left the church. While I think the documentary spent too much time focused on useless bitter feeligns toward the LDS faith, one man's outlook on his life really touched me. He spoke of his upbringing in utah saying "Twenty years of shame.... I'll take that for another 60 years of happiness."."
Thats what my 20th birthday is going to mean to me this year. A new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn't full of secrets, pain, and useless guilt. In my next 60+ years I'm going to live the life I never thought I could have. A life that will hopefully include a successful career, a husband, a family, and broadway of course :)
so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)
But what about now? I am turning 20 this saturday and my life is in no danger of exploding. The day I dreaded so much in my early teen years has passed and I'm doing just fine. As a matter of fact I'm better than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm comfortable with who I am, turns out my family is pretty cool witht he whole gay thing, I live in a nice apartment, I have great friends, a bright future, I'm getting a fabulous education and wonderful performance opportunities, exposure to important people, blah blah blah...
Looking back on all those years I wasted in paralyzing fear I have a lot of regrets. I regret wasting 20 years of my life dreading my future, hating myself, and hiding from the world. I wish I could go back and convince the young me that I WOULD BE OK. I wish I could have had a more normal childhood....... one where I didn't cry on my birthday. One where I didn't wish I were somewhere or someone else all the time.
I was watching a documentary online about four former LDS men who spend their lives in the church in Utah, served missions, came out of the closet and left the church. While I think the documentary spent too much time focused on useless bitter feeligns toward the LDS faith, one man's outlook on his life really touched me. He spoke of his upbringing in utah saying "Twenty years of shame.... I'll take that for another 60 years of happiness."."
Thats what my 20th birthday is going to mean to me this year. A new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn't full of secrets, pain, and useless guilt. In my next 60+ years I'm going to live the life I never thought I could have. A life that will hopefully include a successful career, a husband, a family, and broadway of course :)
so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)
Monday, June 6, 2011
PRIDE
A few weeks ago my brother was talking with someone in my home ward in syracuse and was asked "so what are we supposed to ASSUME about Jaron....." (in refrence to my sexuality). Thats when I realized that I never really OFICIALLY came out of the closet... i just sort of assumed everyone knew. So this blog is my thoughts on my sexuality and my "coming out" story for those who have never heard it.
I have known I was gay since I can remember. When I was young I never really could put a name to it but I knew I was different. Then in my later elementary years kids started mocking me by calling me GAY and even though it hurt... I realized they were right! Ever since that point I made it my number 1 priority to keep my sexualitiy secret. I was convinced that if anyone found out about it my life would be over.
Like most closeted homosexuals, I hated myself in my through jr high and high school years because of my secret. I saw nothing but pain in my future. In my mind, if i came out of the closet I would be disowned by my family and friends and have to run away from Utah. But if I stayed in the closet I would be expected to serve a mission and marry a woman which was also not a very appealing choice. So I decided around the age of 12 or 13 that I would kill myself before I turned 19 so that I wouldn't ever have to tell anyone my secret or live through the torture that would be my future. I stuck to that plan for a very long time and truly intended to follow through with it... until the time to actually do it came closer. (little did i know i WOULD actually attempt it years later under COMPLETELY different circumstances haha)
The summer before I started college I realized that I both didn't want to attend Weber State for musical theatre, and that I really didn't want to kill myself OR come out of the closet. So I decided BYU would be the best place for me to fulfill both of those ideas. I thought that if I went there it would be easier for me to hide my sexuality.. and maybe even develope an attraction for women. About 3 weeks into going to school there I realized how bad of a decision that was. It was at that point that the mood swings I had experienced quietly for several years became very strong. I went through a very powerful phase of depression for several weeks. It got so bad that I hated singing, dancing, acting, friends, everything. I felt like I was about to cry at almost every moment of the day. I really needed to talk with someone about what I was feeling... but I wasn't ready to tell close family and friends yet... so I told my friend Courtney Bullard. We were not particulary close but we had a good relationship and I knew her to be very logical and kind and trustworthy so I "came out" to her first. It was an amazing feeling to finally be able to say it! I felt a little bit of the weight I had been carrying for 18 years lifted... but there was still something not right. I told her that I was gay.. but that I beleived it was a trial from god and that it was something wanted to overcome. I was still too afraid to say I MADE A MISTAKE COMING HERE and I WANT TO BE MYSELF. About a week later I was driving home from sunday dinner in syracuse when I experienced a very overwhelming panic attack. I pulled over on the side of the freeway and cried for about 45 minuets. I cried till my stomach cramped up and I couldn't cry anymore. I called my friend Sadie ... and she convinced me to see a doctor.
I went to the doctor and explained that I had experienced a lot of depression since early high school years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. As we were driving home from the doctor my mom asked me what was going on.... and since i was so depressed and apathetic toward my existance at the time I gave in and said "i'm gay" to her. Her response was simply " i know."( she said it as if i were silly for even THINKING it was a secret haha) I then told her the same story I told Courtney. That I beleived I would overcome my "trial" in time with the lords help. As I told more and more people I was gay, I found that telling them I was planning on fighting it made it easeir for them to accept it ... so I kept saying it.. and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of completely new lies.
The rest of my year at BYU was filled with really hard classes and really stupid doctors. I went to a therapist in Provo who attempted to change my sexual orientation. Turns out EVERY major medical journal or study shows that attempting to change one's sexual orientation is dangerous and does permanent psychological damage... as if i needed more of that :) haha. Needless to say it didn't work. I was eventually diagnosed BIPOLAR not depressed, and started taking medicine and therapy for THAT problem.. not my sexual orientation. At the end of my year at BYU I was accepted into the MDT program as well as the BYU YOUNG AMBASSADORS. I was thrilled with my accomplishments... but the idea of spending 3 more years at that school was too painful to bare. (don't get me wrong i have wondeful friends there who i still love dearly) So once again I decided to transfer last minuet to the University of Utah where I would try starting over as an openly gay man.
On the first day of singing class my teacher Dave asked us to go around and say what made us "freaks" (in reference to the song FREAK FLAG from shrek the musical) When it was my turn i said "well... i am a gay mormon transfer from byu... doesn't get much freakier than that." And a beautiful thing happened... no one felt sorry for me. No one talked to me about trials, how brave i am, or how i must have been a mighty saint in the pre existance to receive such a difficult trial. As a matter of fact... no one cared! For the first time in my life I felt like I could be EXACTLY who I always wanted. That was the first time in my adult life I was glad I didn't kill myself after I graduated high school.
I am often asked if I know the church's opinion on the "issue of same gender attraction"( i hate that phrase). The answer is yes. As a matter of fact I probably know a lot more about it that most people because its my LIFE. So PLEASE don't think I'm ignorant, I've read every pamphlet, scripture verse, and conference talk on the subect. I've done therapy sessions with a man with a masters in psychology from BYU with an emphasis in human sexuality.. specifically homosexuality. I've had discussions and given pamphelts to my bishop so HE could be more educated on the subject. I made my decisions with all that information in mind... and I still whole heartedly beleive I made the right one.
So my "coming out" process took about a year... and was pretty gradual... and pretty dramatic. And after all of that here is what I have discovered: I deserve to love and be loved just like anyone else. God loves me and made me the way I am . There is no way to LOVE yourself if you are constantly trying to force yourself to change to fit a mold. I have an amazing and wonderfully supportive family and I hope that all Latter Day Saints strive to be as open minded as my parents. Finally ...... "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:15. I will NEVER hide my light under a bushel again.
I have known I was gay since I can remember. When I was young I never really could put a name to it but I knew I was different. Then in my later elementary years kids started mocking me by calling me GAY and even though it hurt... I realized they were right! Ever since that point I made it my number 1 priority to keep my sexualitiy secret. I was convinced that if anyone found out about it my life would be over.
Like most closeted homosexuals, I hated myself in my through jr high and high school years because of my secret. I saw nothing but pain in my future. In my mind, if i came out of the closet I would be disowned by my family and friends and have to run away from Utah. But if I stayed in the closet I would be expected to serve a mission and marry a woman which was also not a very appealing choice. So I decided around the age of 12 or 13 that I would kill myself before I turned 19 so that I wouldn't ever have to tell anyone my secret or live through the torture that would be my future. I stuck to that plan for a very long time and truly intended to follow through with it... until the time to actually do it came closer. (little did i know i WOULD actually attempt it years later under COMPLETELY different circumstances haha)
The summer before I started college I realized that I both didn't want to attend Weber State for musical theatre, and that I really didn't want to kill myself OR come out of the closet. So I decided BYU would be the best place for me to fulfill both of those ideas. I thought that if I went there it would be easier for me to hide my sexuality.. and maybe even develope an attraction for women. About 3 weeks into going to school there I realized how bad of a decision that was. It was at that point that the mood swings I had experienced quietly for several years became very strong. I went through a very powerful phase of depression for several weeks. It got so bad that I hated singing, dancing, acting, friends, everything. I felt like I was about to cry at almost every moment of the day. I really needed to talk with someone about what I was feeling... but I wasn't ready to tell close family and friends yet... so I told my friend Courtney Bullard. We were not particulary close but we had a good relationship and I knew her to be very logical and kind and trustworthy so I "came out" to her first. It was an amazing feeling to finally be able to say it! I felt a little bit of the weight I had been carrying for 18 years lifted... but there was still something not right. I told her that I was gay.. but that I beleived it was a trial from god and that it was something wanted to overcome. I was still too afraid to say I MADE A MISTAKE COMING HERE and I WANT TO BE MYSELF. About a week later I was driving home from sunday dinner in syracuse when I experienced a very overwhelming panic attack. I pulled over on the side of the freeway and cried for about 45 minuets. I cried till my stomach cramped up and I couldn't cry anymore. I called my friend Sadie ... and she convinced me to see a doctor.
I went to the doctor and explained that I had experienced a lot of depression since early high school years and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. As we were driving home from the doctor my mom asked me what was going on.... and since i was so depressed and apathetic toward my existance at the time I gave in and said "i'm gay" to her. Her response was simply " i know."( she said it as if i were silly for even THINKING it was a secret haha) I then told her the same story I told Courtney. That I beleived I would overcome my "trial" in time with the lords help. As I told more and more people I was gay, I found that telling them I was planning on fighting it made it easeir for them to accept it ... so I kept saying it.. and digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit of completely new lies.
The rest of my year at BYU was filled with really hard classes and really stupid doctors. I went to a therapist in Provo who attempted to change my sexual orientation. Turns out EVERY major medical journal or study shows that attempting to change one's sexual orientation is dangerous and does permanent psychological damage... as if i needed more of that :) haha. Needless to say it didn't work. I was eventually diagnosed BIPOLAR not depressed, and started taking medicine and therapy for THAT problem.. not my sexual orientation. At the end of my year at BYU I was accepted into the MDT program as well as the BYU YOUNG AMBASSADORS. I was thrilled with my accomplishments... but the idea of spending 3 more years at that school was too painful to bare. (don't get me wrong i have wondeful friends there who i still love dearly) So once again I decided to transfer last minuet to the University of Utah where I would try starting over as an openly gay man.
On the first day of singing class my teacher Dave asked us to go around and say what made us "freaks" (in reference to the song FREAK FLAG from shrek the musical) When it was my turn i said "well... i am a gay mormon transfer from byu... doesn't get much freakier than that." And a beautiful thing happened... no one felt sorry for me. No one talked to me about trials, how brave i am, or how i must have been a mighty saint in the pre existance to receive such a difficult trial. As a matter of fact... no one cared! For the first time in my life I felt like I could be EXACTLY who I always wanted. That was the first time in my adult life I was glad I didn't kill myself after I graduated high school.
I am often asked if I know the church's opinion on the "issue of same gender attraction"( i hate that phrase). The answer is yes. As a matter of fact I probably know a lot more about it that most people because its my LIFE. So PLEASE don't think I'm ignorant, I've read every pamphlet, scripture verse, and conference talk on the subect. I've done therapy sessions with a man with a masters in psychology from BYU with an emphasis in human sexuality.. specifically homosexuality. I've had discussions and given pamphelts to my bishop so HE could be more educated on the subject. I made my decisions with all that information in mind... and I still whole heartedly beleive I made the right one.
So my "coming out" process took about a year... and was pretty gradual... and pretty dramatic. And after all of that here is what I have discovered: I deserve to love and be loved just like anyone else. God loves me and made me the way I am . There is no way to LOVE yourself if you are constantly trying to force yourself to change to fit a mold. I have an amazing and wonderfully supportive family and I hope that all Latter Day Saints strive to be as open minded as my parents. Finally ...... "Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:15. I will NEVER hide my light under a bushel again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)