Six months ago today I wanted my life to be over. Six months ago I was sitting where I'm sitting right now with pills scattered accross my bed sheets and telling myself that life wasn't worth living. Six months ago nothing seemed to be going right, my future seemed dismal, life was hard. Six months ago today I was admited into the hospital after swallowing 14,000 mg of lithium and several other kinds of bipolar medication. Six months ago I was regretting that stupid decisioin. I was saying " i wish it were six months from now.... then this will all be in the past." So now i'm asking myself what has changed in six months?

I still have nightmares about the emergancy room. I can't swallow a pill without dry heaving. I am more afraid of rejection and dissapointment. I developed mild acid reflux. But what about ME has ACTUALLY changed? I'm still bipolar. I still don't know if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm still worried it will happen again someday. ...

Here's what has changed. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, got ready, and went to the school to help out with auditions for the U. I didn't even realize it was February 19th. I didn't realize it was 6 months ago today until 4:30. That might sound stupid to you, but for me its a big deal. It means I'm moving on.

But even more important than what has changed is what HASN'T changed. I still have the best family in the entire world. I still have incredible friends. I still have a support system. I still have passion for what I do. I am still getting a great education. I think it is those things that HAVEN'T changed that have made it possible for me to move on.

I live in an inconsistant world. I am constantly shifting, changing, growing. So today the thing that gives me comfort is not that I've changed in the past six months.... its that nothing has changed at all :)

Here it comes.

Sometimes I am totally caught off guard as to when I'm in for a huge mood shift. I wake up one morning and have an incredible amount of energy, or I come home from a great day at school and I am suddenly drained. But what is even worse than that is when I DO see them coming. When I'm having a great day, a great week actually, and I just know that the next morning I'm not going to want to wake up. Sometimes I know because I get dizzy, my head hurts, and I occassionally get nausious. Sometimes I can just feel it. Its hard to explain but I trust me I just know sometimes.

That is happening... like right now :). I figure this is a good time to write about it since I'm actually experiencing it and usually when things like this happen I don't have the energy to write about it. What is scariest in times like these is the fear. I am afraid that people are going to get frustrated with me because I'm about to become a lot less pleasant. I'm afraid I'll get behind in classes. I'm afraid of feeling trapped and hopeless.

I was just reading a book called MANIC. It is the story of a very successful, good looking, bipolar lawyer. Her story is absolutely inspirational and I reccomend that anyone hoping to understand the mind of a bipolar person read this book. Its by Terri Cheny. I was looking through the book and my mom (who reccomneded the book to me) had written one of Terri's quotes and put it in the front of the book. The quote says "without the darkness, how can we ever hope to understand the light?" Thank you for writing that down mom.

I'll get through the darkness. I know how. I get better and better at it every day. And I'm lucky because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There will always be light, that is one of the beauties of being bipolar, no matter how awful I feel at one moment....there is a chance I'll be on top of the world the next.