Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Friday, August 13, 2010

What happens in mexico .. stays in mexico... except when i blog about it.

So I just got back from my trip to Mexico with my family. We spent a week in Los Cabos, and our hotel was in Cobo San Jose. The trip was awesome! We went parasailing, horseback riding, scuba diving, played at the beach, and most importantly took lots of naps by the pool/ocean :) BUT I ended up taking home more than just a sunburn from my trip. Surprise surprise Jaron has another "life lesson" to share! But this one is cool !

         There were several times where I was truly humbled on this trip. This one was the most profound to me:
We were sitting on a bus after a fun day at the beach. And I had been loudly complaining about how my skin was peeling because of my sunburn and saying that I "looked like a freaking leper!" After about ten minuets of quietly sitting on the bus I started to do what I always do in a bus... evesdrop on everyone elses conversations. And I couldn't help but overhear one mans conversation (he was seriously a loud guy). I noticed that he was getting to know everyone on his row and introducing himself and his family to everyone. I was amazed at not only his kindness, but his willingness to REALLY get to know people. Not just the surface "how are you" crap we usually do. Then as we were getting ready to head off the bus and I turned back to see the loud man I had been listening to, and when I saw him my heart just sunk. The man had been badly burned all over his face and the left side of his body. Very few facial features were recognizeable on his right side, and on the left side there were no facial features at all. I looked down at the hand he had been greeting people with and saw a small mishaped nub with four fingers on it.
This man had every reason to hide quietly in the back of the bus... but he didn't. He wasn't concerned with superficial things, he just wanted to talk to people and make friends. I thought back on how I had been loudly complaining about my skin peeling off my forhead and started to feel sick with regret. NEVER again will I complain about stupid superficial things that don't matter. Its my new goal to take care of my body and appearance without obsessing over it. And beyond that I want to emulate that mans willingness to get out there and meet people. If someone like that can put themselves out there with no shame, no hiding, and no fear, what could possible hold ME back? 

Just a little something to ponder on :)

Friday, August 6, 2010

A little explaining

Remember that one time i was like "hey i'm going to byu this fall" and then like two days later i was like "hey...just kidding".... ya that was cool. I blame it on the bipolar thing (even though that really has nothing to do with it heh). Well here is a little explanation.

The biggest reason I decided to transfer to the University of Utah is pretty simple. I MATTER. I was staying at BYU because it has a world class Music Dance Theatre training program and decided to try my best to ignore the things that I couldn't tolerate. There were a lot of things at BYU that just simiply weren't right for ME. (i'm not byu bashing i explain in my final paragraph be patient) I have never been overly religious for starters. I had a difficult time having the church thrown in my face a lot. It works for some people and thats awesome, but it pushed me away from it. I am also not really comfortable being myself there. Like many others I had to hide who I really am in order to fit in and meet the criteria of the schools standards. And potentially lying to faculty and administration is someting I will never be comfortable doing.

 During my year at BYU I learned a lot as a performer. I cherish the education I had there and I really don't regret it. But being there for a year, and being diagnosed bipolar/lots of other personal life drama, taught me that I have to care for my personal life ALONG WITH my career in order to maintain some sanity. And my personal life at BYU wasn't what I needed. I need openess, communication, acceptanence, self exploration, and freedom. I didn't find those things in Utah Valley.

One of the best ways to battle depression and low confidence is to learn to truly love yourself. And as I was pondering how to do that I kept asking myself this question: "How can I learn to love and accept myself if I have to hide it?" For me to grow as a performer I have to be comfortable with who I REALLY am. And that didn't happen for me at the Y. In fact the opposite happened. I began hating myself and trying to change to fit someone elses mold. Well that is NOT happening anymore.

The University of Utah MTP program may not have the same reputation as BYU MDT yet but what it does have is an opportunity for me to study from the world renound Ballet Department , the incredible Actors Training Program, and the first class Vocal Department.I get to take summer intensive classes in NY with some of the top schools in the country, and work consistantly with Broadway Casting Agents and other professionals in the classroom throughout my four years and then showcase in New York for those agents I'll have worked with along with those they invite. (don't ask how they got all this stuff just know dave schmidt is magic somehow makes things like this happen) And along with that I get to be myself and HOPEFULLY learn to love ME a little more.... and take further steps toward healing from my super annoying mental illness :)

I don't want this post to be a BYU bashing one. I LOVED a lot of things about BYU and I completely respect it, the faculty and students. I made some of the best friends that I have EVER had while I was there and I really did have a good time. BYU is a great school, it just wasn't the right fit for me.