Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Saturday, November 12, 2011

LET it in!

In the theatre world, people say that being in HAIR changes your life forever. And for me it most definately has.. but in a much different way than I thought. The lessons I have learned, and continue to learn every night are ones that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I am so greatful that being in this show is happening right now, when I am making so many postive changes in my life. During our first preview I had a awakening during the very last song of our show. We sing "let the sun shine in" over and over to close the show, and as we came to the climax of that moment I put an extra emphasis on LET, and realized how much that little peice of text is a reflection of what I am trying to do. I am learning to LET the sun shine in my life.

I will admit that being a small role in a show is difficult for me because too much of my self worth comes from having a successful career. So when I am in the background of a show, I let that affect my entire life. I have walked around for the past few months telling myself that I am never going to make it in this industry if I can't even be successful in college theatre. I have walked around reminding myself of why I am inadequite over and over again.... and for what? What good has that done me? This show has taught me to LET myself recgonize my worth as a PERSON not as a performer. I have so much more to give than a singing voice, and I was blocking so much light from my life by limiting my worth to that.

There was also a time in my life where I really wanted to be sick. I needed people to recognize that I was hurting. I wanted to wallow in my pain. Finally recognizing that I WANT to be happy is how I LET the sun shine in my life. The final message of Hair is a plea for people to allow the beauty of the world to enter their lives. And up until a few nights ago, I wasn't doing that completely.

It can be difficult to find the sunshine. I promise that I understand that. This world has a way of kicking us while we're down, but putting focus on that only makes life harder. For the past few months I've been trying and failing over and over again to not only better myself as a performer, but also as a human being. But there are so many things in this world that are wonderful. There is so much sunshine! I get a text message from the beautiful Kelsey McGary every single day reminding me that I am loved. I have a family that beleives in me more than anyone else. I have friends that love me. No matter what happens to me, I know that I am loved unconditionally. If I can learn to let that light into my life all the time, NOTHING can hurt me. The day after the cast list for Hair was posted I got an anonymous letter of comfort from someon who cares about me a lot. My favorite line in the letter says "you are strong; you are a worrier. You are loved, for YOU. Don't ever change!" I pull this letter out whenver I'm having a bad day and it brings a little light into my life. If even that ONE anoymous person feels that way about me, I have a reason to continue. I get messages from people telling me that they have read this blog and that it has changed their perspective on life. I get messages from Amanda Shrum all the time reminding me that I am loved. I have friends that say they are HAPPY to see me every day. THAT is the sunshine I need to let into my life. Not matter how many painful things happen to me in my life I know that I can go home on a sunday and be loved UNCONDITIONALLY by my family. How many people can truly say they LOVE going home to their family more than anything else? I know that I can get coffee with friends and talke about anything and everything. I know I can call Karli and laugh away all my pain. I know that I can call Tia and she'll remind me how wonderful I am. I know I can get a big warm hug from Jessa whenver I need it. Right now I am especially lucky to have a TRIBE of beautiful, wonderful, talented people that give me nothing but love. And I know that one anyonymous perosn who wrote me a letter is watching me, and beleiving in me. How could I ever feel worthless when I have all that?

Now, more than ever, it is going to be difficult for ALL of us to let the sunshine in. The holiday season is hard (especially for us single and desperate types!). So now with the cold dark winter aproaching its  more important than ever to remember that it is a choice to LET the sun shine in our lives. Its not an easy choice to make, but its possible. No matter how clouded our lives get with pain, regret, dissapointment, anger, and fear; there is always sunshine on the other side of the clouds waiting for us to LET it in :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Last year myNew Years resolution was to find self worth. After a few years of big decisions (the amazing school switcher!), reveals(suprise i'm gay and crazy!), and mental break downs (a trip to the hospital!), I was ready to figure out how to start loving and accepting myself. I will admit that when I started my journey I had no direction at all. Thankfully I found a really good therapist, because NOW towards the close of the year I am figuring out what self worth really means.

I went into my 9th week seeing Lee (my therapist) today. As I walked into his office I noticed a new painting sitting above the little couch I sit on every week. It was a beautiful purple flower with little yellow stems in the middle and a faded purple surrounding. I was suprised by the new painting that I said to Lee "what a beautiful painting! when did you get it?" Lee looked at me and said "about three years ago." "Yeah but when did you put it up?" I asked. He then explained to me that he bought and put up that painting three years ago. I had been in his office weekly for months and not seen this beautiful painting once. Lee then explained to me why me noticing that beautiful painting was a huge indicator of the progress I've made.

Our brains are designed to function in systems and patterns. Those patterns are called neuro-nets. We develope them to understand and filter our existance. We have neuro-nets for how to tie our shoes, eat, drive, etc. When I started seeing Lee the largest neuro-nets in my brain were the ones that were set up to filter my emotinoal problems. Bipolar disorder, boarderline perosnality disorder, anxiety, depression, self loathing, body dismorphia, and low confidence all had their own nero-nets. So as I experienced life those large nets were catching all of the information that pertained to those specific categories. So my entire existance was filtered through those nets. I found a million different ways to experience life in a very negative way because the amount of positive pathways I had in my brain was very low. So now that I'm starting to filter my life experiences in a different way, I'm beginning to LITERALLY see new things. I'm finding beauty in places I've never seen it. I'm finding happiness and love that I ever knew existed. I saw a beautiful painting that I never saw before.

My path to self love is coming through positive self talk (see pervious post) and through learning to be a "self reliant, strong, postured, masculine adult." Its coming from me letting go of the need to hate and punish myself. Its coming because I understand what makes me happy and I pursue it aggressivly. I thought for a long time that myself worth would come from making it big (broadway), or from getting a boyfriend, good grades, a clean car, a good body, etc. But what I'm learning now is that those things can't happen until self worth happens. I am learning to recognize what is really great about me and activly accepting and loving those traits, and then accepting what I feel my flaws are and actively making changes. I am making those changes BECUASE I love myself not the other way around.

Al of these things sound really simple, but actually acheiving them has been very difficult for me. I am AGGRESSIVLY (i use this word a lot for a reason) thinking about these things, working in my workbook, and listening to my Louise Hay cd. I practice the skills I am learning all day long. But the work I am doing is completely worth it. I mean I saw a beautiful purple flower I've never seen before today! Who knows how many other beautiful things I'll see in the future!