In the theatre world, people say that being in HAIR changes your life forever. And for me it most definately has.. but in a much different way than I thought. The lessons I have learned, and continue to learn every night are ones that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I am so greatful that being in this show is happening right now, when I am making so many postive changes in my life. During our first preview I had a awakening during the very last song of our show. We sing "let the sun shine in" over and over to close the show, and as we came to the climax of that moment I put an extra emphasis on LET, and realized how much that little peice of text is a reflection of what I am trying to do. I am learning to LET the sun shine in my life.
I will admit that being a small role in a show is difficult for me because too much of my self worth comes from having a successful career. So when I am in the background of a show, I let that affect my entire life. I have walked around for the past few months telling myself that I am never going to make it in this industry if I can't even be successful in college theatre. I have walked around reminding myself of why I am inadequite over and over again.... and for what? What good has that done me? This show has taught me to LET myself recgonize my worth as a PERSON not as a performer. I have so much more to give than a singing voice, and I was blocking so much light from my life by limiting my worth to that.
There was also a time in my life where I really wanted to be sick. I needed people to recognize that I was hurting. I wanted to wallow in my pain. Finally recognizing that I WANT to be happy is how I LET the sun shine in my life. The final message of Hair is a plea for people to allow the beauty of the world to enter their lives. And up until a few nights ago, I wasn't doing that completely.
It can be difficult to find the sunshine. I promise that I understand that. This world has a way of kicking us while we're down, but putting focus on that only makes life harder. For the past few months I've been trying and failing over and over again to not only better myself as a performer, but also as a human being. But there are so many things in this world that are wonderful. There is so much sunshine! I get a text message from the beautiful Kelsey McGary every single day reminding me that I am loved. I have a family that beleives in me more than anyone else. I have friends that love me. No matter what happens to me, I know that I am loved unconditionally. If I can learn to let that light into my life all the time, NOTHING can hurt me. The day after the cast list for Hair was posted I got an anonymous letter of comfort from someon who cares about me a lot. My favorite line in the letter says "you are strong; you are a worrier. You are loved, for YOU. Don't ever change!" I pull this letter out whenver I'm having a bad day and it brings a little light into my life. If even that ONE anoymous person feels that way about me, I have a reason to continue. I get messages from people telling me that they have read this blog and that it has changed their perspective on life. I get messages from Amanda Shrum all the time reminding me that I am loved. I have friends that say they are HAPPY to see me every day. THAT is the sunshine I need to let into my life. Not matter how many painful things happen to me in my life I know that I can go home on a sunday and be loved UNCONDITIONALLY by my family. How many people can truly say they LOVE going home to their family more than anything else? I know that I can get coffee with friends and talke about anything and everything. I know I can call Karli and laugh away all my pain. I know that I can call Tia and she'll remind me how wonderful I am. I know I can get a big warm hug from Jessa whenver I need it. Right now I am especially lucky to have a TRIBE of beautiful, wonderful, talented people that give me nothing but love. And I know that one anyonymous perosn who wrote me a letter is watching me, and beleiving in me. How could I ever feel worthless when I have all that?
Now, more than ever, it is going to be difficult for ALL of us to let the sunshine in. The holiday season is hard (especially for us single and desperate types!). So now with the cold dark winter aproaching its more important than ever to remember that it is a choice to LET the sun shine in our lives. Its not an easy choice to make, but its possible. No matter how clouded our lives get with pain, regret, dissapointment, anger, and fear; there is always sunshine on the other side of the clouds waiting for us to LET it in :)