Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Sunday, September 26, 2010

"Light" - Next to Normal


So its been one week since my little accident, and I am still shaken from it. They say that time heals all wounds... well I am not very patient. I am so ready to move on and forget all of this. But I know I am not done learning from it yet. So many people tell me that I need to "live in and for the moment" over and over, but that is so much easier said than done. I live in the past on a regular basis. And lately I live in the past almost constantly. But here is why I need to learn to live for the now:

Today at about 12 o'clock, instead of injesting 14,000 mg of lithium, i was in the mountians in Sundance with my family. I was in a living hell one week ago, and today I should have been close to heaven. I was able to feel the happiness of my time with my family in a beautiful cabin, with beautiful scenery for a few minuets at a time, but not fully. I kept going back to the things that hurt. The things that keep me up at night. I HAVE to learn to live in the moment or I will keep missing opportunities to experience real happiness. In one of the most beautiful places on earth (in my opinioin) I was still seeing and feeling a cold emergency room, a dark bedroom all alone, or a lonely bench in front of my apartment.

I have been off medication since my stomache was pumped, and I have been feeling the full effects of my disease. I thought for a while that the medicine was clouding my happiness, and that I would be off medicine in a matter of months. But after this week I know that I am no where near that. Once again I am being impatient. Healing takes time. More than just a few months.

But being off my medicine and being with my family this weekend reminded me of something. LIGHT. The few moments of joy I experienced this weekend are my light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is all I have to live for. I used to live for other people. I invested EVERYTHING in people. Well guess what? PEOPLE SUCK. People let you down, and hurt you without even knowing it. So my new investment is that LIGHT. I am going to dedicate the next few months of my life to finding that LIGHT, the joy and fulfillment that I deserve to feel. Love and happiness that aren't clouded by images of a hospital, a pill bottle, heartbreak, or a disease.

Friday, September 24, 2010

well here it is

I am really nervous about this post. I am not nervous to share my story, I am nervous that people will think I'm sharing it for the wrong reasons. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or attention. I'm posting this story because it has become one of the most defining moments of my life. I have learned a lot from it already and its only been days since it happened. My hope is that I can help anyone who feels they have no hope, or that their lives are out of control.

On sunday, September 19th I lost control and attempted to end my own life. I had manic episodes for several days in a row and on sunday morning I felt that I had nothing left to live for and injested 14000 milligrams of lithium along with all other medication I had in my cubbord. I layed down to sleep after taking the pills and about two minuets later jolted up and realized that it was a mistake and called 911. I spent the next 24 hours in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. I have spent the rest of the week on bed rest. I can't eat solid food still, my lithium levels are still too high so I get dizzy and nauseous very easily, and since I can't eat solid food I am very weak.

The first thing I learned from this experience was that I didn't have as much control as I thought I did. I got cocky. You can see from my last post that I thought everything was going great. So great, that I quit seeing my therapist and just popped a xanex in whenever I started freaking out. I am now on new medication for bipolar 2, and obsessive compulsive behavior and am getting into a new therapist. I always have to be ready for an episode and I wasn't. I didn't respond to the panic the way I usually do, I just let it take over me and unfortunately it was so severe that suicide was the result.

The second big lesson actually came from my mother. She asked me after we got home from the hospital, if she had called would it have made a difference? would i have stopped had she called? and the answer was simply, no. I would have lied or ignored the call. I explained to her that I am the only one that can save me. I am in charge of my emotions and this disease I have is my responsibility. I hadn't been taking responsibility for it, I ignored it, and then when I had a very slight upsetting day I lost my mind.

The third lesson is that SELF WORTH is at the root of my problems. I cling to people, places, and things so much that when they are taken from me, or leave I can't handle it. I cling so hard because I don't have self assurance and love. How do you get that? I have no idea, but I intend to find out. I am hoping therapy will help me discover it. No matter how many people tell me they love me, or compliment me, I don't ever truly beleive it or take it in. I beleive once I can learn to truly love and accept myself I won't be so dependent on others.

Ok so thats the story. Once again I want NO "oh jaron i'm so so sorry"'s happening. I just want people to be aware that these things happen so easily. Be on your guard. If you or a friend shows any kind of sign that they might be losing control, or feeling depressed so severely that they won't snap out of it. DON'T let them be alone. And if YOU feel out of control, just know that the pain you experience through doing something like this isn't worth it. I came about as close to death as someone can this past week. And in the short moments when I thought I was going to die on the way to the hospital I was full of regret. Its never worth it. And if you do live, the emergency room and hospital will make you wish you were dead. There is no happy ending to suicide, or attempting. Don't do it for attention cause it hurts too much, just ask for help. If you feel like you might lose control (like me) then keep yourself in safe places. Surround yourself with people no matter how difficult and painful it is to be around them. You will be greatful in the long run. And if you feel like life simply isn't worth living anymore, I promise you that if you seek help you will learn to find the beauty and happiness in life. Everyone deserves life, and happiness including me. Even though I know its gonna be hard to find, I will keep looking for it.

Maybe it seems self indulgent to post about this so soon... it might be. But its making me feel better right now and thats all I really care about. I intend to keep talking about it and continue with my NO SECRETS policy. I feel like me keeping this from my online journal would contradict the reason I blog, TO LET PEOPLE LEARN FROM MY CRAZY LIFE AND SCREW UPS.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A little update.

So I have been here in good old Salt Lake City for a few weeks now and all I can say is I LOVE THIS PLACE! My classes are amazing, the friends I have made in the theatre department here are awesome, and as for my home life.... well you just have to see my apartment to understand how amazing it is, but trust me it rocks. Most of all I love who I am here. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin before. I feel like I got to start over and be exactly who I had always wanted to be. My panic attacks have become less frequent as well as my depressive states, thats not to say they have gone away, but still less frequent is an improvement. Last time I went to see the doctor I asked if I could try going off medication for a while becaue I really hate the way I feel on them. He told me that wouldn't be smart yet, but if I felt an improvment in my situation after moving to Salt Lake City it could be a possibility. So I'm hoping that I will feel ready to try and step away from medicine this December but nothing is set in stone.

Now that I've got all the good news out of the way lets talk about how hard making this life happen was. FIRST of all giving up my place with the BYU Young Ambassadors was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know it sounds stupid cause to most people its just a performing group, but to me it was being apart of something bigger than me, being good enough, and getting the opportunity to travel accross the country. Giving that up hurt. And I have to admit that thought still keeps me up at night. SECOND leaving my provo friends sucks. Now I know I haven't really left them... they live a half hour away.. but still I used to see them every single day and I see them MUCH less than that now. LASTLY leaving the MDT program was scary as hell. It was a HUGE risk. The program has so much talent and credibility so writing my letters to my BYU professors killed me. BUT I had to choose my personal sanitiy over my career for once. And so far I don't regret that choice.... i just get haunted by anxiety attacks whenever I hear about byu stuff.. no big deal ;) 

I am SOOO excited for the next performance I'm taking part in! A touring company called Vox Lumiere is comming to Kingsburry Hall this october and doing a multi-media production of the Phantom of the Opera silent film while singing the opera (not the andrew lloyd webber version the REAL one) with a new rock and roll style. And the MTP program here was asked to be the back up choir for that! Yes ladies and gentleman I will be singing in Kingsburry Hall on October 8th!

so to conclude this random  update : I am so happy here in Salt Lake and I know I made the right decision comming here, but that doesn't keep me from having panic attacks when I think about what I left in provo..... and I'm singing in Kingsburry Hall.... and we got a broadway actor give a master class the other day in our voice class.... and stephen sondheim is comming... and new york agents are comming to master class our showcase... and i'm gonna be in Songs for a New world this spring..... and... ya thats all for now but there will be more cool stuff to come i assure you :)