So its been one week since my little accident, and I am still shaken from it. They say that time heals all wounds... well I am not very patient. I am so ready to move on and forget all of this. But I know I am not done learning from it yet. So many people tell me that I need to "live in and for the moment" over and over, but that is so much easier said than done. I live in the past on a regular basis. And lately I live in the past almost constantly. But here is why I need to learn to live for the now:
Today at about 12 o'clock, instead of injesting 14,000 mg of lithium, i was in the mountians in Sundance with my family. I was in a living hell one week ago, and today I should have been close to heaven. I was able to feel the happiness of my time with my family in a beautiful cabin, with beautiful scenery for a few minuets at a time, but not fully. I kept going back to the things that hurt. The things that keep me up at night. I HAVE to learn to live in the moment or I will keep missing opportunities to experience real happiness. In one of the most beautiful places on earth (in my opinioin) I was still seeing and feeling a cold emergency room, a dark bedroom all alone, or a lonely bench in front of my apartment.
I have been off medication since my stomache was pumped, and I have been feeling the full effects of my disease. I thought for a while that the medicine was clouding my happiness, and that I would be off medicine in a matter of months. But after this week I know that I am no where near that. Once again I am being impatient. Healing takes time. More than just a few months.