Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Sunday, September 26, 2010


So its been one week since my little accident, and I am still shaken from it. They say that time heals all wounds... well I am not very patient. I am so ready to move on and forget all of this. But I know I am not done learning from it yet. So many people tell me that I need to "live in and for the moment" over and over, but that is so much easier said than done. I live in the past on a regular basis. And lately I live in the past almost constantly. But here is why I need to learn to live for the now:

Today at about 12 o'clock, instead of injesting 14,000 mg of lithium, i was in the mountians in Sundance with my family. I was in a living hell one week ago, and today I should have been close to heaven. I was able to feel the happiness of my time with my family in a beautiful cabin, with beautiful scenery for a few minuets at a time, but not fully. I kept going back to the things that hurt. The things that keep me up at night. I HAVE to learn to live in the moment or I will keep missing opportunities to experience real happiness. In one of the most beautiful places on earth (in my opinioin) I was still seeing and feeling a cold emergency room, a dark bedroom all alone, or a lonely bench in front of my apartment.

I have been off medication since my stomache was pumped, and I have been feeling the full effects of my disease. I thought for a while that the medicine was clouding my happiness, and that I would be off medicine in a matter of months. But after this week I know that I am no where near that. Once again I am being impatient. Healing takes time. More than just a few months.

But being off my medicine and being with my family this weekend reminded me of something. LIGHT. The few moments of joy I experienced this weekend are my light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is all I have to live for. I used to live for other people. I invested EVERYTHING in people. Well guess what? PEOPLE SUCK. People let you down, and hurt you without even knowing it. So my new investment is that LIGHT. I am going to dedicate the next few months of my life to finding that LIGHT, the joy and fulfillment that I deserve to feel. Love and happiness that aren't clouded by images of a hospital, a pill bottle, heartbreak, or a disease.


Taryn said...

im sorrry if i was one of those people. i love you baby. miss you.

Ana said...

"we need some light. first of all, we need some light"

love you :)

Amanda said...

I've started reading your blog since I saw you post it on Facebook today. I barely know you but I am already amazed by your strength and insight. I agree with you on finding light, and I know everyone else has already told you this and you don't know me, but I feel that I need to let you know that I'm here for and love you too.