I am really nervous about this post. I am not nervous to share my story, I am nervous that people will think I'm sharing it for the wrong reasons. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or attention. I'm posting this story because it has become one of the most defining moments of my life. I have learned a lot from it already and its only been days since it happened. My hope is that I can help anyone who feels they have no hope, or that their lives are out of control.
On sunday, September 19th I lost control and attempted to end my own life. I had manic episodes for several days in a row and on sunday morning I felt that I had nothing left to live for and injested 14000 milligrams of lithium along with all other medication I had in my cubbord. I layed down to sleep after taking the pills and about two minuets later jolted up and realized that it was a mistake and called 911. I spent the next 24 hours in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. I have spent the rest of the week on bed rest. I can't eat solid food still, my lithium levels are still too high so I get dizzy and nauseous very easily, and since I can't eat solid food I am very weak.
The first thing I learned from this experience was that I didn't have as much control as I thought I did. I got cocky. You can see from my last post that I thought everything was going great. So great, that I quit seeing my therapist and just popped a xanex in whenever I started freaking out. I am now on new medication for bipolar 2, and obsessive compulsive behavior and am getting into a new therapist. I always have to be ready for an episode and I wasn't. I didn't respond to the panic the way I usually do, I just let it take over me and unfortunately it was so severe that suicide was the result.
The second big lesson actually came from my mother. She asked me after we got home from the hospital, if she had called would it have made a difference? would i have stopped had she called? and the answer was simply, no. I would have lied or ignored the call. I explained to her that I am the only one that can save me. I am in charge of my emotions and this disease I have is my responsibility. I hadn't been taking responsibility for it, I ignored it, and then when I had a very slight upsetting day I lost my mind.
The third lesson is that SELF WORTH is at the root of my problems. I cling to people, places, and things so much that when they are taken from me, or leave I can't handle it. I cling so hard because I don't have self assurance and love. How do you get that? I have no idea, but I intend to find out. I am hoping therapy will help me discover it. No matter how many people tell me they love me, or compliment me, I don't ever truly beleive it or take it in. I beleive once I can learn to truly love and accept myself I won't be so dependent on others.
Ok so thats the story. Once again I want NO "oh jaron i'm so so sorry"'s happening. I just want people to be aware that these things happen so easily. Be on your guard. If you or a friend shows any kind of sign that they might be losing control, or feeling depressed so severely that they won't snap out of it. DON'T let them be alone. And if YOU feel out of control, just know that the pain you experience through doing something like this isn't worth it. I came about as close to death as someone can this past week. And in the short moments when I thought I was going to die on the way to the hospital I was full of regret. Its never worth it. And if you do live, the emergency room and hospital will make you wish you were dead. There is no happy ending to suicide, or attempting. Don't do it for attention cause it hurts too much, just ask for help. If you feel like you might lose control (like me) then keep yourself in safe places. Surround yourself with people no matter how difficult and painful it is to be around them. You will be greatful in the long run. And if you feel like life simply isn't worth living anymore, I promise you that if you seek help you will learn to find the beauty and happiness in life. Everyone deserves life, and happiness including me. Even though I know its gonna be hard to find, I will keep looking for it.
Maybe it seems self indulgent to post about this so soon... it might be. But its making me feel better right now and thats all I really care about. I intend to keep talking about it and continue with my NO SECRETS policy. I feel like me keeping this from my online journal would contradict the reason I blog, TO LET PEOPLE LEARN FROM MY CRAZY LIFE AND SCREW UPS.