Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Sunday, January 23, 2011

i like to play in the dirt sometimes

Tonight I drove to the top of the Avenues. I parked my car on the side of a hill, walked out into the dirt and looked out at the glowing lights of the city. Its one of the most beautiful places that I have found in the whole valley. As I stood there I kept trying to force myself to come up with some profoud thought as to how looking out at the city made me feel so small...yet at peace... or something. But nothing was coming. All I could think about was "its cold, my expensive shoes are muddy, I can't sit down because these are nice jeans and i wanted to wear them tomorrow, and this hot chocolate I bought isn't very good." I started driving back downt the hill toward home....And then it hit me. When did I become this person? When did I become the guy that is too wrapped up in his own life to notice the beauty around him? When I was a kid it was a good day when I came home with grass stains on my jeans. I would be outside for as long as possible and cry when I had to come inside and take a shower. I would literally take my dinner and eat it outside by myself just so I wouldn't have to be cooped up in the house. And now I spend more time in practice rooms than I do outside. I didn't leave my apartment until 10:00 at night by choice. So I turned around. I went back out into the muddy field and sat on a mound of dirt. I sat and just looked. I didn't look for meaning, or for a metaphore, I just looked at the pretty lights. But I still wasn't satisfied. So I found a park nearby and sat on the swings. I went as high as I could and jumped off. Then I ran up a hill near the top of the park just to see what the view was like from the top, and then ran back down.

Some people might call this a "manic episode" but I call it an awakening. I have talked myself into beleiving that I care more about expensive clothes and fancy resturants than experiencing life. I don't really know when it happened. But somewhere along the way I changed to fit in to my stereotype better. The truth is I love camping. I love walking outside. I love swimming. I am not afraid of cold water. I like the smell of the inside of a tent. I love waking up to the sun rather than an alarm clock. I think food tastes better in the woods than in a resturant.I convinced myself that these things weren't true in an effort to seperate myself from other men and fit in with the girls better. But my new goal is to allow myself to experience the things I love without holding myself back. I want to remember what it feels like to not care if I have a grass stain on my jeans. I want to remember why I loved to take my dinner out and sit in the yard alone.

Don't get me wrong.....I still like expensive clothes. I still love fancy food. I really do love to stay in with a wine glass full of milk and watch sex in the city. I just don't want to be limited to that anymore. I want to experience more. And anyone who knows me knows that I get what I want. so dont worry... it will happen :)


David said...

You are awesome.... I have found myself walking down that same path of becoming what others think I should be rather than what I truly am... Congrats on figuring out what I have only started to realize (almost thirty years later in life). We should be who we want and do what we love and not worry about what others may think or if we will offend someone by not being who they think we are... get dirty, have fun, laugh a lot, and cry when the mood strikes....


Michael said...

yay dirt!!!!! what about cold water when you're thrown off a jet ski? haha! just kidding, but seriously.... very profound insights little bro! keep it up! and if you ever need someone to get dirty with or shoot stuff or blow stuff up or just do something outside, i'm your man!

Suzie said...

I gave you an award today. Check out my blog. I'm glad you got dirty!