Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Listening to my body.

Most, if not all, manic depresive people will tell you that feeling manic is FAR superior to depression. As a matter of fact, even someone without a mental problem would tell you they prefer energy to depression. Over the past few months all I wanted was to stay manic as long as possible. I got pretty depressed around the whole six month anniversary of my attempted suicide thing, but I bounced back like always. Except this time, the prospect of living with depression again was absloutely unbearable. I just couldn't handle another few weeks of wanting to die, pretending to like people, wishing I had the energy to try... so I decided to do everything in my power to stay manic. I read that excessive amounts of caffine and lack of sleep can enduce mania..... so I started drinking coffee religiously and staying up as late as I could. When I started feeling like I might be slipping back into depresion I would grab another cup of coffee and practice, go to the gym, or go facebook crazy for a few hours until I was too busy with life to feel depresed. I ignored all the classic signs of Jaron depression like complete disinterest in hygene, irritablilty to the point of absolute bitchy-ness, extreme fatigue, and an increased desire to stay in bed all day and never open my eyes. I though maybe if I could find a way to stay manic for three or four months, I could just relax during the summer. It didn't work. In fact it just made me feel awful. I found myself getting angry over EVERYTHING, taking things too personally, and getting physcally ill. Underneath my facade of being "totally fine" I wanted to run away and never come back. I started looking up hotel prices in random places all over the country so I could have somewhere to escape to.

Although I was very productive, I felt that I might suddenly burst into tears at any moment. There was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I so desperately wanted to get away from... but couldn't manage to outrun.

Finally last night I gave in. I sat in my emptpy apartment and cried. I gave into that feeling I had been running from. And i must say... was actually a relief. As strange as it may sound, feeling depressed alone in my apartment was the nicest thing that had happened to me in months. My head stopped spinning, my body relaxed, and I relased all of the fear I had pent of for months. Then I spent the whole next day doing whatever I wanted. (which ended up being eating a greek salad alone in the mountains).

Now, for the first time in months, things seem clear, balanced, almost normal. What I really want is balance, so I thought maybe if I stayed manic for a while I would have some control and be ... sort of balanced. What I have learned is that my own personal form of balance comes from the ups and downs I experience. So I think i'm going to try riding the rollercoaster for a while and see how it goes.

"to be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist." - Gail Sheehy

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