It has been QUITE a while since I last posted so here is a quick update on my life..... I just finished up Dirty Rotten Scoundrels at the Hale Center Theatre in west valley, I'm opening ANOTHER show this wednesday called Songs for a New World for the University of Utah summer season, teaching voice lessons, working at urban outfitters. I also bought a bike, gave up red meat, sodium, sugar, caffine, simple carbs, and went skinny dipping. Ok, now to what I REALLY wanna write about.
I don't have cable or even basic channels on my TV at home so I have a hard time keeping up with current events, so I just learned today about the attacks in Norway. While I have no personal ties to the country I was interested in knowing exactly what happened so I did a little research and learned that Norweigan government does not use capitol punishment, or even life sentances in prison. The man who is responsible for the attacks will be released from prison in his mid 60's. The Norwegian prison system is quite different than american. Rather than kill, or condem a man like him, they figure out a way to help him. They beleive that people can be changed, taught, and made better. The man responsible for killing over 80 people will spend the next 20 years of his life in prison with counselors and therapists correcting his problems and improving his life. At first this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. My first thought would be to put the man responsible for an act like that to death, but what a beautiful thought that a Nation could have the emotional maturity to recognise that a man like him is disturbed, that it is against human nature to kill, and to want to help someone like that better himself. So now the question is HOW do I have the emotional maturity that those people have? How to I apply the Norwegian perspective to my narrow minded american life?
Recently perspective has been more than skewed. I have literally spent hours looking in the mirror deciding what is wrong with the way I look, and figuring out how to change it. I told myself that I will never be a successful performer if I look the way I do. I also spend a lot of time contemplating what my life will be like if I am not a successful performer and the idea scares me so badly that I can't sleep at night. Through the entire process of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I considered myself to be the least talented of my cast and constantly compared my dance ability, singing ability, and looks to others in my cast to the point where I started hating going to my show because I left feeling so low. I have still been very angry with my parents for months now about not helping me with a loan for school because I can't help but think every day what my life would be like if I were going to my dream school. And even now as I write this paragraph whenever I take a break from typing... my hands go to my stomach and I grab at the fat that I LOATH so deeply.
So from today forward I want to shift my perspective to a healthier more mature place. Spending hours looking at my body for flaws isn't going to help anything. I can go the gym, eat right, and stay active for the sake of being a helathy person, but I can't starve myself because I hate myself anymore. I have to stop comparing myself to to other people because there is ALWAYS going to be somebody more talented than me. And having nightmears about not being on broadway is literally the dumbest out of all of the stupid things I do. The thing that I love about theatre so much is the PROCESS not the glory. So I'm going to try and enjoy learning to dance, sing better, and become a real actor instead of beating myself up about not being good at anything right now. Being angry with my parents is also completely useless. I have to make due with what I have. My education is my responsibility not my parents so I will make it work and try and leave my bitterness behind.
I share the Norwegian beleif that people really can change.