Dealing with Anxiety

So for the past little while I have been in sort of a daze/slump. After consulting with my doctor and therapist the decision was made to increase my dosage of lithium and cymbalta and add zanex to help my mood become more stable. Well guess what.. it worked. The problem was I wasn't me anymore. I was completely apathetic toward everything and too tired to get out of bed all day until I left for my show at 5. I missed voice lessons, doctor appointments, messages, physical therapy, therapy, you name it I blew it off. So I have come to the decision to go back to my old dosage (which still helped a little, but not a ton) and work harder with my therapist on overcomming my extreme anxiety and depression. So why am i boring you with my sappy story? Because beleive it or not EVERYONE has anxiety or depression to some extent and it is important to learn how to manage it!

So this is what I have been working on:

The first step to fighting anxiety/depression is finding what the triggers are. Sometimes (especially in cases of bipolar disorder) the triggers are difficult to find. But it is so important to recognize them! In my case my triggers have a lot to do with insults and insecurities. I get depressed when I am insulted at all. If someone doesn't like my shoes, thinks a note i sang sounded bad, ect. And I get very anxious if I feel insecure. I get extremely anxious when i am at parties, social gatherings, talking to people after shows, if i feel fat, my hair isn't right, or my clothes don't match etc.

So after you find the cause recognize the reality of the cause. 99.9% of the time there is very little truth or depth to what is giving you anxiety or depression. Look at me I am NOT fat, I am a people person, I have great hair, I can sing well.... but all the things that freak me out SOOO bad contradict those truths. And even if they are true, sometimes my clothes don't match right, does it really actually matter to anyone but me? will it make a difference on my life in the long run? NO.

After that distract yourself from it. Forget it. Have a good time, hang with friends, get work done, laundry, organize, i personally play that piano and sing to distract myself.

After you have distrated yourself for some time you are able to look back and see that what you were anxious or depressed about REALLY didn't matter at all. IT WANS'T YOUR LOGICAL BRAIN IT WAS YOUR ANXIOUS/DEPRESSED BRAIN.

It isn't easy to do all of this. Trust me I've been trying for weeks. But when I DO manage to get the steps down right I find an incredible amount of peace. Now I know that not everyone has emotional disorders, but it upsets me that the only people that get advice on how to make your life better are messed up people like me! ;) So to anyone who is reading this weather you are crazy or not PLEASE  apply this in your life. You will be astounded by what it can do for you.

Oh shoot... another sappy blog post from jaron.

So a few weeks ago after one of our rehearsals for the WEDDING SINGER (which opens this week i'm in the MWF cast come see it text me for more information) our director got up in front of us and asked "why do you do this? why perform?" And several members of the cast gave quick answers like "i love giving" and "i love the rush" and "i love making people happy." And I haven't been able to stop thinking about that moment because I really had to ask myself WHY do I do what I do. Why perform? Now those of you who know me know that once I get something in my head it NEVER leaves so I've been searching for the answer for a while and this is what I've decided :

I perform because I LOVE. Look at the answers other cast members gave above and what do they all have in common? LOVE. I love people, stories, music, dancing, dressing up, smiling, seeing other people smile, making people laugh, teaching someone a lesson, making someones day, changing someones life, putting ideas in peoples heads they might not have ever had before, singing my heart out, people clapping for me, feeling attractive, lights, sweating, working, learning, growing, discovering. and the list goes on and on.

I perform because it is my obligation to use the gifts I have been given to change lives. And in return I get SO much more than I deserve. I get to spend my life doing and studying the list above. Who could ask for anything more :)

CONTROL

I've been thinking a lot about what it really means to be in control of my life. Being Bipolar I have very little control over what emotions I feel, so it has been something I've been trying to understand better. What does it mean to to have total control over my life? Does that mean I have my month planned out? My Year? Or does that mean I decide when I'm happy and when I'm sad? And while I was visiting with my therapist today I realized that we don't really have control over very many things. The only thing we have control over is our actions. So what does that mean? That means it is MY responsibility to take control over the one thing I am able to tak control of and use it to make my world a better place. So this is what i pledge to do. (feel free to join me if you wish)

I pledge to keep my out of control emotions to myself and never bring others down with the way I'm feeling.
I Pledge to keep the rude comments and thoughts that pop into my head INSIDE my head and not act on them by saying hurtful things about others. I also pledge to keep the naughty words I think of (all too often) inside my head and not offend others with the foul things that pop into my scary little brain :)
I Pledge to help others reguardless of how I feel. No matter how depressed I am, or how manic I get, I will always be there to serve people who need help more than me.

That is what I learned from my weird life this week :) thanks for listening!