2010 is almost over. I recall writing a new years blog last year and saying something like... 2009 has been the hardest year of my life. And I am tempted to say that again, but I am going to keep myself from having that kind of look on my year. Yeah a lot of bad things happened in 2010 but I don't want to look back on this year as the year of difficult decisions, lonliness, suicide, and confusion. I want to look back on 2010 as the year I learned how to be myself. The year I let go of my secrets. The year I started LIVING.
A wise man once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I feel the same way about regret. So my new year goals are going to be my attempt at moving my regret and guilt in a positive directioin. Instead of saying "I wish I hadn't" in 2010, I am going to say "I can't wait to" in 2011.
I can't wait to:
Have so much self confidence that I don't feel worthless when someone doesn't like me.
Release the need to be in a relationship and live.
Kick my face.
Have a six pack because I want it. Not to please everyone else.
One of my more serious goals has developed out of something I heard a lot this year from family and friends. When I hear about people describing me the first thing (and occasionally the only thing) they say is "he is really talented." Maybe its hard for people to understand.. but that hurts a lot. There is so much more to me than my singing voice. My profession needs to be what I do not who I am. So my goal for 2011 is to have people's first thought of me be something different. I want to be thought of as kind, friendly, open minded, and approachable. So I have to start learing how to be those things!! "This is my friend Jaron, he is really sweet.... oh and he's a pretty good singer too."
I have started a new book. Its called EAT PRAY LOVE. I know I am sooo lame becase I didn't start reading it until I saw the movie but I'm obsessed with it. So obsessed in fact, that I am basing one of my new years resolutions on it. At one point in the book the main character is living in italy and has made it a goal to figure out what her WORD is. Her first instinct is to say her word is "writer", but her friend tells her that WRITER is what she does not who she is. And as I thought about it I realized that if someone asked me what my "word" was I would probably say PERFORMER. But like I said before I don't want my profession to define who I am inside. So this year I will find my word.
The classic new years tune "Auld Lang Syne" is translated in english to mean "long long ago." When I think Long Long Ago on new years past I remember striving to make big changes in my life and beating myself up when I failed to finish them. So this year my resolutions are not just for 2011, they are for forever. So hoepfully many years from now when I think back, long long ago, I will remeber 2011 as the year I began my quest to becoming the exact person I want to be.