getting better.

I have seen a lot of different therapists over the past year. Every time things get bad, or I feel down I realize that I need to talk to a professional. But in one year I have never stayed with a therapist for more than a month. I've been doing this all wrong. I realized today (thanks to an episode of greys anatomy...don't judge me) that going to a therapist isn't about getting better. Its not about finding happiness. Its about learning to deal with my circumstances, and that process is longer than four weeks. I stopped taking medication and I stopped seeing a therapist because things started going well for me. All of the sudden I didn't need help anymore because I was happy. Sometimes I guess I forget that I'm bipolar because the high never lasts for more than a week or two. I'm realizing that I'm really never going to GET BETTER. Thats all I've wanted for the past year. Somehow I had it in my head that I would find a pill that made me feel normal, or talked things out with a therapist and suddenly something would click and I could be just like everyone else. Well no I'm pleased to say that my search for a cure is over.

I need medication so that my best friend doesn't have to call me three times every morning to get me out of bed. I need medication so that my friends don't have to dread the weeks of depression and pray that I wake up manic so that they can laugh and enjoy life with me. I need medication so that when I'm manic I don't sleep in a graveyard or make friends with homeless people just to do something crazy. I don't need a cure for my problems. There is no such thing. But I do need medicine so that I can get my education and have friends, and family, and hopefully some day a meaningful relationship.

I need therapy to talk about my attatchment issues. I need a therapist so my poor mother doesn't have to worry that I don't have someone to help me when I need it. I need a therapist to help me learn to let go of my past. I need a therapist so that my friends don't have to be therapists.

This past weekend I auditioned for the Boston Conservatory. I was accpeted last year but couldn't afford to go so I auditioned again hoping that something will work out this time. Its been my dream since I was in 8th grade to go there. Being accepted last year was one of the happiest days of my life. And being there for the past few days was an incredible experience. I met amazingly talented and beautiful people. If I am accepted to that school I have to be ready to handle the experience of being accross the country from my family... and my mommy. I have to be ready to deal with a very heavy class/stress load. I have to be ready to be a professional. And even if I stay in salt lake for the next few years I still need help to be ready for life in the real world.

Its hard for me to admit things like this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love being in control. Strong. Indipendent. The only reason I went to therapy before was so I could OVERCOME something. To beat my illness and be a winner. This time I'm getting help for real. I am putting my pride aside because I deserve better. My family deserves better. My friends deserve better. I won't be cured from my illness...but I will be better.