Six months ago today I wanted my life to be over. Six months ago I was sitting where I'm sitting right now with pills scattered accross my bed sheets and telling myself that life wasn't worth living. Six months ago nothing seemed to be going right, my future seemed dismal, life was hard. Six months ago today I was admited into the hospital after swallowing 14,000 mg of lithium and several other kinds of bipolar medication. Six months ago I was regretting that stupid decisioin. I was saying " i wish it were six months from now.... then this will all be in the past." So now i'm asking myself what has changed in six months?
I still have nightmares about the emergancy room. I can't swallow a pill without dry heaving. I am more afraid of rejection and dissapointment. I developed mild acid reflux. But what about ME has ACTUALLY changed? I'm still bipolar. I still don't know if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm still worried it will happen again someday. ...
Here's what has changed. I woke up this morning and got out of bed, got ready, and went to the school to help out with auditions for the U. I didn't even realize it was February 19th. I didn't realize it was 6 months ago today until 4:30. That might sound stupid to you, but for me its a big deal. It means I'm moving on.
But even more important than what has changed is what HASN'T changed. I still have the best family in the entire world. I still have incredible friends. I still have a support system. I still have passion for what I do. I am still getting a great education. I think it is those things that HAVEN'T changed that have made it possible for me to move on.
I live in an inconsistant world. I am constantly shifting, changing, growing. So today the thing that gives me comfort is not that I've changed in the past six months.... its that nothing has changed at all :)
2 comments:
Jaron-It is interesting how it all works huh? :) Keep moving forward my friend! You are talented and have so much ahead of you--good things, too! Thanks for the post-it's cool to see your progress!
Laura
I didn't realize either that it was 6 months yesterday. I have been caught up in wedding happenings, but I have seen some changes in you in the last 6 months. You are more calm. You smile more. You seem happier with yourself. You seem more like Jaron. I know it it still very hard for you, but keep holding on to those constants: the unconditional love of your family, the Savior's overwhelming love for you, knowing that He has a plan for you and will help and guide you. Those things that never change are what get us through the hard things in life. I will tell you again what I told you six months ago in the emergency room: Thank you for calling 9-11. I love you.
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