Monday, May 30, 2011
I get by with a little help from my friends :)
ha litIts not easy to be my friend. I'm a lot of fun to the point of obnoxious and recklessness for a while... then I hide away in my room from the whole world and don't answer my phone. I get irritated quickly and say rude things that I don't mean. I forget about other peoples feelings. I send those really obnoxious one word texts like "ok" and "fine" because I don't have the energy to type a complete thought. I push people away because when I'm sad I don't think I deserve love. And these things get worse and worse every month so it gets harder and harder to hide them. But there is a beautiful group of people that love me despite all of these awful flaws. These are the people that I stay alive for when I'm sad, and the people I can't wait to play with when I'm manic. So... here is just a few of the people in my amazing support system.
I don't know how... but me and her just get eachother. its a grey and yang thing.
I mean beautiful and a sense of humor. who could ask for anything more?
I mean... this picture pretty much sums it up :)
This picture was taken the days before I went to the hospital. They brought me that hat to make me feel better, left me lots of funny voicemails, pretended like nothing happened so i wouldn't feel weird coming back, oh and the one in the hat never left my bedside :)
my best friend in the world.
i mean... who else in this world would have the patience to take my crazy 2 am phonecalls :)
i survived a year in UTAH VALLEY because of this beautiful girl.
it takes a very special person to live with me... thats all i'm sayin :)
this is like the only picture we have together because she's a newer friend... but i love her... and this is all we do anyway haha.
sometimes you find your most supportive friends in unexpected places... like at a high school prom :)
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. If anyone on this planet has a right to hate me its that beautiful girl in the pink suit... but she doesn't. she accepts me and loves me even though i haven't always been the best friend to her.
we only have three more years together, but i'll love them all FOREVER!! cheesey? i don't care.
I am so lucky to have this wonderful family. There really is no place like home :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
INSOMNIA
You know how when you experience something really scary or painful... and then when you look back at it after a few days have gone by its not that big of a deal and you can't remember why you were so freaked out? Thats sort of how I feel when I think back on really manic or really depressed days. I forget sometimes that I'm Bipolar until i'm right in the middle of an episode. So about 6 months ago I bought a journal where I write down what I'm feeling right in the middle of those crazy moments so that I can remember later. I got the idea from looking back at my blog DRAFTS that I never posted. I was looking through them and found some from my "september 19th overdose". I didn't remember this, but I got on my blog and wrote a really long emotional messy entry about what I was feeling at the time, and although it was kind of disturbing to read... it was mostly helpful to remember what was going through my head. I won't post any quotes from those entries today... maybe someday. But TODAY I'm posting about my latest issue... INSOMNIA. The following quotes are right out of my personal journal (and occassionally some commentary from daytime jaron). My goal is to someday be able to put all of these journals into a book like Terri Chenny's book MANIC.
"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."
"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."
"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)
"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)
"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."
"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)
I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!
"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."
"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."
"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)
"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)
"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."
"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)
I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!
Monday, May 16, 2011
An Education
I just wrapped up another year of college of a few weeks ago. Being a freshman AGAIN was not exactly thrilling but I love the people in Salt Lake especially my MTP family. I left BYU and moved to Salt Lake to be who I really am, And I must say, things went much differently than planned, HOWEVER I learned more than I thought I would. So I am going to do another one of my LIST blogs and talk about all the little things I've learned during my year.
- LIFE is worth living. I came very close to death in september of last year. And even though back then I didn't want to live anymore... I'm glad I'm still here.
-charcoal belongs in camp fires. NOT in my stomach.
-If my house isn't decorated really well... i don't feel at home.
- Someone can get whatever they want from me if they tell me i'm PRETTY.
- I care more about my look than I do about my personality... and I want to change that.
-People think I'm good looking on the east coast.
-I'm OBSESSED with post secret.
- I still want to be Loreli Gilmore when I grow up.
-I hate people to hear me pee so i turn on the sink everytime I use the bathroom.
-I don't know how to casually date.
- When I get really sad... i don't stop eating.
-Taco bell is my best friend/worst enemy.
-I REALLY hope love feels like a country song.
-I like country music.
-I have a weird complex about how people view me back in syracuse (the town i'm from) If I find out my old neighbors are "dissapointed" or "concerned" about me... even though i know its with love..... i get REALLY defensive and it ruins my week.
- Being LDS dosn't bring me happiness.
-I beleive in and LOVE God.
-I hate to be needed, but love needing people.
-In my darkest moments the only one who can save me is ME.
-I am bipolar.
-I love lamp light and candles.
- I am interested in stable committment from a partner.
-I'm a terrible flirt.
-My charm doesn't really read via text.... or blog for that matter.
-Watching your dreams fly out the window is even more painful than it sounds.
-I'm talented enough to receive $15,000 from a top 5 musical theatre school.
-I hold grudges.
-I complain about not getting the parts i want because I don't have the body I want. I complain about being single because I don't have the body i want.... but i'm still afraid of the gym.
-I LOVE dancing... but i might not ever be really good at it... and that kills me.
-i'm NOT good at throwing parties.
-I'm REALLY good at avoiding therapy and medication.
-I have emotional problems.... but forgetting about them and living life helps.
-People who make up problems to get attention piss me off.
-I am a master manipulator... gotta stop that.
-i get dizzy before I get really manic.
-i like graveyards
-I REALLY want someone to love me
-"i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damnit people like me"
-I am a record breaking over reactor.
-If anything is going to hold me back from being a good dancer... its insomnia. Why are ballet classes always before 9 am????
-there's no place like home..
-people who can just fall asleep at a decent hour without a problem don't know how lucky they are.
-i'm pretty much always thinking about one of three things... belting.... my love life... or food.
-i'm never satisfied with two of the things listed above.
-karli rose lowry is the funniest person on the planet.
- I tear up when people tell me they think i would make a good father.
-I want to be a father.
-"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"-Marilyn Monroe
-witihout darkness we can never understand the light.
-having hope is a choice
-Sometimes... when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnle.... forget about your problems and laugh for a while... and pretty soon you'll be living in the light.
-cafe on 1st, the top of i, ensign peak, my bedroom window, the graveyard in the avenues, marriot dance center, su casa, city creek park, gateway, the schmidt house, pab, and my very large comfortable bed are my favorite places in salt lake city.
-i make really long lists... congrats if you made it to the end without falling asleep!
- LIFE is worth living. I came very close to death in september of last year. And even though back then I didn't want to live anymore... I'm glad I'm still here.
-charcoal belongs in camp fires. NOT in my stomach.
-If my house isn't decorated really well... i don't feel at home.
- Someone can get whatever they want from me if they tell me i'm PRETTY.
- I care more about my look than I do about my personality... and I want to change that.
-People think I'm good looking on the east coast.
-I'm OBSESSED with post secret.
- I still want to be Loreli Gilmore when I grow up.
-I hate people to hear me pee so i turn on the sink everytime I use the bathroom.
-I don't know how to casually date.
- When I get really sad... i don't stop eating.
-Taco bell is my best friend/worst enemy.
-I REALLY hope love feels like a country song.
-I like country music.
-I have a weird complex about how people view me back in syracuse (the town i'm from) If I find out my old neighbors are "dissapointed" or "concerned" about me... even though i know its with love..... i get REALLY defensive and it ruins my week.
- Being LDS dosn't bring me happiness.
-I beleive in and LOVE God.
-I hate to be needed, but love needing people.
-In my darkest moments the only one who can save me is ME.
-I am bipolar.
-I love lamp light and candles.
- I am interested in stable committment from a partner.
-I'm a terrible flirt.
-My charm doesn't really read via text.... or blog for that matter.
-Watching your dreams fly out the window is even more painful than it sounds.
-I'm talented enough to receive $15,000 from a top 5 musical theatre school.
-I hold grudges.
-I complain about not getting the parts i want because I don't have the body I want. I complain about being single because I don't have the body i want.... but i'm still afraid of the gym.
-I LOVE dancing... but i might not ever be really good at it... and that kills me.
-i'm NOT good at throwing parties.
-I'm REALLY good at avoiding therapy and medication.
-I have emotional problems.... but forgetting about them and living life helps.
-People who make up problems to get attention piss me off.
-I am a master manipulator... gotta stop that.
-i get dizzy before I get really manic.
-i like graveyards
-I REALLY want someone to love me
-"i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damnit people like me"
-I am a record breaking over reactor.
-If anything is going to hold me back from being a good dancer... its insomnia. Why are ballet classes always before 9 am????
-there's no place like home..
-people who can just fall asleep at a decent hour without a problem don't know how lucky they are.
-i'm pretty much always thinking about one of three things... belting.... my love life... or food.
-i'm never satisfied with two of the things listed above.
-karli rose lowry is the funniest person on the planet.
- I tear up when people tell me they think i would make a good father.
-I want to be a father.
-"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"-Marilyn Monroe
-witihout darkness we can never understand the light.
-having hope is a choice
-Sometimes... when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnle.... forget about your problems and laugh for a while... and pretty soon you'll be living in the light.
-cafe on 1st, the top of i, ensign peak, my bedroom window, the graveyard in the avenues, marriot dance center, su casa, city creek park, gateway, the schmidt house, pab, and my very large comfortable bed are my favorite places in salt lake city.
-i make really long lists... congrats if you made it to the end without falling asleep!
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