You know how when you experience something really scary or painful... and then when you look back at it after a few days have gone by its not that big of a deal and you can't remember why you were so freaked out? Thats sort of how I feel when I think back on really manic or really depressed days. I forget sometimes that I'm Bipolar until i'm right in the middle of an episode. So about 6 months ago I bought a journal where I write down what I'm feeling right in the middle of those crazy moments so that I can remember later. I got the idea from looking back at my blog DRAFTS that I never posted. I was looking through them and found some from my "september 19th overdose". I didn't remember this, but I got on my blog and wrote a really long emotional messy entry about what I was feeling at the time, and although it was kind of disturbing to read... it was mostly helpful to remember what was going through my head. I won't post any quotes from those entries today... maybe someday. But TODAY I'm posting about my latest issue... INSOMNIA. The following quotes are right out of my personal journal (and occassionally some commentary from daytime jaron). My goal is to someday be able to put all of these journals into a book like Terri Chenny's book MANIC.
"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."
"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."
"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)
"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)
"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."
"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)
I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!