A MILE STONE :)

Last year myNew Years resolution was to find self worth. After a few years of big decisions (the amazing school switcher!), reveals(suprise i'm gay and crazy!), and mental break downs (a trip to the hospital!), I was ready to figure out how to start loving and accepting myself. I will admit that when I started my journey I had no direction at all. Thankfully I found a really good therapist, because NOW towards the close of the year I am figuring out what self worth really means.

I went into my 9th week seeing Lee (my therapist) today. As I walked into his office I noticed a new painting sitting above the little couch I sit on every week. It was a beautiful purple flower with little yellow stems in the middle and a faded purple surrounding. I was suprised by the new painting that I said to Lee "what a beautiful painting! when did you get it?" Lee looked at me and said "about three years ago." "Yeah but when did you put it up?" I asked. He then explained to me that he bought and put up that painting three years ago. I had been in his office weekly for months and not seen this beautiful painting once. Lee then explained to me why me noticing that beautiful painting was a huge indicator of the progress I've made.

Our brains are designed to function in systems and patterns. Those patterns are called neuro-nets. We develope them to understand and filter our existance. We have neuro-nets for how to tie our shoes, eat, drive, etc. When I started seeing Lee the largest neuro-nets in my brain were the ones that were set up to filter my emotinoal problems. Bipolar disorder, boarderline perosnality disorder, anxiety, depression, self loathing, body dismorphia, and low confidence all had their own nero-nets. So as I experienced life those large nets were catching all of the information that pertained to those specific categories. So my entire existance was filtered through those nets. I found a million different ways to experience life in a very negative way because the amount of positive pathways I had in my brain was very low. So now that I'm starting to filter my life experiences in a different way, I'm beginning to LITERALLY see new things. I'm finding beauty in places I've never seen it. I'm finding happiness and love that I ever knew existed. I saw a beautiful painting that I never saw before.

My path to self love is coming through positive self talk (see pervious post) and through learning to be a "self reliant, strong, postured, masculine adult." Its coming from me letting go of the need to hate and punish myself. Its coming because I understand what makes me happy and I pursue it aggressivly. I thought for a long time that myself worth would come from making it big (broadway), or from getting a boyfriend, good grades, a clean car, a good body, etc. But what I'm learning now is that those things can't happen until self worth happens. I am learning to recognize what is really great about me and activly accepting and loving those traits, and then accepting what I feel my flaws are and actively making changes. I am making those changes BECUASE I love myself not the other way around.

Al of these things sound really simple, but actually acheiving them has been very difficult for me. I am AGGRESSIVLY (i use this word a lot for a reason) thinking about these things, working in my workbook, and listening to my Louise Hay cd. I practice the skills I am learning all day long. But the work I am doing is completely worth it. I mean I saw a beautiful purple flower I've never seen before today! Who knows how many other beautiful things I'll see in the future!