DiStOrTeD REALITY

So this week I want to talk about a problem that kind of rules my life a lot of the time. Its my ability to distort reality. My ability to take a problem or situation and change it and truly beleive it. Its a scary thought right? The idea that things aren't really what they seem. Well it happens to lots of people, myself included.

I was talking with my therapist (re -occuring theme much?hehe) and I was telling him about some things that had happened in my life. I told him a story about someone I cared deeply for dropping me like a rock and not caring about me anymore and ruining my self worth. I told him how much I wanted to go back to the times when I was really happy. When I was loved. When I mattered to someone. Then a huge realization moment happened for me. That story I told him was completely false. What really happened wasn't like that at all. I had created it.

My thereapist proceeded to talk me through some steps in my "thought record." I told him the event and how my body really reacted to its. The physical sensations first. I told him I have adreneline, head rushes, stomach cramps, head aches, dizzyness. Then the thoughts that went through my head. I am NOT good enough, i am NOT worth it, I am NOT good looking, i am going to be lonely FOREVER. Then how much I beleived them. 100%. Then he asked me to recognize what REALLY happened. A very close friend was HONEST with how they felt about me and their relationship with me. How should I have felt about that event? content that the situation was honest and heartfelt, UNDERSTANDING that it was no ones fault but that things don't always work out the way we want them to. What is an appropriate way to feel about that? SAD, and dissapointed.

Now throughout that entire session I relived the experience i had. my anxiety levels were very very high and i wanted to run out of the room. But after we got through talking out how my body reacted and how i distorted my reality then RECOGNIZED ACTUAL REALITY my anxiety levels dropped to about 20%.

Its funny how I create a lot of my problems. My brain tells me i'm worthless and ugly, and my body reacts the same way someone should react to a death in the family over something very ordinary. ONCE AGAIN i know not everyone is bipolar. But I know people, I watch people, and I know that people do this every day. Its easier to beleive things are worse than they actually are. Over reacting is theraputic in a really sick way way... but its not really healthy. Sometimes we can make ourselves feel more important by making our problems bigger. Or we can get more sympathy if our lives seem really hard. Sometimes its just the self satisfaction of knowing that we got through something "really painful" that makes us over react. And in some cases its out of our control how our bodies react to minor situations. I'm pretty sure every single one of those circumstances apply to me in one way or another. What I really have to do is learn to recognize when I'm distorting my reality and shift my view. A lot of the time using logic helps. Ask yourself how severe the situation really is, and how you SHOULD react to it. And strangly enough when you tell yourself how you should feel... your body listens. 

One Month Mark

I seriously can't beleive its been one month since I went into the hospital! But don't worry this post isn't about lingering on that day, its about the short month that followed that day.

My goal after all that happened was to gain self worth and to find out who I really am. Those goals ended up being much more difficult than I expected and I still have a long way to go. But this is what I've figured out thus far...

The first step in gaining self worth is loving yourself enough to LET YOURSELF truly experience life. For so long I ran away from what I was feeling. I refused to let myself REALLY feel for a very long time. When I was in the hospital and after I was discharged I was so busy telling everyone I was fine and playing the entertainer that I forgot to freak out about it. It wasn't until a few weeks later that my mind started grasping what acutally happened. When I started dealing with it I got really uncomfortalble and tried to put it out of thought for a while. Buteventually I couldn't run anymore.  I had a night where I let myself cry and feel all the regret and pain that I needed to. Actually I had a couple nights. And after that I felt an incredible weight lifted. Once I let myself feel the pain from that experience I was able to move past it quicker. Its like what I do to get through being bipolar. I let myself begin to experience the emotions that my brain chemicals tell my body to feel and then I channel those feelings toward something productive. I have to FEEL it not run. But i wasn't really doing that with life experiences. I shut off when bad things happen. I run scared. But by facing them head on and embracing them I can get through things quicker! So what does that have to do with loving myself? I was holding myself back from life. I have to love myself enough to let myself experience pain and in effect enjoy the happiness that comes from moving past it.  I have to let myself experience life to the fullest. Life experiences are what make us who we are, so by holding myself back I am missing out on the things that will shape who I really am. Which brings me to my next point!.....

I was thinking about who i REALLY am on and off through the month (mostly because i blogged about it so it was on my mind). And I was discussing it with some friends this past weekend saying that I really didn't know who was. Even after all these big life events happened, and I had started to learn to love myself for real.... I didn't REALLY know....and they (two truly amazing human beings) told me something that I will never forget. The explained to me that KNOWING WHO YOU ARE ISN'T NESSISARY. Life is about the journey! Its about life experience molding you and shaping you. Its learning new things about what you beleive and what you are capable of! So if I know who I am completely... where do I have to go from there? What is the point of life if I'm not learning, changing, and growing? The thing that makes life beautiful is the idea that we get to continually progress and learn every day. So WHO I AM will change with each day and each new experience. ... Now you might be thinking... but if who you are changes every day what keeps you grounded?? MY NEW FOUND SELF ASSURANCE! (see how it all ties together nice?) No matter what life throws at me, or how much my beleifs and ideas change, I will always have the foundation that I love me no matter what.

So my goal has changed. I will no longer search for who I am. I will love myself by living life to the fullest and letting those experiences shape me. So... I don't know who I am.... but that is what makes life exciting and beautiful.

ADMIRABLE?

Recently I received a message from an old aquaintance who said that he had previously looked up to me, but had lost all respect for me lately. He felt that I had changed completely and that he wanted to be the opposite of what I had become, despite the fact that he used to want to be just like me. Now when I first got this message I was a mess. At first I got mad and sent my usual catty text back to make myself feel powerful, but then I felt incredibly guilty and wanted nothing more than to figure out what I could have done to make this person hate me so much, and how I could change and apolgize. Unfortunately I had just come down from a four day manic period that day, so getting that message triggered a fairly severe few days of depression and self loathing. It wasn't until I saw my therapist the following week that I figured out something amazing!

I told my therapist that little story and how it had affected me and he asked me "does this person know you very well?" and I told him no. He then proceeded to make me feel better by telling me that I shouldn't be hurt by ignorant people who don't know me. Then I started talking about why I don't deserve to be looked down on.. and I realized something almost profound... the people that I admire most ARE NOT perfect. The most AMAZING people I know are completely messed up. I'm talking metnal disorders, familiy problems, physical disabilities, deaths in the family, drug addicts, etc. They have PROBLEMS!  Worse than mine by far! They make mistakes, sometimes they even say bad words (GASP) but the thing that makes me want to be like them is their ability to work through the shit in their lives. They still function despite all their problems, and not just FUNCTION but ENJOY LIFE. They are people who despite their problems, still have time to care for other people, and still love themselves despite their setbacks. Forget about talent, good looks, charm, perfect grades, perfect church attendance blah blah blah. I would rather be like the man who openly admits that he was a heroin addict and is trying to not go back to prison becuase he LOVES his life partner too much to leave him, than a man who lives his life trying to keep up a facade of perfection.

 I look up to people that can admit that their wrong when they're wrong, but stand up for themselves when it is nessisary. So this time i'm not going to follow my usual rout of apologizing and putting blame on myself to make everyone like me better, I'm defending the fact that I am, for the first time in my life, beginning to like myself. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want over the past few months, so yes, a few things about me are different. But here's what isn't different : I still love people, i love helping people, I'm a good friend, I work hard at what I love, and I work through my problems and don't throw them on other people. So the people that throw all those traits aside and still think I'm a bad person becuase I don't go to church every sunday and say bad words sometimes aren't worth getting depressed over. I love me. And THAT is the most admirable trait a person can have.

Self Worth

So I'm still on the path to SELF WORTH. And tonight I realized how far I have to go. The story itself is too personal for the internet, and really isn't that cool anway, but all you need to know is I got a friendly reminder that I have no idea how to not let people affect me.
The one thing I have learned this past week is that I need to stop thinking "i don't need to be needed, I don't need to be loved" because EVERYONE feels that. Its normal. The most amazing feeling in the world is knowing that you are important to somebody. MY problem was I thought it had to be something bigger that it actually does. I have a HUGE support group that not only loves me but NEEDS me. I have friends that love me enough to distract me from my problems by making me dress up like a white trash hick and have a dance party at my freaking apartment! If thats not love I don't know what is! And I am lucky enough to be the peroson that some people confide their problems in. THAT my friends is the most beautiful way to feel needed.
So my conclusion is: When you think you are alone, chances are you are not. Just look at your facebook wall and see how many people WANT to communicate with you. Call a friend that really listens and understand that that is LOVE. And the next time someone texts or calls and tells you about their bad day, recognize that that is more than just love it is being needed. And even if it doesn't make you feel better immediately it is definately enough to keep you from swallowing a truckload of pills! hehe (I'm gonna start joking about it just laugh and pretend you're not uncomfrotable). :)

A FINE FINE LINE

So I have been thinking lately about that little motto I love by of "NO SECRETS EVER" and I realized that I don't really do it. I am open with the facts but not with my feelings. There are usually only two or three people that truly know how I feel because I don't like the idea of bringing other people down with me. So my little conflict for the week is : When does my self expression go from a healthy outlet to an obnoxious wight bringing people down?
I have always done my best to make sure that other people don't suffer because of my stupid illness. Its completely unnessisary. But lately doing that has made my life more painful. And I know people always say, "i'm so ready to listen" or "you could never irritate me with your feelings" but the truth is it would. People say that they don't think they would be bothered if I just acted exactly how I felt because they have never had to deal with it before. And I truly beleive they wouldn't be able to handle it. Its just too much. And I will never be comfortable putting that kind of pressure on anyone.

So what do I do? I get stuck in this people pleasing place where I can't express how I really feel. I can't tell people to get away from me when they irritate me. I can't tell people that I REALLY would rather not have a hug right now. It scares me. Should it? where does being honest become being impolite? I have no answer. If you do let me know. And when I figure it out I will most definately post about it!