One Month Mark

I seriously can't beleive its been one month since I went into the hospital! But don't worry this post isn't about lingering on that day, its about the short month that followed that day.

My goal after all that happened was to gain self worth and to find out who I really am. Those goals ended up being much more difficult than I expected and I still have a long way to go. But this is what I've figured out thus far...

The first step in gaining self worth is loving yourself enough to LET YOURSELF truly experience life. For so long I ran away from what I was feeling. I refused to let myself REALLY feel for a very long time. When I was in the hospital and after I was discharged I was so busy telling everyone I was fine and playing the entertainer that I forgot to freak out about it. It wasn't until a few weeks later that my mind started grasping what acutally happened. When I started dealing with it I got really uncomfortalble and tried to put it out of thought for a while. Buteventually I couldn't run anymore.  I had a night where I let myself cry and feel all the regret and pain that I needed to. Actually I had a couple nights. And after that I felt an incredible weight lifted. Once I let myself feel the pain from that experience I was able to move past it quicker. Its like what I do to get through being bipolar. I let myself begin to experience the emotions that my brain chemicals tell my body to feel and then I channel those feelings toward something productive. I have to FEEL it not run. But i wasn't really doing that with life experiences. I shut off when bad things happen. I run scared. But by facing them head on and embracing them I can get through things quicker! So what does that have to do with loving myself? I was holding myself back from life. I have to love myself enough to let myself experience pain and in effect enjoy the happiness that comes from moving past it.  I have to let myself experience life to the fullest. Life experiences are what make us who we are, so by holding myself back I am missing out on the things that will shape who I really am. Which brings me to my next point!.....

I was thinking about who i REALLY am on and off through the month (mostly because i blogged about it so it was on my mind). And I was discussing it with some friends this past weekend saying that I really didn't know who was. Even after all these big life events happened, and I had started to learn to love myself for real.... I didn't REALLY know....and they (two truly amazing human beings) told me something that I will never forget. The explained to me that KNOWING WHO YOU ARE ISN'T NESSISARY. Life is about the journey! Its about life experience molding you and shaping you. Its learning new things about what you beleive and what you are capable of! So if I know who I am completely... where do I have to go from there? What is the point of life if I'm not learning, changing, and growing? The thing that makes life beautiful is the idea that we get to continually progress and learn every day. So WHO I AM will change with each day and each new experience. ... Now you might be thinking... but if who you are changes every day what keeps you grounded?? MY NEW FOUND SELF ASSURANCE! (see how it all ties together nice?) No matter what life throws at me, or how much my beleifs and ideas change, I will always have the foundation that I love me no matter what.

So my goal has changed. I will no longer search for who I am. I will love myself by living life to the fullest and letting those experiences shape me. So... I don't know who I am.... but that is what makes life exciting and beautiful.