Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Sunday, October 24, 2010

DiStOrTeD REALITY

So this week I want to talk about a problem that kind of rules my life a lot of the time. Its my ability to distort reality. My ability to take a problem or situation and change it and truly beleive it. Its a scary thought right? The idea that things aren't really what they seem. Well it happens to lots of people, myself included.

I was talking with my therapist (re -occuring theme much?hehe) and I was telling him about some things that had happened in my life. I told him a story about someone I cared deeply for dropping me like a rock and not caring about me anymore and ruining my self worth. I told him how much I wanted to go back to the times when I was really happy. When I was loved. When I mattered to someone. Then a huge realization moment happened for me. That story I told him was completely false. What really happened wasn't like that at all. I had created it.

My thereapist proceeded to talk me through some steps in my "thought record." I told him the event and how my body really reacted to its. The physical sensations first. I told him I have adreneline, head rushes, stomach cramps, head aches, dizzyness. Then the thoughts that went through my head. I am NOT good enough, i am NOT worth it, I am NOT good looking, i am going to be lonely FOREVER. Then how much I beleived them. 100%. Then he asked me to recognize what REALLY happened. A very close friend was HONEST with how they felt about me and their relationship with me. How should I have felt about that event? content that the situation was honest and heartfelt, UNDERSTANDING that it was no ones fault but that things don't always work out the way we want them to. What is an appropriate way to feel about that? SAD, and dissapointed.

Now throughout that entire session I relived the experience i had. my anxiety levels were very very high and i wanted to run out of the room. But after we got through talking out how my body reacted and how i distorted my reality then RECOGNIZED ACTUAL REALITY my anxiety levels dropped to about 20%.

Its funny how I create a lot of my problems. My brain tells me i'm worthless and ugly, and my body reacts the same way someone should react to a death in the family over something very ordinary. ONCE AGAIN i know not everyone is bipolar. But I know people, I watch people, and I know that people do this every day. Its easier to beleive things are worse than they actually are. Over reacting is theraputic in a really sick way way... but its not really healthy. Sometimes we can make ourselves feel more important by making our problems bigger. Or we can get more sympathy if our lives seem really hard. Sometimes its just the self satisfaction of knowing that we got through something "really painful" that makes us over react. And in some cases its out of our control how our bodies react to minor situations. I'm pretty sure every single one of those circumstances apply to me in one way or another. What I really have to do is learn to recognize when I'm distorting my reality and shift my view. A lot of the time using logic helps. Ask yourself how severe the situation really is, and how you SHOULD react to it. And strangly enough when you tell yourself how you should feel... your body listens. 

6 comments:

Suzie said...

I found you through my sons blog. I don't know how he found you but I'm glad he did. On his blog he writes poems about mental illness and I write from a mother's view what it is like to have son w/mental illness. It will be interesting to read your blog. Thanks for sharing!

Liz Hullinger said...

Jaron... you are my therapy. Thank you! :)

Kayleigh said...

insightful. :) actually, something that i needed to ponder right at this very moment. thank you jaron!!

The PeƱas said...

I'm so happy you put your blog link on facebook. I have been so concerned for you over the past month. You have really shared some intimate feelings and I am so impressed. I read all of your posts and have come away really inspired. The difficulties you have faced for some time are very real and you are learning some valuable lessons. I think it is theaputic to share them. You are a great young man with some wonderful talents. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I love you. You are so lucky to have such a great family! I just love your mom to peices! Stay strong and even when you can't, know that there are so many people who want to help you back up. Enjoy and journey! Lots of love, Rebecca Pena

Holly said...

I agree that many deal with distorted reality at some time or another. My mother totally recreates history. LOL!

I find that when I'm in a stressful situation, or anticipate one ahead... I tend to blow things a little out of proportion. I can recognize that AFTER the fact... but when I'm in the middle of it, I'm drowning in it.

It's good that you got the tools to recognize, backtrack and review. ;D

Jordy said...

A mutual friend of ours recommended your blog, as I've been dealing with some mental illness of my own.
Thank you for being so willing to share your personal feelings and thoughts in this way. It's truly a help for me to know I am not the only one experiencing what I am experiencing. It also doesn't hurt to be reminded that life is very much worth living.
Thank you.