I have seen a lot of different therapists over the past year. Every time things get bad, or I feel down I realize that I need to talk to a professional. But in one year I have never stayed with a therapist for more than a month. I've been doing this all wrong. I realized today (thanks to an episode of greys anatomy...don't judge me) that going to a therapist isn't about getting better. Its not about finding happiness. Its about learning to deal with my circumstances, and that process is longer than four weeks. I stopped taking medication and I stopped seeing a therapist because things started going well for me. All of the sudden I didn't need help anymore because I was happy. Sometimes I guess I forget that I'm bipolar because the high never lasts for more than a week or two. I'm realizing that I'm really never going to GET BETTER. Thats all I've wanted for the past year. Somehow I had it in my head that I would find a pill that made me feel normal, or talked things out with a therapist and suddenly something would click and I could be just like everyone else. Well no I'm pleased to say that my search for a cure is over.
I need medication so that my best friend doesn't have to call me three times every morning to get me out of bed. I need medication so that my friends don't have to dread the weeks of depression and pray that I wake up manic so that they can laugh and enjoy life with me. I need medication so that when I'm manic I don't sleep in a graveyard or make friends with homeless people just to do something crazy. I don't need a cure for my problems. There is no such thing. But I do need medicine so that I can get my education and have friends, and family, and hopefully some day a meaningful relationship.
I need therapy to talk about my attatchment issues. I need a therapist so my poor mother doesn't have to worry that I don't have someone to help me when I need it. I need a therapist to help me learn to let go of my past. I need a therapist so that my friends don't have to be therapists.
This past weekend I auditioned for the Boston Conservatory. I was accpeted last year but couldn't afford to go so I auditioned again hoping that something will work out this time. Its been my dream since I was in 8th grade to go there. Being accepted last year was one of the happiest days of my life. And being there for the past few days was an incredible experience. I met amazingly talented and beautiful people. If I am accepted to that school I have to be ready to handle the experience of being accross the country from my family... and my mommy. I have to be ready to deal with a very heavy class/stress load. I have to be ready to be a professional. And even if I stay in salt lake for the next few years I still need help to be ready for life in the real world.
Its hard for me to admit things like this. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love being in control. Strong. Indipendent. The only reason I went to therapy before was so I could OVERCOME something. To beat my illness and be a winner. This time I'm getting help for real. I am putting my pride aside because I deserve better. My family deserves better. My friends deserve better. I won't be cured from my illness...but I will be better.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
i like to play in the dirt sometimes
Tonight I drove to the top of the Avenues. I parked my car on the side of a hill, walked out into the dirt and looked out at the glowing lights of the city. Its one of the most beautiful places that I have found in the whole valley. As I stood there I kept trying to force myself to come up with some profoud thought as to how looking out at the city made me feel so small...yet at peace... or something. But nothing was coming. All I could think about was "its cold, my expensive shoes are muddy, I can't sit down because these are nice jeans and i wanted to wear them tomorrow, and this hot chocolate I bought isn't very good." I started driving back downt the hill toward home....And then it hit me. When did I become this person? When did I become the guy that is too wrapped up in his own life to notice the beauty around him? When I was a kid it was a good day when I came home with grass stains on my jeans. I would be outside for as long as possible and cry when I had to come inside and take a shower. I would literally take my dinner and eat it outside by myself just so I wouldn't have to be cooped up in the house. And now I spend more time in practice rooms than I do outside. I didn't leave my apartment until 10:00 at night by choice. So I turned around. I went back out into the muddy field and sat on a mound of dirt. I sat and just looked. I didn't look for meaning, or for a metaphore, I just looked at the pretty lights. But I still wasn't satisfied. So I found a park nearby and sat on the swings. I went as high as I could and jumped off. Then I ran up a hill near the top of the park just to see what the view was like from the top, and then ran back down.
Some people might call this a "manic episode" but I call it an awakening. I have talked myself into beleiving that I care more about expensive clothes and fancy resturants than experiencing life. I don't really know when it happened. But somewhere along the way I changed to fit in to my stereotype better. The truth is I love camping. I love walking outside. I love swimming. I am not afraid of cold water. I like the smell of the inside of a tent. I love waking up to the sun rather than an alarm clock. I think food tastes better in the woods than in a resturant.I convinced myself that these things weren't true in an effort to seperate myself from other men and fit in with the girls better. But my new goal is to allow myself to experience the things I love without holding myself back. I want to remember what it feels like to not care if I have a grass stain on my jeans. I want to remember why I loved to take my dinner out and sit in the yard alone.
Don't get me wrong.....I still like expensive clothes. I still love fancy food. I really do love to stay in with a wine glass full of milk and watch sex in the city. I just don't want to be limited to that anymore. I want to experience more. And anyone who knows me knows that I get what I want. so dont worry... it will happen :)
Some people might call this a "manic episode" but I call it an awakening. I have talked myself into beleiving that I care more about expensive clothes and fancy resturants than experiencing life. I don't really know when it happened. But somewhere along the way I changed to fit in to my stereotype better. The truth is I love camping. I love walking outside. I love swimming. I am not afraid of cold water. I like the smell of the inside of a tent. I love waking up to the sun rather than an alarm clock. I think food tastes better in the woods than in a resturant.I convinced myself that these things weren't true in an effort to seperate myself from other men and fit in with the girls better. But my new goal is to allow myself to experience the things I love without holding myself back. I want to remember what it feels like to not care if I have a grass stain on my jeans. I want to remember why I loved to take my dinner out and sit in the yard alone.
Don't get me wrong.....I still like expensive clothes. I still love fancy food. I really do love to stay in with a wine glass full of milk and watch sex in the city. I just don't want to be limited to that anymore. I want to experience more. And anyone who knows me knows that I get what I want. so dont worry... it will happen :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Getting out of my box.
"Whats in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
We as human beings are lable makers. We are taught from a young age to categorize and lable. Laundry: whites and darks. Food: breakfast lunch dinner. People: strangers, friends. Friends: best friend, other friends. And as we grow we expound on this. High School: Jocks, Nerds, preps, cheerleaders, goths, drama geeks, band kids, officers, smart kids, debate kids, cowboy kids. People: rich, poor, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, nice, mean...etc. We put lables on things. And its pretty clear which ones are right and which ones are wrong. We know classifying someone as a "nerd" is not correct, we do it anyway, but its not right none the less. But what about the lables we create for ourselves? What about the boxes we put ourselves in? The lines we draw in the sand for ourselves that we never cross?
I have been realizing for the past little while that I created boundaries for myself without realizing it. I classified myself so specifically that there was not possible way for escape. I boxed myself in with lables. Bipolar. Homosexual. Singer. Actor. Dancer. Obsesser. Sassy bitch. Etc. Never in a million years did I think these things would trap me... but lately... i've felt trapped. I feel like its imposible for me to change or grow because I have me pinned as "the guy with a mental disorder" or "that singer guy" or "sassy gay friend." So from today I am finished trying to define who I am. Because once I define it I slap a big lable on my forhead and put myself in a box. Maybe someday I'll fall in love with a woman... not likely but you never know. Maybe someday I won't have to worry about being mildly bipolar. Maybe someday I'll get in an accident and lose my ablilty to perform. All those things are possible for me because I am ripping off my lables.
I understand that other people are going to lable me. I'm ok with that. Those lables don't restrict me. Its the ones I put on myself that keep me from reaching my full potential as a human being. So what am I? I'm a person. I love singing, acting, dancing. But I'm not A PERFORMER. I like boys. I'm not a HOMO. I am a good listener, I'm not A THERAPIST. I like to sit at home and watch sex in the city with a bucket of chicken on occasion, but im' not A SLOB.
Why is this important? Because now my possibilities are endless. I can move in any direction. I can truly live in the moment. I can take advantage of LIFE. So really, what IS in a name? For me, its a little trap that holds me back. Keeps me from moving forward and making new discoveries.
In William Shakespeares classic "Romeo and Juliet" the thing that keeps the "star crossed lovers" from happiness is a name. A lable. "Tis but thy name that is mine enemy." Were it not for a simple lable they could have lived full and happy lives. And I let this happen to me. For example, I let my lable of "gay performer" keep me from trying new things. Who knows if I really hate all sports!? I never really tried them all because I let a lable define what I liked. I let my lable of "bipolar" give me an excuse to hide from the world and ignore friends when I felt depressed. And that is NOT acceptable to me.
So my new goal is to not let my name be my enemy. I am going to stop searching for things that DEFINE me and start experencing things without holding back.
We as human beings are lable makers. We are taught from a young age to categorize and lable. Laundry: whites and darks. Food: breakfast lunch dinner. People: strangers, friends. Friends: best friend, other friends. And as we grow we expound on this. High School: Jocks, Nerds, preps, cheerleaders, goths, drama geeks, band kids, officers, smart kids, debate kids, cowboy kids. People: rich, poor, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, nice, mean...etc. We put lables on things. And its pretty clear which ones are right and which ones are wrong. We know classifying someone as a "nerd" is not correct, we do it anyway, but its not right none the less. But what about the lables we create for ourselves? What about the boxes we put ourselves in? The lines we draw in the sand for ourselves that we never cross?
I have been realizing for the past little while that I created boundaries for myself without realizing it. I classified myself so specifically that there was not possible way for escape. I boxed myself in with lables. Bipolar. Homosexual. Singer. Actor. Dancer. Obsesser. Sassy bitch. Etc. Never in a million years did I think these things would trap me... but lately... i've felt trapped. I feel like its imposible for me to change or grow because I have me pinned as "the guy with a mental disorder" or "that singer guy" or "sassy gay friend." So from today I am finished trying to define who I am. Because once I define it I slap a big lable on my forhead and put myself in a box. Maybe someday I'll fall in love with a woman... not likely but you never know. Maybe someday I won't have to worry about being mildly bipolar. Maybe someday I'll get in an accident and lose my ablilty to perform. All those things are possible for me because I am ripping off my lables.
I understand that other people are going to lable me. I'm ok with that. Those lables don't restrict me. Its the ones I put on myself that keep me from reaching my full potential as a human being. So what am I? I'm a person. I love singing, acting, dancing. But I'm not A PERFORMER. I like boys. I'm not a HOMO. I am a good listener, I'm not A THERAPIST. I like to sit at home and watch sex in the city with a bucket of chicken on occasion, but im' not A SLOB.
Why is this important? Because now my possibilities are endless. I can move in any direction. I can truly live in the moment. I can take advantage of LIFE. So really, what IS in a name? For me, its a little trap that holds me back. Keeps me from moving forward and making new discoveries.
In William Shakespeares classic "Romeo and Juliet" the thing that keeps the "star crossed lovers" from happiness is a name. A lable. "Tis but thy name that is mine enemy." Were it not for a simple lable they could have lived full and happy lives. And I let this happen to me. For example, I let my lable of "gay performer" keep me from trying new things. Who knows if I really hate all sports!? I never really tried them all because I let a lable define what I liked. I let my lable of "bipolar" give me an excuse to hide from the world and ignore friends when I felt depressed. And that is NOT acceptable to me.
So my new goal is to not let my name be my enemy. I am going to stop searching for things that DEFINE me and start experencing things without holding back.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
2010 is almost over. I recall writing a new years blog last year and saying something like... 2009 has been the hardest year of my life. And I am tempted to say that again, but I am going to keep myself from having that kind of look on my year. Yeah a lot of bad things happened in 2010 but I don't want to look back on this year as the year of difficult decisions, lonliness, suicide, and confusion. I want to look back on 2010 as the year I learned how to be myself. The year I let go of my secrets. The year I started LIVING.
A wise man once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I feel the same way about regret. So my new year goals are going to be my attempt at moving my regret and guilt in a positive directioin. Instead of saying "I wish I hadn't" in 2010, I am going to say "I can't wait to" in 2011.
I can't wait to:
Have so much self confidence that I don't feel worthless when someone doesn't like me.
Release the need to be in a relationship and live.
Kick my face.
Have a six pack because I want it. Not to please everyone else.
One of my more serious goals has developed out of something I heard a lot this year from family and friends. When I hear about people describing me the first thing (and occasionally the only thing) they say is "he is really talented." Maybe its hard for people to understand.. but that hurts a lot. There is so much more to me than my singing voice. My profession needs to be what I do not who I am. So my goal for 2011 is to have people's first thought of me be something different. I want to be thought of as kind, friendly, open minded, and approachable. So I have to start learing how to be those things!! "This is my friend Jaron, he is really sweet.... oh and he's a pretty good singer too."
I have started a new book. Its called EAT PRAY LOVE. I know I am sooo lame becase I didn't start reading it until I saw the movie but I'm obsessed with it. So obsessed in fact, that I am basing one of my new years resolutions on it. At one point in the book the main character is living in italy and has made it a goal to figure out what her WORD is. Her first instinct is to say her word is "writer", but her friend tells her that WRITER is what she does not who she is. And as I thought about it I realized that if someone asked me what my "word" was I would probably say PERFORMER. But like I said before I don't want my profession to define who I am inside. So this year I will find my word.
The classic new years tune "Auld Lang Syne" is translated in english to mean "long long ago." When I think Long Long Ago on new years past I remember striving to make big changes in my life and beating myself up when I failed to finish them. So this year my resolutions are not just for 2011, they are for forever. So hoepfully many years from now when I think back, long long ago, I will remeber 2011 as the year I began my quest to becoming the exact person I want to be.
A wise man once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I feel the same way about regret. So my new year goals are going to be my attempt at moving my regret and guilt in a positive directioin. Instead of saying "I wish I hadn't" in 2010, I am going to say "I can't wait to" in 2011.
I can't wait to:
Have so much self confidence that I don't feel worthless when someone doesn't like me.
Release the need to be in a relationship and live.
Kick my face.
Have a six pack because I want it. Not to please everyone else.
One of my more serious goals has developed out of something I heard a lot this year from family and friends. When I hear about people describing me the first thing (and occasionally the only thing) they say is "he is really talented." Maybe its hard for people to understand.. but that hurts a lot. There is so much more to me than my singing voice. My profession needs to be what I do not who I am. So my goal for 2011 is to have people's first thought of me be something different. I want to be thought of as kind, friendly, open minded, and approachable. So I have to start learing how to be those things!! "This is my friend Jaron, he is really sweet.... oh and he's a pretty good singer too."
I have started a new book. Its called EAT PRAY LOVE. I know I am sooo lame becase I didn't start reading it until I saw the movie but I'm obsessed with it. So obsessed in fact, that I am basing one of my new years resolutions on it. At one point in the book the main character is living in italy and has made it a goal to figure out what her WORD is. Her first instinct is to say her word is "writer", but her friend tells her that WRITER is what she does not who she is. And as I thought about it I realized that if someone asked me what my "word" was I would probably say PERFORMER. But like I said before I don't want my profession to define who I am inside. So this year I will find my word.
The classic new years tune "Auld Lang Syne" is translated in english to mean "long long ago." When I think Long Long Ago on new years past I remember striving to make big changes in my life and beating myself up when I failed to finish them. So this year my resolutions are not just for 2011, they are for forever. So hoepfully many years from now when I think back, long long ago, I will remeber 2011 as the year I began my quest to becoming the exact person I want to be.
Monday, December 13, 2010
One semester down... who knows how many left to go.
This past semester here at the U has possibly been the hardest yet best few months of my life. I have learned so much about myself in so little time, I'm almost nervous to see what life has in store for me for the next few months. I have made new friends, obsessions, sleeping habbits, taken risks, spent a night in the hospital, spilled my secrets, let my trues self shine, slept in a grave yard, made friends with homless people, helped friends, laughed my ass off, practiced until my fleet nearly bled, learned what it means to really be an actor, figured out how to be more down to earth, realized I'm more messed up than I thought, and most importantly learned to love myself INCLUDING my flaws. So here is what I have taken away from one semester at the U.
-SECRETS are always destructive. I have been amazed by what being open with people has done for me. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin, and I know its because I have FINALLY after 19 years let people know who I really am. I don't live in fear that someone will discover my secrets anymore... because I don't have any anymore.
-You can NEVER have too many best friends. I have never in my life had so many people that care about me. TRULY care. I have met the most amazing people here in Salt Lake. Plus I still get to keep the most amazing provo/davis county friends I already had :) I'm so blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me. I can honestly say that I would not be alive today were it not for the friends that I have. There have been so many times when my life seemed worthless... but then I get a text from Jessa, or a funny picture from karli or alex, or a voicemail from michael that says i miss you, or a pictre of david bowie from taryn and everything is ok. I have a huge group of beautiful loving people in my life and I am so grateful for that.
-People are always watching. People notice when you screw up... but sometimes getting yourself back up on your feet after you fall is even more admiralbe than being perfect.
-when i pull up my passe' higher i can get a tripple on my right side :)
- "openness to failure breeds the possiblilty of success" -Sarah Shippabothom
-post secret is the most beautiful collection of art I have ever seen
-There is nothing that can cure depression better than a wine glass full of 1% milk and a few episodes of Sex in the City.
- "art is everywhere" -Olivia Vessel
- I perform because I love it. Not because I'm good at it.
- Its so easy to alter yourself to please other people. And you can make people care about you very quickly that way. But it will never bring you the fullfillment that comes from being loved for who you truly are.
- Heartbreak is nessisary. Without it I would have never realized that I didn't have self worth.
-Self worth is something I will search for my entire life. But it is the process of searching for it that makes life beautifl and exciting.
-I hold grudges. I gotta fix that.
-I prefer hot chocolate to coffee even though its not as sophistocated.
-Blizzards are great times for walking through graveyards.
-My mental illness doesn't restrict me. It makes my life more meaningful. Feeling things strongly doesn't make me a freak. It makes me an artist.
-I don't need anyones approval to be happy. I MATTER. The best decisions I have ever made are the ones where people thought I was stupid for taking a risk.
- I will learn to love myself. It might take my entire life. But I am patient.
-SECRETS are always destructive. I have been amazed by what being open with people has done for me. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin, and I know its because I have FINALLY after 19 years let people know who I really am. I don't live in fear that someone will discover my secrets anymore... because I don't have any anymore.
-You can NEVER have too many best friends. I have never in my life had so many people that care about me. TRULY care. I have met the most amazing people here in Salt Lake. Plus I still get to keep the most amazing provo/davis county friends I already had :) I'm so blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me. I can honestly say that I would not be alive today were it not for the friends that I have. There have been so many times when my life seemed worthless... but then I get a text from Jessa, or a funny picture from karli or alex, or a voicemail from michael that says i miss you, or a pictre of david bowie from taryn and everything is ok. I have a huge group of beautiful loving people in my life and I am so grateful for that.
-People are always watching. People notice when you screw up... but sometimes getting yourself back up on your feet after you fall is even more admiralbe than being perfect.
-when i pull up my passe' higher i can get a tripple on my right side :)
- "openness to failure breeds the possiblilty of success" -Sarah Shippabothom
-post secret is the most beautiful collection of art I have ever seen
-There is nothing that can cure depression better than a wine glass full of 1% milk and a few episodes of Sex in the City.
- "art is everywhere" -Olivia Vessel
- I perform because I love it. Not because I'm good at it.
- Its so easy to alter yourself to please other people. And you can make people care about you very quickly that way. But it will never bring you the fullfillment that comes from being loved for who you truly are.
- Heartbreak is nessisary. Without it I would have never realized that I didn't have self worth.
-Self worth is something I will search for my entire life. But it is the process of searching for it that makes life beautifl and exciting.
-I hold grudges. I gotta fix that.
-I prefer hot chocolate to coffee even though its not as sophistocated.
-Blizzards are great times for walking through graveyards.
-My mental illness doesn't restrict me. It makes my life more meaningful. Feeling things strongly doesn't make me a freak. It makes me an artist.
-I don't need anyones approval to be happy. I MATTER. The best decisions I have ever made are the ones where people thought I was stupid for taking a risk.
- I will learn to love myself. It might take my entire life. But I am patient.
Monday, December 6, 2010
VALIDATION
This week is the theatre departments finals week, and today I had a final for my acting class. I was terrified but excited to show everyone what I had learned so far this semester. A lot of upper classman were there, and I was ready to show these people that I have become a much stronger actor than I have ever been before. I was really happy with my performances, and there are very few things that I would have done differently. But after the whole final was over I felt very empty. Hollow. It was like I was reaching for something but there was nothing there. And the emptiness later turned into pretty solid depression.
I watched the upperclassman perform their peices and, as always, was in awe of their brilliance. Afterwards I was telling some of my friends how great they did...... and thats when I realized what was wrong. I had absolutely no REAL satisfaction with my performance because I didn't feel validated. No one had come up to me and told me I was brillinat, or that they were surprised by my performance, or even that I had potential. All I got was "good job" or "good work" in passing from a few people which we all know is always just something nice people say. Which is FINE... I mean i shouldn't need that validation.....but why did it hurt so much?? I had all these expectations for myself. I expected that everyone would be shocked that the nerdy skinny boy would be able to act. I expected people to cry because I gave a performance that was very near and dear to my heart. I expected people to be moved. And as far as I'm aware none of those things happened.
As I was walking to my car from the Performing Arts Building I started thinking about how sad it is that I need validation so badly that it affects my self worth. I felt genuinly awful and almost abandoned. WHY? I mean, after all, have come so far in this short semester. I have learned so many things and I know that I did the best I possibly could. Why do those things matter more when someone else is saying it? And then I started thinking about all the other ways I look for validation in life. The way I dress, the way I act, the way I make sure I'm friends with everyone, and the way I do EVERYTHING I do to please my audience and my professors. The way I tell people I'm fine when I'm not. The way I write my blog so everyone thinks I'm wise. The way I make sure I have lots of pictures on facebook so that everyone will think that I have an amazing social life. The way I die inside everytime I hear people tell me that they are dissapointed in me for leaving BYU. The way my heart drops when my blog has "0 comments" written on the bottom of a post I've had up for a week. The way my day is ruined when I have "0 text messages" at the end of a long day of school. And the way I feel abandoned when I have "0 notifications" on my facebook page. ITS GROSS!!!
Why is it that the only thing that makes me feel ok is when someone validates me? When somone tells me I look great. When someone says they like my jacket. When someone tells me they are proud of me. When someone says I'm cute, talented, funny, kind, a good friend. When someone writes on my facebook wall. When someone texts me just for fun. When someone reads my blog and leaves a comment. WHY does that instantly make my life better... and worth living?
The most amazing choices I have made are ones that everyone else thought was crazy. First of all choosing performing as a career. And most recently leaving BYU for the U. Those decisions have made me happier than any kind of approval every could. I realized while walking back to my car that having other people validate me is only a temporary high. Doing things for myself is what has changed my life. I have truly never had the independence and sense of stability that I have now. I amazing friends, I love school, I love the work I'm doing, I love the people I have met, and I love the skills I have aquired. So who cares about all the bull shit compliments inbetween??
Today a girl name Olivia gave a beautifiul reading of Robert Frosts, "The road not taken." I know everyone knows it, but its still one of my favorite poems. I realized while thinking back on that poem today that I myself have quite often taken the road less travled. And the experiences that I have had WITHOUT validation are always the ones that have "made all the difference."
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
I watched the upperclassman perform their peices and, as always, was in awe of their brilliance. Afterwards I was telling some of my friends how great they did...... and thats when I realized what was wrong. I had absolutely no REAL satisfaction with my performance because I didn't feel validated. No one had come up to me and told me I was brillinat, or that they were surprised by my performance, or even that I had potential. All I got was "good job" or "good work" in passing from a few people which we all know is always just something nice people say. Which is FINE... I mean i shouldn't need that validation.....but why did it hurt so much?? I had all these expectations for myself. I expected that everyone would be shocked that the nerdy skinny boy would be able to act. I expected people to cry because I gave a performance that was very near and dear to my heart. I expected people to be moved. And as far as I'm aware none of those things happened.
As I was walking to my car from the Performing Arts Building I started thinking about how sad it is that I need validation so badly that it affects my self worth. I felt genuinly awful and almost abandoned. WHY? I mean, after all, have come so far in this short semester. I have learned so many things and I know that I did the best I possibly could. Why do those things matter more when someone else is saying it? And then I started thinking about all the other ways I look for validation in life. The way I dress, the way I act, the way I make sure I'm friends with everyone, and the way I do EVERYTHING I do to please my audience and my professors. The way I tell people I'm fine when I'm not. The way I write my blog so everyone thinks I'm wise. The way I make sure I have lots of pictures on facebook so that everyone will think that I have an amazing social life. The way I die inside everytime I hear people tell me that they are dissapointed in me for leaving BYU. The way my heart drops when my blog has "0 comments" written on the bottom of a post I've had up for a week. The way my day is ruined when I have "0 text messages" at the end of a long day of school. And the way I feel abandoned when I have "0 notifications" on my facebook page. ITS GROSS!!!
Why is it that the only thing that makes me feel ok is when someone validates me? When somone tells me I look great. When someone says they like my jacket. When someone tells me they are proud of me. When someone says I'm cute, talented, funny, kind, a good friend. When someone writes on my facebook wall. When someone texts me just for fun. When someone reads my blog and leaves a comment. WHY does that instantly make my life better... and worth living?
The most amazing choices I have made are ones that everyone else thought was crazy. First of all choosing performing as a career. And most recently leaving BYU for the U. Those decisions have made me happier than any kind of approval every could. I realized while walking back to my car that having other people validate me is only a temporary high. Doing things for myself is what has changed my life. I have truly never had the independence and sense of stability that I have now. I amazing friends, I love school, I love the work I'm doing, I love the people I have met, and I love the skills I have aquired. So who cares about all the bull shit compliments inbetween??
Today a girl name Olivia gave a beautifiul reading of Robert Frosts, "The road not taken." I know everyone knows it, but its still one of my favorite poems. I realized while thinking back on that poem today that I myself have quite often taken the road less travled. And the experiences that I have had WITHOUT validation are always the ones that have "made all the difference."
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
Sunday, November 28, 2010
greatful
I started this thanksgiving break very depressed. I usually get that way when big events happen, I don't know why but holidays and birthdays always seem to be the hardest for me. So getting into the thanksgiving feel was hard for me. I was bitter and depressed so finding something to be GREATFUL for was irritating and impossible. I couldn't stop thinking about all the bad shit that happened over the past few months. How i feel like I'm getting worse. How I feel lonely. How I still can't sleep ever since my september 19th incident. But strangely enough going through my facebook profile was a HUGE reality check for me. I started looking through all my pictures. Seeing my friends and the amazing experiences I've had over the past three months made me realize that I'm greatful. I'm greatful that I'm alive.
I started thinking about the fact that I could very easily not be here today. I mean three months ago I was almost deat. Its a miracle that I'm here as a matter of fact. And knowing how simply life can be taken away made me realize how glad I am that I have it. Even when it sucks. Even when it hurts. Those moments betwen where I love life get me throuh. The times when I laugh till I cry with Karli and Alex. Or have a girls night in with Michael or Jessa. Those days where I dance until I am sore for days, and sing until I can barely speak. The days when I perform and live my life to the fullest. Its days like those that make crying at night, walking through graveyards, and staying up all night in cold sweat seem ok. Because I still have so much to live for. There is so much life out there and I am so GREATFUL that i'm here to live it.
I started thinking about the fact that I could very easily not be here today. I mean three months ago I was almost deat. Its a miracle that I'm here as a matter of fact. And knowing how simply life can be taken away made me realize how glad I am that I have it. Even when it sucks. Even when it hurts. Those moments betwen where I love life get me throuh. The times when I laugh till I cry with Karli and Alex. Or have a girls night in with Michael or Jessa. Those days where I dance until I am sore for days, and sing until I can barely speak. The days when I perform and live my life to the fullest. Its days like those that make crying at night, walking through graveyards, and staying up all night in cold sweat seem ok. Because I still have so much to live for. There is so much life out there and I am so GREATFUL that i'm here to live it.
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