I started this thanksgiving break very depressed. I usually get that way when big events happen, I don't know why but holidays and birthdays always seem to be the hardest for me. So getting into the thanksgiving feel was hard for me. I was bitter and depressed so finding something to be GREATFUL for was irritating and impossible. I couldn't stop thinking about all the bad shit that happened over the past few months. How i feel like I'm getting worse. How I feel lonely. How I still can't sleep ever since my september 19th incident. But strangely enough going through my facebook profile was a HUGE reality check for me. I started looking through all my pictures. Seeing my friends and the amazing experiences I've had over the past three months made me realize that I'm greatful. I'm greatful that I'm alive.
I started thinking about the fact that I could very easily not be here today. I mean three months ago I was almost deat. Its a miracle that I'm here as a matter of fact. And knowing how simply life can be taken away made me realize how glad I am that I have it. Even when it sucks. Even when it hurts. Those moments betwen where I love life get me throuh. The times when I laugh till I cry with Karli and Alex. Or have a girls night in with Michael or Jessa. Those days where I dance until I am sore for days, and sing until I can barely speak. The days when I perform and live my life to the fullest. Its days like those that make crying at night, walking through graveyards, and staying up all night in cold sweat seem ok. Because I still have so much to live for. There is so much life out there and I am so GREATFUL that i'm here to live it.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My night with the baby blizzard
I love storms. I get really nervous excited when I hear things like THERE IS A BLIZZARD COMING! I love it. So naturally I was real excited today when they canceled classes for this "huge" storm. So I got real excited and prepared myself by spending a lot of money on junk food and christmas movies so that I could spend my night with friends staying warm while the scary storm came. Well it turns out that the storm wasn't that scary. So like I ususally do when I get really anxious with nothing to do... I went for a walk! Thats right I took a stroll right through the "biggest blizzard in 10 years." I decided to walk to my favorite thinking spot. The cemetary three blocks north of my house.
When I reached the cemetary I started to notice how quiet the streets were. There was no one around. The snow was falling lightly. No cars. Nothing. I made the first footprints in the freshly fallen snow along the pathways through the giant graveyard. The thing I love about walking through there is the amazing peace that comes from being in that place. I don't think they're creepy or scary. They're beautiful. In real life my head is constantly spinning with thoughts of anxiety or depressioin. But in that place there is a quiet peace that not even my head can interrupt. Being there puts things into perspective. This life is short. We all end up in the same place. A quiet peaceful field. And for some reason that thought makes me want to live the happy moments in life to the fullest, and remember that the bad ones are only a moment. I realized lots of things as I stood there. I miss out on the joys of life. I am focusing all of my energy into the fact that I feel lonely and like I will never be in a real relationship. I focus on all the things I have to get done. The papers to write, how behind I am, how much work I have to do in order to have a successful career.... I forget how to breath sometimes. I don't take in the beautiful things in life. And tonight I stood in what I think is one of the most beautiful places on earth and really took it in. And I can't describe how incredible it was. So I stood in the middle of what is probably miles of graves, completely alone, in the snow and started singing. I don't really know who I was singing to. Maybe someone was listening. Or maybe it was just for me. But I sang my very favorite songs. "Somewhere over the rainbow", and "there's a place for us" from west side story. For me that place over the rainbow with peace, quiet, and open air is the state of mind I was in tonight. That place in my head where I am calm. Where I am ok. Where I'm not confused, lonely, or afraid. Thats what I felt in that place and thats what I strive for always.
Life is like the sad little blizzard that scampered past us tonight. All the big scary things that come our way seem so terrifying. We panic. We prepare. We anticipate. And usually when the big scary things hit.... we make it through... and its not as bad is we thought. And even when it is bad we aren't alone. We have friends to snuggle up with and drink hot chocolate while the scary storm passes by. Thats the peace, quiet and open air over the rainbow that I'm talking about. So there is a place for us. Its with the people we love, living life to the fullest. And somehow, someway we'll make it through all the blizzards life throws at us.
When I reached the cemetary I started to notice how quiet the streets were. There was no one around. The snow was falling lightly. No cars. Nothing. I made the first footprints in the freshly fallen snow along the pathways through the giant graveyard. The thing I love about walking through there is the amazing peace that comes from being in that place. I don't think they're creepy or scary. They're beautiful. In real life my head is constantly spinning with thoughts of anxiety or depressioin. But in that place there is a quiet peace that not even my head can interrupt. Being there puts things into perspective. This life is short. We all end up in the same place. A quiet peaceful field. And for some reason that thought makes me want to live the happy moments in life to the fullest, and remember that the bad ones are only a moment. I realized lots of things as I stood there. I miss out on the joys of life. I am focusing all of my energy into the fact that I feel lonely and like I will never be in a real relationship. I focus on all the things I have to get done. The papers to write, how behind I am, how much work I have to do in order to have a successful career.... I forget how to breath sometimes. I don't take in the beautiful things in life. And tonight I stood in what I think is one of the most beautiful places on earth and really took it in. And I can't describe how incredible it was. So I stood in the middle of what is probably miles of graves, completely alone, in the snow and started singing. I don't really know who I was singing to. Maybe someone was listening. Or maybe it was just for me. But I sang my very favorite songs. "Somewhere over the rainbow", and "there's a place for us" from west side story. For me that place over the rainbow with peace, quiet, and open air is the state of mind I was in tonight. That place in my head where I am calm. Where I am ok. Where I'm not confused, lonely, or afraid. Thats what I felt in that place and thats what I strive for always.
Life is like the sad little blizzard that scampered past us tonight. All the big scary things that come our way seem so terrifying. We panic. We prepare. We anticipate. And usually when the big scary things hit.... we make it through... and its not as bad is we thought. And even when it is bad we aren't alone. We have friends to snuggle up with and drink hot chocolate while the scary storm passes by. Thats the peace, quiet and open air over the rainbow that I'm talking about. So there is a place for us. Its with the people we love, living life to the fullest. And somehow, someway we'll make it through all the blizzards life throws at us.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
AM I GOOD ENOUGH YET??
From the time we are children, we are taught to do things for the approval of others. We walk when someone claps for us. We go to the bathroom in the toilet to get a candy bar from mom. We write letters and numbers so our first grade teacher doesn't get mad. We dress well so othe people will think we are attractive. We learn algebra so we can get into college. We go to college so that we can get a peice of paper that tells OTHER people we are good enough for a job.
In a world where pleasing others is what we are trained to do, how on earth are we supposed to find self satisfaction and self worth??? I sit awake all night thinking about how no one is ever gonna want to date me. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not mature enough. I don't have a good enough personality for THEM. I think about my career. Casting agents are going to hate my little arms. They won't think I have a big enough range to make it. They won't want to take someone thats a bad dancer like me. I think about my family and friends. What if they don't like the decisions I make? What if they think my clothes are ugly? What if they think I'm headed down the wrong path? What if they aren't REALLY proud of me? What if they are talking about me when I'm not around about how awful I am?
On my quest for finding self worth I have run into this problem... I don't have time to think about what I love about myself becase I am too busy making sure everyone else loves me first. So what do I do about it?... seriously I have no idea. But I'm going to experiment with this:
I am making personal satisfaction goals. I am making them into three categories. APPEARANCE/DATING. CAREER. FAMILY/ FRIENDS. Under each category I will write where I want to be in each area. for example:
APPEARANE/DATING: I want to be in good enough shape that I would be confident enough to ask someone out.
CAREER: I want to feel comfortable enough with my abilities as a dancer that I could walk into a dance audition and feel confident enough to go full out.
FAMILY/FRIENDSI will be the kind of person I want to be and then let my family see how great that really is.
i will probably go a little deepr than that in my personal notebook but you get the idea. you are welcome to play along with me if you so choose! well see how this goes.
In a world where pleasing others is what we are trained to do, how on earth are we supposed to find self satisfaction and self worth??? I sit awake all night thinking about how no one is ever gonna want to date me. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not mature enough. I don't have a good enough personality for THEM. I think about my career. Casting agents are going to hate my little arms. They won't think I have a big enough range to make it. They won't want to take someone thats a bad dancer like me. I think about my family and friends. What if they don't like the decisions I make? What if they think my clothes are ugly? What if they think I'm headed down the wrong path? What if they aren't REALLY proud of me? What if they are talking about me when I'm not around about how awful I am?
On my quest for finding self worth I have run into this problem... I don't have time to think about what I love about myself becase I am too busy making sure everyone else loves me first. So what do I do about it?... seriously I have no idea. But I'm going to experiment with this:
I am making personal satisfaction goals. I am making them into three categories. APPEARANCE/DATING. CAREER. FAMILY/ FRIENDS. Under each category I will write where I want to be in each area. for example:
APPEARANE/DATING: I want to be in good enough shape that I would be confident enough to ask someone out.
CAREER: I want to feel comfortable enough with my abilities as a dancer that I could walk into a dance audition and feel confident enough to go full out.
FAMILY/FRIENDSI will be the kind of person I want to be and then let my family see how great that really is.
i will probably go a little deepr than that in my personal notebook but you get the idea. you are welcome to play along with me if you so choose! well see how this goes.
Post Secret
My friend and I went to get hot chocolate and read at good old barnes and noble the other day and she introduced me to this book that has become my new obsession. Its called POST SECRET. Its this book made up of post cards that people send in with their biggest secrets written on them in an artistic way. And they are anonymous. And it amazed me how many of the post cards I completely connected with.
I SPEND MORE TIME IN PRACTICE ROOMS THAN I DO OUTSIDE.
I STILL BELEIVE IN MY CHILDHOOD DREAM.
I THINK I'M BEAUTIFL... AND I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO AGREES.
I OCCUPY THE SIDE OF MY BED WITH RANDOM STUFF SO AT NIGHT I FEEL LIKE I'M SLEEPING NEXT TO SOMEONE.
and those are just the more inspirational ones. There are a lot of heart breaking tragic ones that I connected with.. but I'll keep those ones more private :)
Anyone can send in a card. They give you the address on the back of the book. You just send it to the address and don't put down a return address. Like I said they are completely anonymous.
So I have six post cards I'm sending in. I might come up with more. But I think the idea is beautiful. I will send in my big secrets. Things that no one knows. And in doing so I will try to let go of those things and not let them weigh me down. And hopefully someone somewhere will see them and connect. And not feel as alone as they did before. Just like I did when I sat in barnes and noble last week.
http://www.postsecret.com/
I SPEND MORE TIME IN PRACTICE ROOMS THAN I DO OUTSIDE.
I STILL BELEIVE IN MY CHILDHOOD DREAM.
I THINK I'M BEAUTIFL... AND I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO AGREES.
I OCCUPY THE SIDE OF MY BED WITH RANDOM STUFF SO AT NIGHT I FEEL LIKE I'M SLEEPING NEXT TO SOMEONE.
and those are just the more inspirational ones. There are a lot of heart breaking tragic ones that I connected with.. but I'll keep those ones more private :)
Anyone can send in a card. They give you the address on the back of the book. You just send it to the address and don't put down a return address. Like I said they are completely anonymous.
So I have six post cards I'm sending in. I might come up with more. But I think the idea is beautiful. I will send in my big secrets. Things that no one knows. And in doing so I will try to let go of those things and not let them weigh me down. And hopefully someone somewhere will see them and connect. And not feel as alone as they did before. Just like I did when I sat in barnes and noble last week.
http://www.postsecret.com/
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Am I Getting Worse??
I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 18 years old. Almost a year ago. So I don't know exactly how the mental illness thing works really but lately I have felt like my symptoms are getting stronger. I don't mean lately like within the past few weeks, but within the past few months. Ever since about June of this year I have started noticing signifigant manic episodes and depressive weeks. Now I have no idea if bipolar disorder can get worse as you get older or not BUT I have decided to try and take matters into my own hands either way.
When I was seeing my old therapist this summer I had what was called a MOOD TRACKING BOOK. I would write down my symptoms for the day. I would write if I was depressed or manic, what I thought triggered the emotion, and what I did with that emotion. Then we would discuss it at our weekly meetings. And ever since then, even though I have done away with the book, I have been mood tracking. I think about how I'm feeing constantly. Am I manic? Depressed? Mixed? So maybe I'm not getting worse... maybe I am just focusing my energy on the wrong things. If I give power to the things I focus on....then focusing on feeling awful all the time is gonna make me feel awful.. ALL THE TIME. So I am doing away with mood tracking! Instead of focusing on my feelings for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on life! I want to focus on experiences and the journey I'm on. Most of the time the feelings I have are workable. I can get out of bed if I really push myself, and I can get through the day even if I have stayed up all night manic. So I'm not going to bother worrying about it if I can get through life just fine anyway. My emotions can't control my life anymore. I can't be the biploar kid who tracks his life based off manic or depressive weeks. I don't want to look back on the month and think.. oh well I was depressed for the past four days, but before that I was manic for seven. I want to look back on my life and think.. I had an amazing night with my friends last night, then the week before I got a lot of homework done and did a lot of practicing because I had tons of energy. I think if I start to focus my energy in the right direction I won't feel like I'm getting worse. And who knows maybe I'll start to feel a tiny bit better.
When I was seeing my old therapist this summer I had what was called a MOOD TRACKING BOOK. I would write down my symptoms for the day. I would write if I was depressed or manic, what I thought triggered the emotion, and what I did with that emotion. Then we would discuss it at our weekly meetings. And ever since then, even though I have done away with the book, I have been mood tracking. I think about how I'm feeing constantly. Am I manic? Depressed? Mixed? So maybe I'm not getting worse... maybe I am just focusing my energy on the wrong things. If I give power to the things I focus on....then focusing on feeling awful all the time is gonna make me feel awful.. ALL THE TIME. So I am doing away with mood tracking! Instead of focusing on my feelings for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on life! I want to focus on experiences and the journey I'm on. Most of the time the feelings I have are workable. I can get out of bed if I really push myself, and I can get through the day even if I have stayed up all night manic. So I'm not going to bother worrying about it if I can get through life just fine anyway. My emotions can't control my life anymore. I can't be the biploar kid who tracks his life based off manic or depressive weeks. I don't want to look back on the month and think.. oh well I was depressed for the past four days, but before that I was manic for seven. I want to look back on my life and think.. I had an amazing night with my friends last night, then the week before I got a lot of homework done and did a lot of practicing because I had tons of energy. I think if I start to focus my energy in the right direction I won't feel like I'm getting worse. And who knows maybe I'll start to feel a tiny bit better.
jealousy
I have an amazing group of friends. I love them so much. They are beautiful, talented, sweet, loving, and the list goes on. But here is the problem..... i am a very competetive person and I get jealous very easily. So when someone gets the part, when someone is better at something than me, when all of my friends are cuter than me, and when my friends date and i .... don't :) I get angry. And it keeps me up at night.
I had no idea what my solution to this problem was going to be until I looked up the word jealousy on google to spell check. The wikipedia definition says that jealousy is negative thoughts and feelings of INSECURITY. So what is the answer to getting past jealousy.... find a way to quit being insecure.... i'll get back to you on that one.
I had no idea what my solution to this problem was going to be until I looked up the word jealousy on google to spell check. The wikipedia definition says that jealousy is negative thoughts and feelings of INSECURITY. So what is the answer to getting past jealousy.... find a way to quit being insecure.... i'll get back to you on that one.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wallowing in my own sorrow
Have you ever been laying in bed, or sitting alone and started re-living a really painful memory? You think through ever single detail that made it so awful, and occasionally add things to the story to make yourself feel more powerful and changing the ending of the story so you feel better. I do this ALL THE DAMN TIME. And something I've noticed is that even when I change the ending to the story, or add in a clever line that I thought of days later.. I still feel crapy when the story ends. Reality still exists. And I know that the story truly didn't end that way. So why do I do it? Why lay in bed thinking of the bad things that have happened? ....Truthfully I have no solid answer to that question. I just know that I do it. And I know LOTS of people do it. And for me sometimes bad things don't even have to happen for me to get this way. Sometimes when I get depressed I just start making up situations that haven't even happened. I MAKE UP SAD STORIES!! How dumb is that? And if I can't come up with a good one I can always fall back on the attempted suicide story to make me feel awful. The only logical explination for this is that I'm a sick person and I enjoy tourturing myself!!!.... actually sort of... but its more complex than that.
I think a part of me enjoys being depressed. WHAT?!? I know it sounds weird but hear me out. I think we all do this. Its nice to feel like I have a reason to run away from life and be sad. Sometimes its nice to have people feel bad for you. Sometimes its nice to feel bad for yourself. THE PROBLEM is when I go overboard. Taking a weekend to eat icecream with friends and have a good cry is GREAT for satisfying the need to feel bad for myself. But thats not the issue. The issue is forcing myself to live in the painful past.
staying up all night re-living bad decisions as a form of self punisment. If I force myself to re-live those terrible things they will never happen again right?? WRONG! Bad things happen and it only takes a moment to learn from them. Not years. I don't have to lay awake at night thinking about how scary the hospital is to know that I never want to go back. The day I spent there and the few days after are all I need. So why do I find myself going back to the hospital every night in my fantasies? Its because I want to go back and add in the things I should have done so badly! I want to change the ending. I want to say the right things. I want to fix it all and since I don't have a time machine I will do it in my head for the rest of my life! ... I don't think thats healthy so here's what I'm gonna do.
Next time a memory pops into my head I'm going to allow myself to go there. I can't block it or run from it because that only gives it power. I will let myself remember what happened, understand why it popped into my head. And i WON'T change the ending. I won't add in the clever lines. I will embrace the reality of my past and MOVE ON. Living in the moment is NOT as easy as it sounds. People tell me to do it all the time, and the truth is I don't really know how. But I know that you can't run from the past...... and you can't live in the past .... so maybe I just need to learn to accept it when it comes to mind and focus on the day ahead when it doesn't.
I think a part of me enjoys being depressed. WHAT?!? I know it sounds weird but hear me out. I think we all do this. Its nice to feel like I have a reason to run away from life and be sad. Sometimes its nice to have people feel bad for you. Sometimes its nice to feel bad for yourself. THE PROBLEM is when I go overboard. Taking a weekend to eat icecream with friends and have a good cry is GREAT for satisfying the need to feel bad for myself. But thats not the issue. The issue is forcing myself to live in the painful past.
staying up all night re-living bad decisions as a form of self punisment. If I force myself to re-live those terrible things they will never happen again right?? WRONG! Bad things happen and it only takes a moment to learn from them. Not years. I don't have to lay awake at night thinking about how scary the hospital is to know that I never want to go back. The day I spent there and the few days after are all I need. So why do I find myself going back to the hospital every night in my fantasies? Its because I want to go back and add in the things I should have done so badly! I want to change the ending. I want to say the right things. I want to fix it all and since I don't have a time machine I will do it in my head for the rest of my life! ... I don't think thats healthy so here's what I'm gonna do.
Next time a memory pops into my head I'm going to allow myself to go there. I can't block it or run from it because that only gives it power. I will let myself remember what happened, understand why it popped into my head. And i WON'T change the ending. I won't add in the clever lines. I will embrace the reality of my past and MOVE ON. Living in the moment is NOT as easy as it sounds. People tell me to do it all the time, and the truth is I don't really know how. But I know that you can't run from the past...... and you can't live in the past .... so maybe I just need to learn to accept it when it comes to mind and focus on the day ahead when it doesn't.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
What if it just sucks?
I have tried for three days to come up with a good post. I usually write three or four sentances and realize I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about. I mean a lot of things have happened emotionally for me this past week... but i haven't really found a lesson yet. I was getting really frustrated with myself for not finding a clever little moral to post on my blog... then i realized....
Sometimes life can just SUCK, and thats ok! Sometimes I get manic and make bad decisions, ignore people, say rude things, forget my therapy appointments, dance classes, and plans with friends. Sometimes I get depressed and ignore everything I have to get done. And someimes i get a little of both in me and wander around the avenues for hours like a zombie ;) The beautiful thing about life is no matter how bad it sucks... IT STILL GOES ON. And when I make it through a hell week, I can be confident that it can only get better. This week I have had the craziest ups and darkest lows at really strange times. I've been re-living the past and stressing about the future. I have layed around doing nothing for hours... then ran around salt lake alone like a chicken with its head cut off. But guess what? Shit happens. So what do I do? Give up? NO! I aplogize to the people i have ignored/said stupid things to, accept the pain that I have felt, and embrace the fact that this week was hell and move past it.
I ended up stressing myself out more than was nessisary trying to find this big deep answer to my weeks trials. So this week I have no advice to give except YOU'LL BE OK! IT GETS BETTER!! and YOU ARE BLESSED. Now I'm not very religious but there is a song that popped into my head that I sang when I went to church that applies to all human beings reguardless of religious affiliation... COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS name them one by one, and see what god has done. There is always a possibility that life is gonna suck, and there's not always a huge life lesson to be learned from it, but there is ALWAYS goodness and hope to live for.
Sometimes life can just SUCK, and thats ok! Sometimes I get manic and make bad decisions, ignore people, say rude things, forget my therapy appointments, dance classes, and plans with friends. Sometimes I get depressed and ignore everything I have to get done. And someimes i get a little of both in me and wander around the avenues for hours like a zombie ;) The beautiful thing about life is no matter how bad it sucks... IT STILL GOES ON. And when I make it through a hell week, I can be confident that it can only get better. This week I have had the craziest ups and darkest lows at really strange times. I've been re-living the past and stressing about the future. I have layed around doing nothing for hours... then ran around salt lake alone like a chicken with its head cut off. But guess what? Shit happens. So what do I do? Give up? NO! I aplogize to the people i have ignored/said stupid things to, accept the pain that I have felt, and embrace the fact that this week was hell and move past it.
I ended up stressing myself out more than was nessisary trying to find this big deep answer to my weeks trials. So this week I have no advice to give except YOU'LL BE OK! IT GETS BETTER!! and YOU ARE BLESSED. Now I'm not very religious but there is a song that popped into my head that I sang when I went to church that applies to all human beings reguardless of religious affiliation... COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS name them one by one, and see what god has done. There is always a possibility that life is gonna suck, and there's not always a huge life lesson to be learned from it, but there is ALWAYS goodness and hope to live for.
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