Every single person on this planet has at least one secret that could break your heart. If we could just remember that, there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Am I Getting Worse??

I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 18 years old. Almost a year ago. So I don't know exactly how the mental illness thing works really but lately I have felt like my symptoms are getting stronger. I don't mean lately like within the past few weeks, but within the past few months. Ever since about June of this year I have started noticing signifigant manic episodes and depressive weeks. Now I have no idea if bipolar disorder can get worse as you get older or not BUT I have decided to try and take matters into my own hands either way.

When I was seeing my old therapist this summer I had what was called a MOOD TRACKING BOOK. I would write down my symptoms for the day. I would write if I was depressed or manic, what I thought triggered the emotion, and what I did with that emotion. Then we would discuss it at our weekly meetings. And ever since then, even though I have done away with the book, I have been mood tracking. I think about how I'm feeing constantly. Am I manic? Depressed? Mixed? So maybe I'm not getting worse... maybe I am just focusing my energy on the wrong things. If I give power to the things I focus on....then focusing on feeling awful all the time is gonna make me feel awful.. ALL THE TIME. So I am doing away with mood tracking! Instead of focusing on my feelings for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on life! I want to focus on experiences and the journey I'm on. Most of the time the feelings I have are workable. I can get out of bed if I really push myself, and I can get through the day even if I have stayed up all night manic. So I'm not going to bother worrying about it if I can get through life just fine anyway. My emotions can't control my life anymore. I can't be the biploar kid who tracks his life based off manic or depressive weeks. I don't want to look back on the month and think.. oh well I was depressed for the past four days, but before that I was manic for seven. I want to look back on my life and think.. I had an amazing night with my friends last night, then the week before I got a lot of homework done and did a lot of practicing because I had tons of energy. I think if I start to focus my energy in the right direction I won't feel like I'm getting worse. And who knows maybe I'll start to feel a tiny bit better.

1 comment:

Suzie said...

Are you getting worse? No you are changing.
I talked to Kenny's therapist about this very thing. There are three types of Bi-Polar; from my understanding you can stay in one or move to another. Kenny is more in the depressed part and his manics are considered his "rages".
Also, depending on your health, living situation (stress level), and just you in general you can go deeper in your illness.

Do you associate with NAMI at all? All their classes are free. They have classes for parents or loved ones that helped hubby and I very much to learn more about Kenny's illness. Great Support!
Kenny goes to "Connections" every Wednesday at 12:00 to 1:30 at NAMI on 450 E and 900 S. It has helped him a great deal to be able to talk with others that are going through what he is going through.
Live your life the best way you can! Some days you will want to journal and track and some days you won't. You need to find what works best for you.