I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 18 years old. Almost a year ago. So I don't know exactly how the mental illness thing works really but lately I have felt like my symptoms are getting stronger. I don't mean lately like within the past few weeks, but within the past few months. Ever since about June of this year I have started noticing signifigant manic episodes and depressive weeks. Now I have no idea if bipolar disorder can get worse as you get older or not BUT I have decided to try and take matters into my own hands either way.
When I was seeing my old therapist this summer I had what was called a MOOD TRACKING BOOK. I would write down my symptoms for the day. I would write if I was depressed or manic, what I thought triggered the emotion, and what I did with that emotion. Then we would discuss it at our weekly meetings. And ever since then, even though I have done away with the book, I have been mood tracking. I think about how I'm feeing constantly. Am I manic? Depressed? Mixed? So maybe I'm not getting worse... maybe I am just focusing my energy on the wrong things. If I give power to the things I focus on....then focusing on feeling awful all the time is gonna make me feel awful.. ALL THE TIME. So I am doing away with mood tracking! Instead of focusing on my feelings for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on life! I want to focus on experiences and the journey I'm on. Most of the time the feelings I have are workable. I can get out of bed if I really push myself, and I can get through the day even if I have stayed up all night manic. So I'm not going to bother worrying about it if I can get through life just fine anyway. My emotions can't control my life anymore. I can't be the biploar kid who tracks his life based off manic or depressive weeks. I don't want to look back on the month and think.. oh well I was depressed for the past four days, but before that I was manic for seven. I want to look back on my life and think.. I had an amazing night with my friends last night, then the week before I got a lot of homework done and did a lot of practicing because I had tons of energy. I think if I start to focus my energy in the right direction I won't feel like I'm getting worse. And who knows maybe I'll start to feel a tiny bit better.