I get by with a little help from my friends :)

ha  litIts not easy to be my friend. I'm a lot of fun to the point of obnoxious and recklessness for a while... then I hide away in my room from the whole world and don't answer my phone. I get irritated quickly and say rude things that I don't mean. I forget about other peoples feelings. I send those really obnoxious one word texts like "ok" and "fine" because I don't have the energy to type a complete thought. I push people away because when I'm sad I don't think I deserve love. And these things get worse and worse every month so it gets harder and harder to hide them. But there is a beautiful group of people that love me despite all of these awful flaws. These are the people that I stay alive for when I'm sad, and the people I can't wait to play with when I'm manic. So... here is just a few of the people in my amazing support system.

I don't know how... but me and her just get eachother. its a grey and yang thing.

I mean beautiful and a sense of humor. who could ask for anything more?

I mean... this picture pretty much sums it up :)

This picture was taken the days before I went to the hospital. They brought me that hat to make me feel better, left me lots of funny voicemails, pretended like nothing happened so i wouldn't feel weird coming back, oh and the one in the hat never left my bedside :)

my best friend in the world.

i mean... who else in this world would have the patience to take my crazy 2 am phonecalls :)

i survived a year in UTAH VALLEY because of this beautiful girl.

it takes a very special person to live with me... thats all i'm sayin :)

this is like the only picture we have together because she's a newer friend... but i love her... and this is all we do anyway haha.

sometimes you find your most supportive friends in unexpected places... like at a high school prom :)

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. If anyone on this planet has a right to hate me its that beautiful girl in the pink suit... but she doesn't. she accepts me and loves me even though i haven't always been the best friend to her.

we only have three more years together, but i'll love them all FOREVER!! cheesey? i don't care.

I am so lucky to have this wonderful family. There really is no place like home :)

INSOMNIA

You know how when you experience something really scary or painful... and then when you look back at it after a few days have gone by its not that big of a deal and you can't remember why you were so freaked out? Thats sort of how I feel when I think back on really manic or really depressed days. I forget sometimes that I'm Bipolar until i'm right in the middle of an episode. So about 6 months ago I bought a journal where I write down what I'm feeling right in the middle of those crazy moments so that I can remember later. I got the idea from looking back at my blog DRAFTS that I never posted. I was looking through them and found some from my "september 19th overdose". I didn't remember this, but I got on my blog and wrote a really long emotional messy entry about what I was feeling at the time, and although it was kind of disturbing to read... it was mostly helpful to remember what was going through my head. I won't post any quotes from those entries today... maybe someday. But TODAY I'm posting about my latest issue... INSOMNIA. The following quotes are right out of my personal journal (and occassionally some commentary from daytime jaron). My goal is to someday be able to put all of these journals into a book like Terri Chenny's book MANIC.

"it feels like i'm too bsy to do anything. especially sleep. so i do nothing but think myself into an ulcerating pit (what does that even mean?) until the sun rises and its time for ballet. thank god for coffee."

"waiting for sleeping pills to work. fat chance. i should go steal (is that how you spell that?) ben's cough syrup. (found my own haha). I really wanna be up for dance in the morning. 3 hours till ballet."

"its like when you get a song stuck in your head except its all the worst most painful moments of your life replaying over and over verse chorus verse chorus" (apparently i think my life is really hard in the middle of the night)

"my skin hurts, the sheets hurt on my skin, my back and shoulders hurt, stomach and gas pain" (tmi?)

"country music calms me down enought to at least relax my body."

"its irritating to shut my eyes. it feels like effort to keep them closed. i force myself to lay still and realize after a while my head isn't even touching the pillow because my neck and shoulders are so tight i'm holding my own head up i wake up sore like i did a hard workout but all i did was try to sleep" (no such thing as punctuation at 4 am. give me a break)

I'm hoping that if I continue to do this and study what I write, I'll be able to figure out things that help. First step COUNTRY MUSIC at bed time... and hiding cough syrup so i don't get addicted to it!

An Education

I just wrapped up another year of college of a few weeks ago. Being a freshman AGAIN was not exactly thrilling but I love the people in Salt Lake especially my MTP family. I left BYU and moved to Salt Lake to be who I really am, And I must say, things went much differently than planned, HOWEVER I learned more than I thought I would. So I am going to do another one of my LIST blogs and talk about all the little things I've learned during my year.

- LIFE is worth living. I came very close to death in september of last year. And even though back then I didn't want to live anymore... I'm glad I'm still here.

-charcoal belongs in camp fires. NOT in my stomach.

-If my house isn't decorated really well... i don't feel at home.

- Someone can get whatever they want from me if they tell me i'm PRETTY.

- I care more about my look than I do about my personality... and I want to change that.

-People think I'm good looking on the east coast.

-I'm OBSESSED with post secret.

- I still want to be Loreli Gilmore when I grow up.

-I hate people to hear me pee so i turn on the sink everytime I use the bathroom.

-I don't know how to casually date.

- When I get really sad... i don't stop eating.

-Taco bell is my best friend/worst enemy.

-I REALLY hope love feels like a country song.

-I like country music.

-I have a weird complex about how people view me back in syracuse (the town i'm from) If I find out my old neighbors are "dissapointed" or "concerned" about me... even though i know its with love..... i get REALLY defensive and it ruins my week.

- Being LDS dosn't bring me happiness.

-I beleive in and LOVE God.

-I hate to be needed, but love needing people.

-In my darkest moments the only one who can save me is ME.

-I am bipolar.

-I love lamp light and candles.

- I am interested in stable committment from a partner.

-I'm a terrible flirt.

-My charm doesn't really read via text.... or blog for that matter.

-Watching your dreams fly out the window is even more painful than it sounds.

-I'm talented enough to receive $15,000 from a top 5 musical theatre school.

-I hold grudges.

-I complain about not getting the parts i want because I don't have the body I want. I complain about being single because I don't have the body i want.... but i'm still afraid of the gym.

-I LOVE dancing... but i might not ever be really good at it... and that kills me.

-i'm NOT good at throwing parties.

-I'm REALLY good at avoiding therapy and medication.

-I have emotional problems.... but forgetting about them and living life helps.

-People who make up problems to get attention piss me off.

-I am a master manipulator... gotta stop that.

-i get dizzy before I get really manic.

-i like graveyards

-I REALLY want someone to love me

-"i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damnit people like me"

-I am a record breaking over reactor.

-If anything is going to hold me back from being a good dancer... its insomnia. Why are ballet classes always before 9 am????

-there's no place like home..

-people who can just fall asleep at a decent hour without a problem don't know how lucky they are.

-i'm pretty much always thinking about one of three things... belting.... my love life... or food.

-i'm never satisfied with two of the things listed above.

-karli rose lowry is the funniest person on the planet.

- I tear up when people tell me they think i would make a good father.

-I want to be a father.

-"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"-Marilyn Monroe

-witihout darkness we can never understand the light.

-having hope is a choice

-Sometimes... when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnle.... forget about your problems and laugh for a while... and pretty soon you'll be living in the light.

-cafe on 1st, the top of i, ensign peak, my bedroom window, the graveyard in the avenues, marriot dance center, su casa, city creek park, gateway, the schmidt house, pab, and my very large comfortable bed are my favorite places in salt lake city.

-i make really long lists... congrats if you made it to the end without falling asleep!

I feel so much spring

This is an entry from my personal journal that turned out... well sounding more like a blog entry than a journal so i thought i would share it with you all :)

During HYPOMANIA, life can seem more beautiful and thrilling than it normaly or actually is. But today, hypomania is no match for how beautiful Salt Lake City is. I'm sitting against a big tree just outside my house. I can hear birds chirping, see flowers blooming, and smell fresh cut grass from my neighbor mowing his lawn. Today spring feels especially beautiful to me. Depression is a cold, dark, and quiet winter. Its as if everything becomes washed out like a thick sheets of snow covering green fields. Then... srping comes... and there is enormous relief. I am always so thrilled to see that first bit of grass shooting up out of the white snow. No matter how scary life is.. that first bit of grass is enough to make you want to roll up your pant legs, take off your shoes, and run to the nearest grass patch to bask in the beauty of the world we live in.

I'm a rapid cycler. I experience ups and downs weekely... but even in those weeks of mania there has still been a lingering ache of depression for the past 8 months. I've been suffocating under that thinck blanket of snow. But today, as I sit under the sun, against a maple tree, with my shoes off and my pants rolled up... I can't help but have a hunch that MY spring... is just around the corner.

a new world..

The musical I'm in at the University of Utah is called SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD (runs april 20-24th come see it!). And I've been thinking a lot about what the show is about and how closely it relates to my life right now. The show is stories of lots of different people in pivital moments in their lives. Moments that change who they are, how the see the world, or where everything changes. The first line I sing in the opening number says it best "its about one moment, the moment before it all becomes clear... and just when when you're on the verge of succes the sky starts to change and the wind starts to blow." Thats kind of where I'm at right now. I am in that moment before things become clear, that is. I was accepted into Boco again... but this time with a $10,000 a year scholarship. Sounds like a lot of money right?? but its only about a fifth of the total cost. So why even bother you ask?? well... its my dream school... and its sort of like going to Harvard instead of state school. But my parents and I are still figuring out money/loan options so... who knows.


So now I'm getting practice in dealing with high stress and a mental disorder at the same time. The problem right now is I can't ever sleep. I have been getting on average about 4 hours a night, which sucks cause I have to sing and dance and run around all day. Today I had to take the day off cause I got sick due to a lack of sleep and overuse of my voice and body and we open in a few weeks (also adding to the stress). So what do I do? There isn't a breathing exercise out there that I haven't tried, i rub lavendar on my feet and it doesn't help, i tried meditating, sleeping pills, cough syrup, you name it and nothing seems to help.

Here's what I've realized... when I get into a high stress situation it DEFINATELY triggers a manic or mixed mood. In that state everything starts to become a life or death decision. I can't sleep at night bcause it feels like my life could possibly be over with one little phone call from mommy saying they're done thinking about it and they won't help me get to boston. At the same time the idea of leaving accross the country scares the shit out of me. How will I manage all of my issues clear out there in Boston where I literally have ONE friend and a few people i've met once or twice?

Bottom line is all this is out of my control... and I have to figure out a way to let go and LIVE LIFE. And besies I'm possibly on the brink of a brand new life.... what could be more exciting than that? I mean thats the kind of thing they write muscals about :)

Songs for a New World plays april 20-24th in studio 115 in the Performing Arts Building on the University of Utah campus. Tickets are five dollars and can be purchased thorugh Kingsburry Hall. :) :)

so....what is it?

So I was reading my mothers blog the other day and noticed she had written a post about me being manic depressive. I realized after I read it that simply saying Jaron Barney is manic depressive isn't enough. Most people don't know what that is, and what they do know might not even be correct.  Many view it as a form of depression... and while depression is part of being manic depressive.... they are very different illnesses. So I decided to sort of lay out what manic depressive aka BIPOLAR disorder actually is.

The medical definition of bipolar disorder is:  Bipolar, or manic-depressive disorder, is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows. The majority of bipolar individuals experience alternating episodes of mania and depression.

There are two types of bipolar disorder. Type one and two are distinguished by the severity of the MANIC phase. Bipolar 1 experiences MANIA which can include severe and risky behavior (jumping off buildings in an attempt to fly, thinking you are god, hearing voices, excessive sex and drug use) . Bipolar 2 has the same depressive states but the "manic state" is actually HYPOMANIA which is slightly less severe. The excessive energy and irritability are the same but the risky behaviors and other life altering consequenses don't occur. I am currently diagnosed type 2.

Recently I have been looking into what is called "rapid cycling" it is something I think sounds a lot like me. It is when a bipolar patient experiences ups and downs at a much quicker rate than the average patient. Most bipolar people will have 8 to 10 manic episodes in a LIFETIME and a rapid cycler will have at least 4 per YEAR. I haven't been diagnosed with that, and i don't know if its even nessisary because treatment for mental illness tends to be the same reguardless of small problems like that (i literally took pills given to skitsofranic patients) but still its nice to know.  

Symptoms of depression include: paralysis, excessive sleep, excessive eating, desire for isolation, extreme negativity, suicidal tendancies.
Symptoms of mania (hypomania) are: increased energy, sexual impulsivity, heightened sensualitiy, grandiose thinking, decreased need for sleep and food, excessive spending, extreme spending, irritibility, restlessness, and charisma.

There is also a state called "mixed mood" it is exactly what it sounds like, but it can be very dangerous. Basically its being depressed but having the energy of a manic state. When this happens a person has the energy to act on depressed feelings, when normaly lethargy keeps a depressed person from hurting themselves. This is the state I was in when I attempted suicide 7 months ago. I was highly depressed and wanted out and I had the energy and power to do something about it.

When I experience depression the symptoms that hit me hardest are desire for isolation, excessive eating and sleeping, negativity and occassionally suicidal thoughts.
When I am manic most often you will find me practicing A LOT, cleaning, spending lots of money, talking on the phone for hours, but along with being lots of fun to be around... i can be extremely ... bitchy.

I am posting this so that those that read my blogs can get a better understanding of what my mental illness IS. Its not just getting sad, and then getting happy again. Neither side is all that simple, or pleasant for that matter. Its not something I have any control over, but I think I have done a pretty damn good job of making sure I don't become a bother to the people in my life because of it. I promised myself a while back that no matter what I wouldn't let this problem keep me from LIVING life. So I make plans in advance so that no matter how I'm feeling I am obligated to go experience things. I give myself at least two hours each day alone so that I can be exactly how I feel in order to have the strength to get along with others. I keep my friends close and force them to keep me on track with school and being on time... getting out of bed when i'm depressed etc.

Here are some more medical facts about bipolar disorder:




 American adults who have bipolar: 5.8 million (2.8% of U.S. population)
• Life expectancy of an adult with serious mental illness: 25 years shorter than that of a person without.
• Bipolar patients who have attempted suicide: 25%. (kinda makes me seem a bit more normal right??) ;)
• Bipolar patients whose suicide attempts have been lethal: 15-20%. This is the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric disorder, and more than 20 times higher than the rate of suicide in the general population. About half of all suicides in the U.S. can be attributed to bipolar.
• Bipolar people who are not being treated at any given time: approximately 50% (i am currently not taking medication but getting back on soon hopefully)
• Bipolar and schizophrenic people who have no insurance: 50%. The diagnosis of mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and mental illness makes it far more difficult to get, and keep, health insurance, and most health insurance offers only a limited amount of coverage for mental health services and medications. (i am "uninsurable")
• Year the term ‘manic-depressive insanity’ was first used in medical texts: 1896
• Year the term bipolar was first used: 1980
• Year the first medication (lithium) was discovered to have effect on manic patients: 1948
• Year the first medication designed specifically to treat bipolar was developed: still waiting
• Average age of onset: 23 (i am a little young, but some are diagnosed as young as 3 years old)
• Average age of correct diagnosis: 40 (i was incorrectly diagnosed with DEPRESSION for half a year)
• Average number of years it takes a bipolar person or their family to seek treatment from the onset of symptoms: 10
• Number of bipolar sufferers who have been misdiagnosed at least once: 70-75%. (me!!)
• Number of patients taking a mood stabilizer who go off their medication because of side effects, the desire for manic energy, or impaired insight: 50%
• Number one risk factor for relapse into a bipolar episode: going off your meds
• Odds that a person with bipolar I will also struggle with substance abuse: 60:40
• Odds that a person with bipolar II will: 50:50
• Rate of alcoholism in bipolar men: Three times higher than in the general population
• In bipolar women: Seven times higher than in the general population
• Divorce rates for people with bipolar: twice as high during their first marriage than for people with any other psychiatric disorder, and three and a half times more likely to divorce than people in the general population. (not gonna happen to me cause even when i'm depressed i'm LOVEABLE!!)


Thats a lot of scary medical facts. The IMPORTANT fact is that I'm ok. I am not posting these facts to scare people, I just want to be better understood. I want it to be understood that this problem doesn't go away with therapy. I'll have it forever, and it might get worse. But I'm GOOD at dealing with it. Even though some of my close friends and family might have a better understanding of how impossible/annoying i can be because of this... MOST people don't even notice there is a problem. My friends and family keep me in line and make sure I'm ok, I would be an even bigger mess than I already am without their help.

Listening to my body.

Most, if not all, manic depresive people will tell you that feeling manic is FAR superior to depression. As a matter of fact, even someone without a mental problem would tell you they prefer energy to depression. Over the past few months all I wanted was to stay manic as long as possible. I got pretty depressed around the whole six month anniversary of my attempted suicide thing, but I bounced back like always. Except this time, the prospect of living with depression again was absloutely unbearable. I just couldn't handle another few weeks of wanting to die, pretending to like people, wishing I had the energy to try... so I decided to do everything in my power to stay manic. I read that excessive amounts of caffine and lack of sleep can enduce mania..... so I started drinking coffee religiously and staying up as late as I could. When I started feeling like I might be slipping back into depresion I would grab another cup of coffee and practice, go to the gym, or go facebook crazy for a few hours until I was too busy with life to feel depresed. I ignored all the classic signs of Jaron depression like complete disinterest in hygene, irritablilty to the point of absolute bitchy-ness, extreme fatigue, and an increased desire to stay in bed all day and never open my eyes. I though maybe if I could find a way to stay manic for three or four months, I could just relax during the summer. It didn't work. In fact it just made me feel awful. I found myself getting angry over EVERYTHING, taking things too personally, and getting physcally ill. Underneath my facade of being "totally fine" I wanted to run away and never come back. I started looking up hotel prices in random places all over the country so I could have somewhere to escape to.




Although I was very productive, I felt that I might suddenly burst into tears at any moment. There was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling I so desperately wanted to get away from... but couldn't manage to outrun.



Finally last night I gave in. I sat in my emptpy apartment and cried. I gave into that feeling I had been running from. And i must say... was actually a relief. As strange as it may sound, feeling depressed alone in my apartment was the nicest thing that had happened to me in months. My head stopped spinning, my body relaxed, and I relased all of the fear I had pent of for months. Then I spent the whole next day doing whatever I wanted. (which ended up being eating a greek salad alone in the mountains).



Now, for the first time in months, things seem clear, balanced, almost normal. What I really want is balance, so I thought maybe if I stayed manic for a while I would have some control and be ... sort of balanced. What I have learned is that my own personal form of balance comes from the ups and downs I experience. So I think i'm going to try riding the rollercoaster for a while and see how it goes.





"to be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist." - Gail Sheehy