From the time we are children, we are taught to do things for the approval of others. We walk when someone claps for us. We go to the bathroom in the toilet to get a candy bar from mom. We write letters and numbers so our first grade teacher doesn't get mad. We dress well so othe people will think we are attractive. We learn algebra so we can get into college. We go to college so that we can get a peice of paper that tells OTHER people we are good enough for a job.
In a world where pleasing others is what we are trained to do, how on earth are we supposed to find self satisfaction and self worth??? I sit awake all night thinking about how no one is ever gonna want to date me. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not mature enough. I don't have a good enough personality for THEM. I think about my career. Casting agents are going to hate my little arms. They won't think I have a big enough range to make it. They won't want to take someone thats a bad dancer like me. I think about my family and friends. What if they don't like the decisions I make? What if they think my clothes are ugly? What if they think I'm headed down the wrong path? What if they aren't REALLY proud of me? What if they are talking about me when I'm not around about how awful I am?
On my quest for finding self worth I have run into this problem... I don't have time to think about what I love about myself becase I am too busy making sure everyone else loves me first. So what do I do about it?... seriously I have no idea. But I'm going to experiment with this:
I am making personal satisfaction goals. I am making them into three categories. APPEARANCE/DATING. CAREER. FAMILY/ FRIENDS. Under each category I will write where I want to be in each area. for example:
APPEARANE/DATING: I want to be in good enough shape that I would be confident enough to ask someone out.
CAREER: I want to feel comfortable enough with my abilities as a dancer that I could walk into a dance audition and feel confident enough to go full out.
FAMILY/FRIENDSI will be the kind of person I want to be and then let my family see how great that really is.
i will probably go a little deepr than that in my personal notebook but you get the idea. you are welcome to play along with me if you so choose! well see how this goes.
2 comments:
Jaron;
Thank you for your insightful posts. Whenever I read them I find myself thinking really deeply about you and all you are facing (with great courage and resolve I might add), and about my of life and self reasoning. You have wisdom beyond your years! Something that helps me to come to terms with my downfalls and self worth is haveing a "sure knowledge" that I am loved. I am loved by myself. That is the most important thing for you, me, and everyone is to find out how to love ourself. Master that, and you have conquered half the battle. Thanks for your insight....you rock!
Jaron,
You are AWESOME!!! I love you the way you are. You made me feel special when I didn't think that I was (and you let me smack you around) ;)
I know that you are going to be fantastic at whatever you decide to do. God Bless!!!
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