Auld Lang Syne

2010 is almost over. I recall writing a new years blog last year and saying something like... 2009 has been the hardest year of my life. And I am tempted to say that again, but I am going to keep myself from having that kind of look on my year. Yeah a lot of bad things happened in 2010 but I don't want to look back on this year as the year of difficult decisions, lonliness, suicide, and confusion. I want to look back on 2010 as the year I learned how to be myself. The year I let go of my secrets. The year I started LIVING.

A wise man once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I feel the same way about regret. So my new year goals are going to be my attempt at moving my regret and guilt in a positive directioin. Instead of saying "I wish I hadn't" in 2010, I am going to say "I can't wait to" in 2011.

I can't wait to:

Have so much self confidence that I don't feel worthless when someone doesn't like me.

Release the need to be in a relationship and live.

Kick my face.

Have a six pack because I want it. Not to please everyone else.

       One of my more serious goals has developed out of something I heard a lot this year from family and friends. When I hear about people describing me the first thing (and occasionally the only thing) they say is "he is really talented." Maybe its hard for people to understand.. but that hurts a lot. There is so much more to me than my singing voice. My profession needs to be what I do not who I am. So my goal for 2011 is to have people's first thought of me be something different. I want to be thought of as kind, friendly, open minded, and approachable. So I have to start learing how to be those things!! "This is my friend Jaron, he is really sweet.... oh and he's a pretty good singer too."

      I have started a new book. Its called EAT PRAY LOVE. I know I am sooo lame becase I didn't start reading it until I saw the movie but I'm obsessed with it. So obsessed in fact, that I am basing one of my new years resolutions on it. At one point in the book the main character is living in italy and has made it a goal to figure out what her WORD is. Her first instinct is to say her word is "writer", but her friend tells her that WRITER is what she does not who she is. And as I thought about it I realized that if someone asked me what my "word" was I would probably say PERFORMER. But like I said before I don't want my profession to define who I am inside. So this year I will find my word.

The classic new years tune "Auld Lang Syne" is translated in english to mean "long long ago." When I think Long Long Ago on new years past I remember striving to make big changes in my life and beating myself up when I failed to finish them. So this year my resolutions are not just for 2011, they are for forever. So hoepfully many years from now when I think back, long long ago, I will remeber 2011 as the year I began my quest to becoming the exact person I want to be.

One semester down... who knows how many left to go.

This past semester here at the U has possibly been the hardest yet best few months of my life. I have learned so much about myself in so little time, I'm almost nervous to see what life has in store for me for the next few months. I have made new friends, obsessions, sleeping habbits, taken risks, spent a night in the hospital, spilled my secrets, let my trues self shine, slept in a grave yard, made friends with homless people, helped friends, laughed my ass off, practiced until my fleet nearly bled, learned what it means to really be an actor, figured out how to be more down to earth, realized I'm more messed up than I thought, and most importantly learned to love myself INCLUDING my flaws. So here is what I have taken away from one semester at the U.

-SECRETS are always destructive. I have been amazed by what being open with people has done for me. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin, and I know its because I have FINALLY after 19 years let people know who I really am. I don't live in fear that someone will discover my secrets anymore... because I don't have any anymore.

-You can NEVER have too many best friends. I have never in my life had so many people that care about me. TRULY care. I have met the most amazing people here in Salt Lake. Plus I still get to keep the most amazing provo/davis county friends I already had :) I'm so blessed to be surrounded by people that truly love me. I can honestly say that I would not be alive today were it not for the friends that I have. There have been so many times when my life seemed worthless... but then I get a text from Jessa, or a funny picture from karli or alex, or a voicemail from michael that says i miss you, or a pictre of david bowie from taryn and everything is ok. I have a huge group of beautiful loving people in my life and I am so grateful for that.

-People are always watching. People notice when you screw up... but sometimes getting yourself back up on your feet after you fall is even more admiralbe than being perfect.

-when i pull up my passe' higher i can get a tripple on my right side :)

- "openness to failure breeds the possiblilty of success" -Sarah Shippabothom

-post secret is the most beautiful collection of art I have ever seen

-There is nothing that can cure depression better than a wine glass full of 1% milk and a few episodes of Sex in the City.

- "art is everywhere" -Olivia Vessel

- I perform because I love it. Not because I'm good at it.

- Its so easy to alter yourself to please other people. And you can make people care about you very quickly that way. But it will never bring you the fullfillment that comes from being loved for who you truly are.

- Heartbreak is nessisary. Without it I would have never realized that I didn't have self worth.

-Self worth is something I will search for my entire life. But it is the process of searching for it that makes life beautifl and exciting.

-I hold grudges. I gotta fix that.

-I prefer hot chocolate to coffee even though its not as sophistocated.

-Blizzards are great times for walking through graveyards.

-My mental illness doesn't restrict me. It makes my life more meaningful. Feeling things strongly doesn't make me a freak. It makes me an artist.

-I don't need anyones approval to be happy. I MATTER. The best decisions I have ever made are the ones where people thought I was stupid for taking a risk.

- I will learn to love myself. It might take my entire life. But I am patient.

VALIDATION

This week is the theatre departments finals week, and today I had a final for my acting class. I was terrified but excited to show everyone what I had learned so far this semester. A lot of upper classman were there, and I was ready to show these people that I have become a much stronger actor than I have ever been before. I was really happy with my performances, and there are very few things that I would have done differently. But after the whole final was over I felt very empty. Hollow. It was like I was reaching for something but there was nothing there. And the emptiness later turned into pretty solid depression.

I watched the upperclassman perform their peices and, as always, was in awe of their brilliance. Afterwards I was telling some of my friends how great they did...... and thats when I realized what was wrong. I had absolutely no REAL satisfaction with my performance because I didn't feel validated. No one had come up to me and told me I was brillinat, or that they were surprised by my performance, or even that I had potential. All I got was "good job" or "good work" in passing from a few people which we all know is always just something nice people say. Which is FINE... I mean i shouldn't need that validation.....but why did it hurt so much?? I had all these expectations for myself. I expected that everyone would be shocked that the nerdy skinny boy would be able to act. I expected people to cry because I gave a performance that was very near and dear to my heart. I expected people to be moved. And as far as I'm aware none of those things happened.

As I was walking to my car from the Performing Arts Building I started thinking about how sad it is that I need validation so badly that it affects my self worth. I felt genuinly awful and almost abandoned. WHY? I mean, after all,  have come so far in this short semester. I have learned so many things and I know that I did the best I possibly could. Why do those things matter more when someone else is saying it? And then I started thinking about all the other ways I look for validation in life. The way I dress, the way I act, the way I make sure I'm friends with everyone, and the way I do EVERYTHING I do to please my audience and my professors. The way I tell people I'm fine when I'm not. The way I write my blog so everyone thinks I'm wise. The way I make sure I have lots of pictures on facebook so that everyone will think that I have an amazing social life. The way I die inside everytime I hear people tell me that they are dissapointed in me for leaving BYU. The way my heart drops when my blog has "0 comments" written on the bottom of a post I've had up for a week. The way my day is ruined when I have "0 text messages" at the end of a long day of school. And the way I feel abandoned when I have "0 notifications" on my facebook page. ITS GROSS!!!

Why is it that the only thing that makes me feel ok is when someone validates me? When somone tells me I look great. When someone says they like my jacket. When someone tells me they are proud of me. When someone says I'm cute, talented, funny, kind, a good friend. When someone writes on my facebook wall. When someone texts me just for fun. When someone reads my blog and leaves a comment. WHY does that instantly make my life better... and worth living?

The most amazing choices I have made are ones that everyone else thought was crazy. First of all choosing performing as a career. And most recently leaving BYU for the U. Those decisions have made me happier than any kind of approval every could. I realized while walking back to my car that having other people validate me is only a temporary high. Doing things for myself is what has changed my life. I have truly never had the independence and sense of stability that I have now. I amazing friends, I love school, I love the work I'm doing, I love the people I have met, and I love the skills I have aquired. So who cares about all the bull shit compliments inbetween??

Today a girl name Olivia gave a beautifiul reading of Robert Frosts, "The road not taken." I know everyone knows it, but its still one of my favorite poems. I realized while thinking back on that poem today that I myself have quite often taken the road less travled. And the experiences that I have had WITHOUT validation are always the ones that have "made all the difference."

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

greatful

I started this thanksgiving break very depressed. I usually get that way when big events happen, I don't know why but holidays and birthdays always seem to be the hardest for me. So getting into the thanksgiving feel was hard for me. I was bitter and depressed so finding something to be GREATFUL for was irritating and impossible. I couldn't stop thinking about all the bad shit that happened over the past few months. How i feel like I'm getting worse. How I feel lonely. How I still can't sleep ever since my september 19th incident. But strangely enough going through my facebook profile was a HUGE reality check for me. I started looking through all my pictures. Seeing my friends and the amazing experiences I've had over the past three months made me realize that I'm greatful. I'm greatful that I'm alive.

I started thinking about the fact that I could very easily not be here today. I mean three months ago I was almost deat. Its a miracle that I'm here as a matter of fact. And knowing how simply life can be taken away made me realize how glad I am that I have it. Even when it sucks. Even when it hurts. Those moments betwen where I love life get me throuh. The times when I laugh till I cry with Karli and Alex. Or have a girls night in with Michael or Jessa. Those days where I dance until I am sore for days, and sing until I can barely speak. The days when I perform and live my life to the fullest. Its days like those that make crying at night, walking through graveyards, and staying up all night in cold sweat seem ok. Because I still have so much to live for. There is so much life out there and I am so GREATFUL that i'm here to live it.

My night with the baby blizzard

I love storms. I get really nervous excited when I hear things like THERE IS A BLIZZARD COMING! I love it. So naturally I was real excited today when they canceled classes for this "huge" storm. So I got real excited and prepared myself by spending a lot of money on junk food and christmas movies so that I could spend my night with friends staying warm while the scary storm came. Well it turns out that the storm wasn't that scary. So like I ususally do when I get really anxious with nothing to do... I went for a walk! Thats right I took a stroll right through the "biggest blizzard in 10 years." I decided to walk to my favorite thinking spot. The cemetary three blocks north of my house.

When I reached the cemetary I started to notice how quiet the streets were. There was no one around. The snow was falling lightly. No cars. Nothing. I made the first footprints in the freshly fallen snow along the pathways through the giant graveyard. The thing I love about walking through there is the amazing peace that comes from being in that place. I don't think they're creepy or scary. They're beautiful. In real life my head is constantly spinning with thoughts of anxiety or depressioin. But in that place there is a quiet peace that not even my head can interrupt. Being there puts things into perspective. This life is short. We all end up in the same place. A quiet peaceful field. And for some reason that thought makes me want to live the happy moments in life to the fullest, and remember that the bad ones are only a moment. I realized lots of things as I stood there. I miss out on the joys of life. I am focusing all of my energy into the fact that I feel lonely and like I will never be in a real relationship. I focus on all the things I have to get done. The papers to write, how behind I am, how much work I have to do in order to have a successful career.... I forget how to breath sometimes. I don't take in the beautiful things in life. And tonight I stood in what I think is one of the most beautiful places on earth and really took it in. And  I can't describe how incredible it was. So I stood in the middle of what is probably miles of graves, completely alone, in the snow and started singing. I don't really know who I was singing to. Maybe someone was listening. Or maybe it was just for me. But I sang my very favorite songs. "Somewhere over the rainbow", and "there's a place for us" from west side story. For me that place over the rainbow with peace, quiet, and open air is the state of mind I was in tonight. That place in my head where I am calm. Where I am ok. Where I'm not confused, lonely, or afraid. Thats what I felt in that place and thats what I strive for always.

Life is like the sad little blizzard that scampered past us tonight. All the big scary things that come our way seem so terrifying. We panic. We prepare. We anticipate. And usually when the big scary things hit.... we make it through... and its not as bad is we thought. And even when it is bad we aren't alone. We have friends to snuggle up with and drink hot chocolate while the scary storm passes by. Thats the peace, quiet and open air over the rainbow that I'm talking about. So there is a place for us. Its with the people we love, living life to the fullest. And somehow, someway we'll make it through all the blizzards life throws at us.

AM I GOOD ENOUGH YET??

From the time we are children, we are taught to do things for the approval of others. We walk when someone claps for us. We go to the bathroom in the toilet to get a candy bar from mom. We write letters and numbers so our first grade teacher doesn't get mad. We dress well so othe people will think we are attractive. We learn algebra so we can get into college. We go to college so that we can get a peice of paper that tells OTHER people we are good enough for a job.

In a world where pleasing others is what we are trained to do, how on earth are we supposed to find self satisfaction and self worth??? I sit awake all night thinking about how no one is ever gonna want to date me. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not mature enough. I don't have a good enough personality for THEM. I think about my career. Casting agents are going to hate my little arms. They won't think I have a big enough range to make it. They won't want to take someone thats a bad dancer like me. I think about my family and friends. What if they don't like the decisions I make? What if they think my clothes are ugly? What if they think I'm headed down the wrong path? What if they aren't REALLY proud of me? What if they are talking about me when I'm not around about how awful I am?

On my quest for finding self worth I have run into this problem... I don't have time to think about what I love about myself becase I am too busy making sure everyone else loves me first. So what do I do about it?... seriously I have no idea. But I'm going to experiment with this:

I am making personal satisfaction goals. I am making them into three categories. APPEARANCE/DATING. CAREER. FAMILY/ FRIENDS. Under each category I will write where I want to be in each area. for example:
APPEARANE/DATING: I want to be in good enough shape that I would be confident enough to ask someone out.
CAREER: I want to feel comfortable enough with my abilities as a dancer that I could walk into a dance audition and feel confident enough to go full out.
FAMILY/FRIENDSI will be the kind of person I want to be and then let my family see how great that really is.

i will probably go a little deepr than that in my personal notebook but you get the idea. you are welcome to play along with me if you so choose! well see how this goes.

Post Secret

My friend and I went to get hot chocolate and read at good old barnes and noble the other day and she introduced me to this book that has become my new obsession. Its called POST SECRET. Its this book made up of post cards that people send in with their biggest secrets written on them in an artistic way. And they are anonymous. And it amazed me how many of the post cards I completely connected with.

I SPEND MORE TIME IN PRACTICE ROOMS THAN I DO OUTSIDE.

I STILL BELEIVE IN MY CHILDHOOD DREAM.

I THINK I'M BEAUTIFL... AND I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO AGREES.

I OCCUPY THE SIDE OF MY BED WITH RANDOM STUFF SO AT NIGHT I FEEL LIKE I'M SLEEPING NEXT TO SOMEONE.

and those are just the more inspirational ones. There are a lot of heart breaking tragic ones that I connected with.. but I'll keep those ones more private :)

Anyone can send in a card. They give you the address on the back of the book. You just send it to the address and don't put down a return address. Like I said they are completely anonymous.

So I have six post cards I'm sending in. I might come up with more. But I think the idea is beautiful. I will send in my big secrets. Things that no one knows. And in doing so I will try to let go of those things and not let them weigh me down. And hopefully someone somewhere will see them and connect. And not feel as alone as they did before. Just like I did when I sat in barnes and noble last week.

http://www.postsecret.com/

Am I Getting Worse??

I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 18 years old. Almost a year ago. So I don't know exactly how the mental illness thing works really but lately I have felt like my symptoms are getting stronger. I don't mean lately like within the past few weeks, but within the past few months. Ever since about June of this year I have started noticing signifigant manic episodes and depressive weeks. Now I have no idea if bipolar disorder can get worse as you get older or not BUT I have decided to try and take matters into my own hands either way.

When I was seeing my old therapist this summer I had what was called a MOOD TRACKING BOOK. I would write down my symptoms for the day. I would write if I was depressed or manic, what I thought triggered the emotion, and what I did with that emotion. Then we would discuss it at our weekly meetings. And ever since then, even though I have done away with the book, I have been mood tracking. I think about how I'm feeing constantly. Am I manic? Depressed? Mixed? So maybe I'm not getting worse... maybe I am just focusing my energy on the wrong things. If I give power to the things I focus on....then focusing on feeling awful all the time is gonna make me feel awful.. ALL THE TIME. So I am doing away with mood tracking! Instead of focusing on my feelings for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on life! I want to focus on experiences and the journey I'm on. Most of the time the feelings I have are workable. I can get out of bed if I really push myself, and I can get through the day even if I have stayed up all night manic. So I'm not going to bother worrying about it if I can get through life just fine anyway. My emotions can't control my life anymore. I can't be the biploar kid who tracks his life based off manic or depressive weeks. I don't want to look back on the month and think.. oh well I was depressed for the past four days, but before that I was manic for seven. I want to look back on my life and think.. I had an amazing night with my friends last night, then the week before I got a lot of homework done and did a lot of practicing because I had tons of energy. I think if I start to focus my energy in the right direction I won't feel like I'm getting worse. And who knows maybe I'll start to feel a tiny bit better.

jealousy

I have an amazing group of friends. I love them so much. They are beautiful, talented, sweet, loving, and the list goes on. But here is the problem..... i am a very competetive person and I get jealous very easily. So when someone gets the part, when someone is better at something than me, when all of my friends are cuter than me, and when my friends date and i .... don't :) I get angry. And it keeps me up at night.

I had no idea what my solution to this problem was going to be until I looked up the word jealousy on google to spell check. The wikipedia definition says that jealousy is negative thoughts and feelings of INSECURITY. So what is the answer to getting past jealousy.... find a way to quit being insecure.... i'll get back to you on that one.

Wallowing in my own sorrow

Have you ever been laying in bed, or sitting alone and started re-living a really painful memory? You think through ever single detail that made it so awful, and occasionally add things to the story to make yourself feel more powerful and changing the ending of the story so you feel better. I do this ALL THE DAMN TIME. And something I've noticed is that even when I change the ending to the story, or add in a clever line that I thought of days later.. I still feel crapy when the story ends. Reality still exists. And  I know that the story truly didn't end that way. So why do I do it? Why lay in bed thinking of the bad things that have happened? ....Truthfully I have no solid answer to that question. I just know that I do it. And I know LOTS of people do it. And for me sometimes bad things don't even have to happen for me to get this way. Sometimes when I get depressed I just start making up situations that haven't even happened. I MAKE UP SAD STORIES!! How dumb is that? And if I can't come up with a good one I can always fall back on the attempted suicide story to make me feel awful. The only logical explination for this is that I'm a sick person and I enjoy tourturing myself!!!.... actually sort of... but its more complex than that.

I think a part of me enjoys being depressed. WHAT?!? I know it sounds weird but hear me out. I think we all do this. Its nice to feel like I have a reason to run away from life and be sad. Sometimes its nice to have people feel bad for you. Sometimes its nice to feel bad for yourself. THE PROBLEM is when I go overboard. Taking a weekend to eat icecream with friends and have a good cry is GREAT for satisfying the need to feel bad for myself. But thats not the issue. The issue is forcing myself to live in the painful past.
 staying up all night re-living bad decisions as a form of self punisment. If I force myself to re-live those terrible things they will never happen again right?? WRONG! Bad things happen and it only takes a moment to learn from them. Not years. I don't have to lay awake at night thinking about how scary the hospital is to know that I never want to go back. The day I spent there and the few days after are all I need. So why do I find myself going back to the hospital every night in my fantasies? Its because I want to go back and add in the things I should have done so badly! I want to change the ending. I want to say the right things. I want to fix it all and since I don't have a time machine I will do it in my head for the rest of my life! ... I don't think thats healthy so here's what I'm gonna do.

Next time a memory pops into my head I'm going to allow myself to go there. I can't block it or run from it because that only gives it power. I will let myself remember what happened, understand why it popped into my head. And i WON'T change the ending. I won't add in the clever lines. I will embrace the reality of my past and MOVE ON. Living in the moment is NOT as easy as it sounds. People tell me to do it all the time, and the truth is I don't really know how. But I know that you can't run from the past...... and you can't live in the past .... so maybe I just need to learn to accept it when it comes to mind and focus on the day ahead when it doesn't.

What if it just sucks?

I have tried for three days to come up with a good post. I usually write three or four sentances and realize I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about. I mean a lot of things have happened emotionally for me this past week... but i haven't really found a lesson yet. I was getting really frustrated with myself for not finding a clever little moral to post on my blog... then i realized....

Sometimes life can just SUCK, and thats ok! Sometimes I get manic and make bad decisions, ignore people, say rude things, forget my therapy appointments, dance classes, and plans with friends. Sometimes I get depressed and ignore everything I have to get done. And someimes i get a little of both in me and wander around the avenues for hours like a zombie ;)  The beautiful thing about life is no matter how bad it sucks... IT STILL GOES ON. And when I make it through a hell week, I can be confident that it can only get better.  This week I have had the craziest ups and darkest lows at really strange times. I've been re-living the past and stressing about the future. I have layed around doing nothing for hours... then ran around salt lake alone like a chicken with its head cut off. But guess what? Shit happens. So what do I do? Give up? NO! I aplogize to the people i have ignored/said stupid things to,  accept the pain that I have felt, and embrace the fact that this week was hell and move past it.

I ended up stressing  myself out more than was nessisary trying to find this big deep answer to my weeks trials. So this week I have no advice to give except YOU'LL BE OK!   IT GETS BETTER!!  and YOU ARE BLESSED. Now I'm not very religious but there is a song that popped into my head that I sang when I went to church that applies to all human beings reguardless of religious affiliation... COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS name them one by one, and see what god has done. There is always a possibility that life is gonna suck, and there's not always a huge life lesson to be learned from it, but there is ALWAYS goodness and hope to live for.

DiStOrTeD REALITY

So this week I want to talk about a problem that kind of rules my life a lot of the time. Its my ability to distort reality. My ability to take a problem or situation and change it and truly beleive it. Its a scary thought right? The idea that things aren't really what they seem. Well it happens to lots of people, myself included.

I was talking with my therapist (re -occuring theme much?hehe) and I was telling him about some things that had happened in my life. I told him a story about someone I cared deeply for dropping me like a rock and not caring about me anymore and ruining my self worth. I told him how much I wanted to go back to the times when I was really happy. When I was loved. When I mattered to someone. Then a huge realization moment happened for me. That story I told him was completely false. What really happened wasn't like that at all. I had created it.

My thereapist proceeded to talk me through some steps in my "thought record." I told him the event and how my body really reacted to its. The physical sensations first. I told him I have adreneline, head rushes, stomach cramps, head aches, dizzyness. Then the thoughts that went through my head. I am NOT good enough, i am NOT worth it, I am NOT good looking, i am going to be lonely FOREVER. Then how much I beleived them. 100%. Then he asked me to recognize what REALLY happened. A very close friend was HONEST with how they felt about me and their relationship with me. How should I have felt about that event? content that the situation was honest and heartfelt, UNDERSTANDING that it was no ones fault but that things don't always work out the way we want them to. What is an appropriate way to feel about that? SAD, and dissapointed.

Now throughout that entire session I relived the experience i had. my anxiety levels were very very high and i wanted to run out of the room. But after we got through talking out how my body reacted and how i distorted my reality then RECOGNIZED ACTUAL REALITY my anxiety levels dropped to about 20%.

Its funny how I create a lot of my problems. My brain tells me i'm worthless and ugly, and my body reacts the same way someone should react to a death in the family over something very ordinary. ONCE AGAIN i know not everyone is bipolar. But I know people, I watch people, and I know that people do this every day. Its easier to beleive things are worse than they actually are. Over reacting is theraputic in a really sick way way... but its not really healthy. Sometimes we can make ourselves feel more important by making our problems bigger. Or we can get more sympathy if our lives seem really hard. Sometimes its just the self satisfaction of knowing that we got through something "really painful" that makes us over react. And in some cases its out of our control how our bodies react to minor situations. I'm pretty sure every single one of those circumstances apply to me in one way or another. What I really have to do is learn to recognize when I'm distorting my reality and shift my view. A lot of the time using logic helps. Ask yourself how severe the situation really is, and how you SHOULD react to it. And strangly enough when you tell yourself how you should feel... your body listens. 

One Month Mark

I seriously can't beleive its been one month since I went into the hospital! But don't worry this post isn't about lingering on that day, its about the short month that followed that day.

My goal after all that happened was to gain self worth and to find out who I really am. Those goals ended up being much more difficult than I expected and I still have a long way to go. But this is what I've figured out thus far...

The first step in gaining self worth is loving yourself enough to LET YOURSELF truly experience life. For so long I ran away from what I was feeling. I refused to let myself REALLY feel for a very long time. When I was in the hospital and after I was discharged I was so busy telling everyone I was fine and playing the entertainer that I forgot to freak out about it. It wasn't until a few weeks later that my mind started grasping what acutally happened. When I started dealing with it I got really uncomfortalble and tried to put it out of thought for a while. Buteventually I couldn't run anymore.  I had a night where I let myself cry and feel all the regret and pain that I needed to. Actually I had a couple nights. And after that I felt an incredible weight lifted. Once I let myself feel the pain from that experience I was able to move past it quicker. Its like what I do to get through being bipolar. I let myself begin to experience the emotions that my brain chemicals tell my body to feel and then I channel those feelings toward something productive. I have to FEEL it not run. But i wasn't really doing that with life experiences. I shut off when bad things happen. I run scared. But by facing them head on and embracing them I can get through things quicker! So what does that have to do with loving myself? I was holding myself back from life. I have to love myself enough to let myself experience pain and in effect enjoy the happiness that comes from moving past it.  I have to let myself experience life to the fullest. Life experiences are what make us who we are, so by holding myself back I am missing out on the things that will shape who I really am. Which brings me to my next point!.....

I was thinking about who i REALLY am on and off through the month (mostly because i blogged about it so it was on my mind). And I was discussing it with some friends this past weekend saying that I really didn't know who was. Even after all these big life events happened, and I had started to learn to love myself for real.... I didn't REALLY know....and they (two truly amazing human beings) told me something that I will never forget. The explained to me that KNOWING WHO YOU ARE ISN'T NESSISARY. Life is about the journey! Its about life experience molding you and shaping you. Its learning new things about what you beleive and what you are capable of! So if I know who I am completely... where do I have to go from there? What is the point of life if I'm not learning, changing, and growing? The thing that makes life beautiful is the idea that we get to continually progress and learn every day. So WHO I AM will change with each day and each new experience. ... Now you might be thinking... but if who you are changes every day what keeps you grounded?? MY NEW FOUND SELF ASSURANCE! (see how it all ties together nice?) No matter what life throws at me, or how much my beleifs and ideas change, I will always have the foundation that I love me no matter what.

So my goal has changed. I will no longer search for who I am. I will love myself by living life to the fullest and letting those experiences shape me. So... I don't know who I am.... but that is what makes life exciting and beautiful.

ADMIRABLE?

Recently I received a message from an old aquaintance who said that he had previously looked up to me, but had lost all respect for me lately. He felt that I had changed completely and that he wanted to be the opposite of what I had become, despite the fact that he used to want to be just like me. Now when I first got this message I was a mess. At first I got mad and sent my usual catty text back to make myself feel powerful, but then I felt incredibly guilty and wanted nothing more than to figure out what I could have done to make this person hate me so much, and how I could change and apolgize. Unfortunately I had just come down from a four day manic period that day, so getting that message triggered a fairly severe few days of depression and self loathing. It wasn't until I saw my therapist the following week that I figured out something amazing!

I told my therapist that little story and how it had affected me and he asked me "does this person know you very well?" and I told him no. He then proceeded to make me feel better by telling me that I shouldn't be hurt by ignorant people who don't know me. Then I started talking about why I don't deserve to be looked down on.. and I realized something almost profound... the people that I admire most ARE NOT perfect. The most AMAZING people I know are completely messed up. I'm talking metnal disorders, familiy problems, physical disabilities, deaths in the family, drug addicts, etc. They have PROBLEMS!  Worse than mine by far! They make mistakes, sometimes they even say bad words (GASP) but the thing that makes me want to be like them is their ability to work through the shit in their lives. They still function despite all their problems, and not just FUNCTION but ENJOY LIFE. They are people who despite their problems, still have time to care for other people, and still love themselves despite their setbacks. Forget about talent, good looks, charm, perfect grades, perfect church attendance blah blah blah. I would rather be like the man who openly admits that he was a heroin addict and is trying to not go back to prison becuase he LOVES his life partner too much to leave him, than a man who lives his life trying to keep up a facade of perfection.

 I look up to people that can admit that their wrong when they're wrong, but stand up for themselves when it is nessisary. So this time i'm not going to follow my usual rout of apologizing and putting blame on myself to make everyone like me better, I'm defending the fact that I am, for the first time in my life, beginning to like myself. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want over the past few months, so yes, a few things about me are different. But here's what isn't different : I still love people, i love helping people, I'm a good friend, I work hard at what I love, and I work through my problems and don't throw them on other people. So the people that throw all those traits aside and still think I'm a bad person becuase I don't go to church every sunday and say bad words sometimes aren't worth getting depressed over. I love me. And THAT is the most admirable trait a person can have.

Self Worth

So I'm still on the path to SELF WORTH. And tonight I realized how far I have to go. The story itself is too personal for the internet, and really isn't that cool anway, but all you need to know is I got a friendly reminder that I have no idea how to not let people affect me.
The one thing I have learned this past week is that I need to stop thinking "i don't need to be needed, I don't need to be loved" because EVERYONE feels that. Its normal. The most amazing feeling in the world is knowing that you are important to somebody. MY problem was I thought it had to be something bigger that it actually does. I have a HUGE support group that not only loves me but NEEDS me. I have friends that love me enough to distract me from my problems by making me dress up like a white trash hick and have a dance party at my freaking apartment! If thats not love I don't know what is! And I am lucky enough to be the peroson that some people confide their problems in. THAT my friends is the most beautiful way to feel needed.
So my conclusion is: When you think you are alone, chances are you are not. Just look at your facebook wall and see how many people WANT to communicate with you. Call a friend that really listens and understand that that is LOVE. And the next time someone texts or calls and tells you about their bad day, recognize that that is more than just love it is being needed. And even if it doesn't make you feel better immediately it is definately enough to keep you from swallowing a truckload of pills! hehe (I'm gonna start joking about it just laugh and pretend you're not uncomfrotable). :)

A FINE FINE LINE

So I have been thinking lately about that little motto I love by of "NO SECRETS EVER" and I realized that I don't really do it. I am open with the facts but not with my feelings. There are usually only two or three people that truly know how I feel because I don't like the idea of bringing other people down with me. So my little conflict for the week is : When does my self expression go from a healthy outlet to an obnoxious wight bringing people down?
I have always done my best to make sure that other people don't suffer because of my stupid illness. Its completely unnessisary. But lately doing that has made my life more painful. And I know people always say, "i'm so ready to listen" or "you could never irritate me with your feelings" but the truth is it would. People say that they don't think they would be bothered if I just acted exactly how I felt because they have never had to deal with it before. And I truly beleive they wouldn't be able to handle it. Its just too much. And I will never be comfortable putting that kind of pressure on anyone.

So what do I do? I get stuck in this people pleasing place where I can't express how I really feel. I can't tell people to get away from me when they irritate me. I can't tell people that I REALLY would rather not have a hug right now. It scares me. Should it? where does being honest become being impolite? I have no answer. If you do let me know. And when I figure it out I will most definately post about it!

"Light" - Next to Normal

Reflecting

So its been one week since my little accident, and I am still shaken from it. They say that time heals all wounds... well I am not very patient. I am so ready to move on and forget all of this. But I know I am not done learning from it yet. So many people tell me that I need to "live in and for the moment" over and over, but that is so much easier said than done. I live in the past on a regular basis. And lately I live in the past almost constantly. But here is why I need to learn to live for the now:

Today at about 12 o'clock, instead of injesting 14,000 mg of lithium, i was in the mountians in Sundance with my family. I was in a living hell one week ago, and today I should have been close to heaven. I was able to feel the happiness of my time with my family in a beautiful cabin, with beautiful scenery for a few minuets at a time, but not fully. I kept going back to the things that hurt. The things that keep me up at night. I HAVE to learn to live in the moment or I will keep missing opportunities to experience real happiness. In one of the most beautiful places on earth (in my opinioin) I was still seeing and feeling a cold emergency room, a dark bedroom all alone, or a lonely bench in front of my apartment.

I have been off medication since my stomache was pumped, and I have been feeling the full effects of my disease. I thought for a while that the medicine was clouding my happiness, and that I would be off medicine in a matter of months. But after this week I know that I am no where near that. Once again I am being impatient. Healing takes time. More than just a few months.

But being off my medicine and being with my family this weekend reminded me of something. LIGHT. The few moments of joy I experienced this weekend are my light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is all I have to live for. I used to live for other people. I invested EVERYTHING in people. Well guess what? PEOPLE SUCK. People let you down, and hurt you without even knowing it. So my new investment is that LIGHT. I am going to dedicate the next few months of my life to finding that LIGHT, the joy and fulfillment that I deserve to feel. Love and happiness that aren't clouded by images of a hospital, a pill bottle, heartbreak, or a disease.

well here it is

I am really nervous about this post. I am not nervous to share my story, I am nervous that people will think I'm sharing it for the wrong reasons. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or attention. I'm posting this story because it has become one of the most defining moments of my life. I have learned a lot from it already and its only been days since it happened. My hope is that I can help anyone who feels they have no hope, or that their lives are out of control.

On sunday, September 19th I lost control and attempted to end my own life. I had manic episodes for several days in a row and on sunday morning I felt that I had nothing left to live for and injested 14000 milligrams of lithium along with all other medication I had in my cubbord. I layed down to sleep after taking the pills and about two minuets later jolted up and realized that it was a mistake and called 911. I spent the next 24 hours in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. I have spent the rest of the week on bed rest. I can't eat solid food still, my lithium levels are still too high so I get dizzy and nauseous very easily, and since I can't eat solid food I am very weak.

The first thing I learned from this experience was that I didn't have as much control as I thought I did. I got cocky. You can see from my last post that I thought everything was going great. So great, that I quit seeing my therapist and just popped a xanex in whenever I started freaking out. I am now on new medication for bipolar 2, and obsessive compulsive behavior and am getting into a new therapist. I always have to be ready for an episode and I wasn't. I didn't respond to the panic the way I usually do, I just let it take over me and unfortunately it was so severe that suicide was the result.

The second big lesson actually came from my mother. She asked me after we got home from the hospital, if she had called would it have made a difference? would i have stopped had she called? and the answer was simply, no. I would have lied or ignored the call. I explained to her that I am the only one that can save me. I am in charge of my emotions and this disease I have is my responsibility. I hadn't been taking responsibility for it, I ignored it, and then when I had a very slight upsetting day I lost my mind.

The third lesson is that SELF WORTH is at the root of my problems. I cling to people, places, and things so much that when they are taken from me, or leave I can't handle it. I cling so hard because I don't have self assurance and love. How do you get that? I have no idea, but I intend to find out. I am hoping therapy will help me discover it. No matter how many people tell me they love me, or compliment me, I don't ever truly beleive it or take it in. I beleive once I can learn to truly love and accept myself I won't be so dependent on others.

Ok so thats the story. Once again I want NO "oh jaron i'm so so sorry"'s happening. I just want people to be aware that these things happen so easily. Be on your guard. If you or a friend shows any kind of sign that they might be losing control, or feeling depressed so severely that they won't snap out of it. DON'T let them be alone. And if YOU feel out of control, just know that the pain you experience through doing something like this isn't worth it. I came about as close to death as someone can this past week. And in the short moments when I thought I was going to die on the way to the hospital I was full of regret. Its never worth it. And if you do live, the emergency room and hospital will make you wish you were dead. There is no happy ending to suicide, or attempting. Don't do it for attention cause it hurts too much, just ask for help. If you feel like you might lose control (like me) then keep yourself in safe places. Surround yourself with people no matter how difficult and painful it is to be around them. You will be greatful in the long run. And if you feel like life simply isn't worth living anymore, I promise you that if you seek help you will learn to find the beauty and happiness in life. Everyone deserves life, and happiness including me. Even though I know its gonna be hard to find, I will keep looking for it.

Maybe it seems self indulgent to post about this so soon... it might be. But its making me feel better right now and thats all I really care about. I intend to keep talking about it and continue with my NO SECRETS policy. I feel like me keeping this from my online journal would contradict the reason I blog, TO LET PEOPLE LEARN FROM MY CRAZY LIFE AND SCREW UPS.

A little update.

So I have been here in good old Salt Lake City for a few weeks now and all I can say is I LOVE THIS PLACE! My classes are amazing, the friends I have made in the theatre department here are awesome, and as for my home life.... well you just have to see my apartment to understand how amazing it is, but trust me it rocks. Most of all I love who I am here. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin before. I feel like I got to start over and be exactly who I had always wanted to be. My panic attacks have become less frequent as well as my depressive states, thats not to say they have gone away, but still less frequent is an improvement. Last time I went to see the doctor I asked if I could try going off medication for a while becaue I really hate the way I feel on them. He told me that wouldn't be smart yet, but if I felt an improvment in my situation after moving to Salt Lake City it could be a possibility. So I'm hoping that I will feel ready to try and step away from medicine this December but nothing is set in stone.

Now that I've got all the good news out of the way lets talk about how hard making this life happen was. FIRST of all giving up my place with the BYU Young Ambassadors was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know it sounds stupid cause to most people its just a performing group, but to me it was being apart of something bigger than me, being good enough, and getting the opportunity to travel accross the country. Giving that up hurt. And I have to admit that thought still keeps me up at night. SECOND leaving my provo friends sucks. Now I know I haven't really left them... they live a half hour away.. but still I used to see them every single day and I see them MUCH less than that now. LASTLY leaving the MDT program was scary as hell. It was a HUGE risk. The program has so much talent and credibility so writing my letters to my BYU professors killed me. BUT I had to choose my personal sanitiy over my career for once. And so far I don't regret that choice.... i just get haunted by anxiety attacks whenever I hear about byu stuff.. no big deal ;) 

I am SOOO excited for the next performance I'm taking part in! A touring company called Vox Lumiere is comming to Kingsburry Hall this october and doing a multi-media production of the Phantom of the Opera silent film while singing the opera (not the andrew lloyd webber version the REAL one) with a new rock and roll style. And the MTP program here was asked to be the back up choir for that! Yes ladies and gentleman I will be singing in Kingsburry Hall on October 8th!

so to conclude this random  update : I am so happy here in Salt Lake and I know I made the right decision comming here, but that doesn't keep me from having panic attacks when I think about what I left in provo..... and I'm singing in Kingsburry Hall.... and we got a broadway actor give a master class the other day in our voice class.... and stephen sondheim is comming... and new york agents are comming to master class our showcase... and i'm gonna be in Songs for a New world this spring..... and... ya thats all for now but there will be more cool stuff to come i assure you :)  

What happens in mexico .. stays in mexico... except when i blog about it.

So I just got back from my trip to Mexico with my family. We spent a week in Los Cabos, and our hotel was in Cobo San Jose. The trip was awesome! We went parasailing, horseback riding, scuba diving, played at the beach, and most importantly took lots of naps by the pool/ocean :) BUT I ended up taking home more than just a sunburn from my trip. Surprise surprise Jaron has another "life lesson" to share! But this one is cool !

         There were several times where I was truly humbled on this trip. This one was the most profound to me:
We were sitting on a bus after a fun day at the beach. And I had been loudly complaining about how my skin was peeling because of my sunburn and saying that I "looked like a freaking leper!" After about ten minuets of quietly sitting on the bus I started to do what I always do in a bus... evesdrop on everyone elses conversations. And I couldn't help but overhear one mans conversation (he was seriously a loud guy). I noticed that he was getting to know everyone on his row and introducing himself and his family to everyone. I was amazed at not only his kindness, but his willingness to REALLY get to know people. Not just the surface "how are you" crap we usually do. Then as we were getting ready to head off the bus and I turned back to see the loud man I had been listening to, and when I saw him my heart just sunk. The man had been badly burned all over his face and the left side of his body. Very few facial features were recognizeable on his right side, and on the left side there were no facial features at all. I looked down at the hand he had been greeting people with and saw a small mishaped nub with four fingers on it.
             
This man had every reason to hide quietly in the back of the bus... but he didn't. He wasn't concerned with superficial things, he just wanted to talk to people and make friends. I thought back on how I had been loudly complaining about my skin peeling off my forhead and started to feel sick with regret. NEVER again will I complain about stupid superficial things that don't matter. Its my new goal to take care of my body and appearance without obsessing over it. And beyond that I want to emulate that mans willingness to get out there and meet people. If someone like that can put themselves out there with no shame, no hiding, and no fear, what could possible hold ME back? 

Just a little something to ponder on :)

A little explaining

Remember that one time i was like "hey i'm going to byu this fall" and then like two days later i was like "hey...just kidding".... ya that was cool. I blame it on the bipolar thing (even though that really has nothing to do with it heh). Well here is a little explanation.

The biggest reason I decided to transfer to the University of Utah is pretty simple. I MATTER. I was staying at BYU because it has a world class Music Dance Theatre training program and decided to try my best to ignore the things that I couldn't tolerate. There were a lot of things at BYU that just simiply weren't right for ME. (i'm not byu bashing i explain in my final paragraph be patient) I have never been overly religious for starters. I had a difficult time having the church thrown in my face a lot. It works for some people and thats awesome, but it pushed me away from it. I am also not really comfortable being myself there. Like many others I had to hide who I really am in order to fit in and meet the criteria of the schools standards. And potentially lying to faculty and administration is someting I will never be comfortable doing.

 During my year at BYU I learned a lot as a performer. I cherish the education I had there and I really don't regret it. But being there for a year, and being diagnosed bipolar/lots of other personal life drama, taught me that I have to care for my personal life ALONG WITH my career in order to maintain some sanity. And my personal life at BYU wasn't what I needed. I need openess, communication, acceptanence, self exploration, and freedom. I didn't find those things in Utah Valley.

One of the best ways to battle depression and low confidence is to learn to truly love yourself. And as I was pondering how to do that I kept asking myself this question: "How can I learn to love and accept myself if I have to hide it?" For me to grow as a performer I have to be comfortable with who I REALLY am. And that didn't happen for me at the Y. In fact the opposite happened. I began hating myself and trying to change to fit someone elses mold. Well that is NOT happening anymore.

The University of Utah MTP program may not have the same reputation as BYU MDT yet but what it does have is an opportunity for me to study from the world renound Ballet Department , the incredible Actors Training Program, and the first class Vocal Department.I get to take summer intensive classes in NY with some of the top schools in the country, and work consistantly with Broadway Casting Agents and other professionals in the classroom throughout my four years and then showcase in New York for those agents I'll have worked with along with those they invite. (don't ask how they got all this stuff just know dave schmidt is magic somehow makes things like this happen) And along with that I get to be myself and HOPEFULLY learn to love ME a little more.... and take further steps toward healing from my super annoying mental illness :)

I don't want this post to be a BYU bashing one. I LOVED a lot of things about BYU and I completely respect it, the faculty and students. I made some of the best friends that I have EVER had while I was there and I really did have a good time. BYU is a great school, it just wasn't the right fit for me.

DECISIONS... again

The great thing about decisions is... they don't always have to be final. So .... University of Utah here I come.

Shifting My Focus

Anyone who is close to me will tell you that I am quite possibly the most flaky person to ever have walked the face of the earth. I pinky promise I am not that way because I hate my friends, or because i don't care about people. I tend to become a hermit when I get into a depressed state and sometimes that lasts for hours, days, minuets, I never really know. I have been in and out of that sort of state fairly severely for the past couple of weeks. And unfortuantely, because of that I have left a lot of friends alone when they needed me. So I have made a new goal for myself!

I am shifting my focus off of me. I've realized that the times I am most depressed are the times I sit and think about myself. And yes sometimes its healthy to have time for yourself and you can't ignore your own problems... but still, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget yourself. I love the Christian idea that service is the most important thing you can do. I thnk that is very true. There is no better way to show love than to be there for someone. And really there is no better feeling in the world than to know that you have helped a friend in need. I absolutely love being that person people feel they can go to and just talk about whatever. And I love to give advice to people (cue most of my blog entries... ya).

So from here on out I'm not going to let myself think about... myself (ya i couldn't think of a cooler way to put that) for more than a few hours in a day. I have to be looking for opportunites to give and help because I really think its one of the only ways we can find peace.

So there's another post about how I'm changing my life. Maybe this is getting a little old... but I think what makes our lives so amazing is the idea that we are continually progressing. We have our entire lives to become better and better people every day. So... if you so choose... PROGRESS WITH ME!!

DECISION MADE

So here is the story I didn't tell previously when I was asking for help on some decision making. I was thinking about switching to the University of Utah for their new Music Theatre Program after a broadway casting director (chris nichols) advised me to change schools. And while I have always kept the idea of transferring from BYU to a different school open, I was just very unsure about going to the U, and also leaving this year when I was just accepted into the Young Ambassadors. So after a lot of meditation, prayer, lack of sleep, stress, walking around both campuses, and crying. I decided it is in my best interest right now to stay at BYU at least for another year. I am SO looking forward to spending a year with the Young Ambassadors but I am still very much open to the option of leaving to a bigger school out of state just for the experience.

So here is what I learned from this whole decision making process:

- Sometimes your gut won't tell you what to do. I can't tell you how many people told me "just follow your gut", well guess what, my gut is affected by the 1200 mg of lithium and 60 mg of cymbalta I take every day so following my gut just isn't an option.
- Choices aren't always black and white. Truly there were just as many reasons for going to the U as there were going to the Y. I couldn't logic my way through it. There was no clear choice.
- Sometimes it truly DOESNT MATTER what you choose. I feel that I have the ability to find true happiness on whatever path I choose, so you can't think that by choosing "the wrong path" you are doomed to sorrow. Happiness is a gift that can ALWAYS be with you no matter where you are as long as you look for it.
-Even after a decision is made... you don't always feel relief. I was hoping that once i decided what I was doing with my year I would feel the weight drop and enjoy my summer again. But it didn't work that way. And i think it rarely does. There is always going to be fear and second guessing. My challenge now is to not let myself dwell on that. I have to live with the decision I made and look for the happiness my decision.

So the happiness I have come up with for my decision is this: I get to tour the country doing what I love with 19 amazing performers/friends. I get to meet amazing people and change their lives while they change mine. I get to be a part of something bigger than me and serve. I get to experience what it will be like to do a national tour. AND best of all I get to spend another year with my Taryn and Michael :) PLUS i get to keep all the friends in salt lake I have made PLUS I get to keep taking voice from the AMAZING David Schmidt cause i'm not letting that family out of my life just cause i'm moving to provo! So life is good. Confusing, irritating, and a bit of an emotion rollercoaster sometimes... but still very good.

CATCH ME I'M FALLING

Ya the title is from Next To Normal. Not original. But fitting.

My therapist once asked me "what does it feel like when you experience a fall from a manic state to a depressive one?" I couldn't answer the question at first. Truly its a very difficult feeling to explain but all I could compair it to was this: "its like when you go up to read a cast list after an audition and your body is full of energy and then whether the outcome of this list is good or bad your body and brain sort of just.... release. And then after that its a little different from the cast list thing. I feel no hope as my mind sort of falls out of an extreme high and crashes into a very dark place." I know it sounds crazy but thats the only way I can make it make sense out loud.

Ever since about three o'clock this afternoon I have been falling. And one thing I've been working on is really examining what my body goes through when I experience emotion and what helps. I haven't found a cure but I have found what helps ease the fall a little. Music. Its really the only thing in this whole world that can have complete control over my crazy emotions. All I have to do is turn on "september" by earth wind and fire and suddenly the emotional fall becomes more gradual. Less painful. And more managable.

Life can be hard sometimes. Its full of difficult decisions, painful memories, and heartache. But I've learned that sometimes the only thing in the whole world that can catch me when I'm falling is EARTH WIND AND FIRE. A song, a stupid little melody and some meaningless lyrics, can change my perspective in an instant. And suddenly life is full of  opportunities, learning experiences, and love. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfLEc09tTjI

DECISIONS

When I was eight if I wanted to do something I would ask my parents and they would tell me what to do. I didn't think much of it back then, its just the way it was. When I was twelve and I wanted to stay out late with my friends it wasn't my decision it was my parents'. Nothing was worse than that to me at the time. When I was seventeen I wanted to transfer last minuet to BYU instead of weber and my parents helped me set up a good way to make that happen. All my life I've relied on mommy and daddy to tell me what to do, to give me boundries, to help me decide. Now I'm faced with another huge decision and I realized I don't have that anymore. I'm an adult (sort of). I have to make my own decision. I would kill to be eight again. "mommy should i stay at byu?" and then she tell me what to do. It would be easier that way. There would be no option for regret if it wasn't on my shoulders.

Normallly my blog posts are about a life lesson I've learned from something in my life.. but I haven't learned the lesson yet. I'm still in the middle of the confusion. So this post is a cry for help. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm terrible at making decisions. Here are some things I've tried so far: talking about it, blogging about it, praying about it, writing pro-con lists, etc. And so far I can't come up with a good answer. So anyone who is reading this PLEASE tell me how you make big decisions in life! Give me advice! And then later when I figure out my life I'll share the WHOLE story i'm sort of avoiding telling the internet for now... and then explain my fabulous life lesson ;)

Dealing with Anxiety

So for the past little while I have been in sort of a daze/slump. After consulting with my doctor and therapist the decision was made to increase my dosage of lithium and cymbalta and add zanex to help my mood become more stable. Well guess what.. it worked. The problem was I wasn't me anymore. I was completely apathetic toward everything and too tired to get out of bed all day until I left for my show at 5. I missed voice lessons, doctor appointments, messages, physical therapy, therapy, you name it I blew it off. So I have come to the decision to go back to my old dosage (which still helped a little, but not a ton) and work harder with my therapist on overcomming my extreme anxiety and depression. So why am i boring you with my sappy story? Because beleive it or not EVERYONE has anxiety or depression to some extent and it is important to learn how to manage it!

So this is what I have been working on:

The first step to fighting anxiety/depression is finding what the triggers are. Sometimes (especially in cases of bipolar disorder) the triggers are difficult to find. But it is so important to recognize them! In my case my triggers have a lot to do with insults and insecurities. I get depressed when I am insulted at all. If someone doesn't like my shoes, thinks a note i sang sounded bad, ect. And I get very anxious if I feel insecure. I get extremely anxious when i am at parties, social gatherings, talking to people after shows, if i feel fat, my hair isn't right, or my clothes don't match etc.

So after you find the cause recognize the reality of the cause. 99.9% of the time there is very little truth or depth to what is giving you anxiety or depression. Look at me I am NOT fat, I am a people person, I have great hair, I can sing well.... but all the things that freak me out SOOO bad contradict those truths. And even if they are true, sometimes my clothes don't match right, does it really actually matter to anyone but me? will it make a difference on my life in the long run? NO.

After that distract yourself from it. Forget it. Have a good time, hang with friends, get work done, laundry, organize, i personally play that piano and sing to distract myself.

After you have distrated yourself for some time you are able to look back and see that what you were anxious or depressed about REALLY didn't matter at all. IT WANS'T YOUR LOGICAL BRAIN IT WAS YOUR ANXIOUS/DEPRESSED BRAIN.

It isn't easy to do all of this. Trust me I've been trying for weeks. But when I DO manage to get the steps down right I find an incredible amount of peace. Now I know that not everyone has emotional disorders, but it upsets me that the only people that get advice on how to make your life better are messed up people like me! ;) So to anyone who is reading this weather you are crazy or not PLEASE  apply this in your life. You will be astounded by what it can do for you.

Oh shoot... another sappy blog post from jaron.

So a few weeks ago after one of our rehearsals for the WEDDING SINGER (which opens this week i'm in the MWF cast come see it text me for more information) our director got up in front of us and asked "why do you do this? why perform?" And several members of the cast gave quick answers like "i love giving" and "i love the rush" and "i love making people happy." And I haven't been able to stop thinking about that moment because I really had to ask myself WHY do I do what I do. Why perform? Now those of you who know me know that once I get something in my head it NEVER leaves so I've been searching for the answer for a while and this is what I've decided :

I perform because I LOVE. Look at the answers other cast members gave above and what do they all have in common? LOVE. I love people, stories, music, dancing, dressing up, smiling, seeing other people smile, making people laugh, teaching someone a lesson, making someones day, changing someones life, putting ideas in peoples heads they might not have ever had before, singing my heart out, people clapping for me, feeling attractive, lights, sweating, working, learning, growing, discovering. and the list goes on and on.

I perform because it is my obligation to use the gifts I have been given to change lives. And in return I get SO much more than I deserve. I get to spend my life doing and studying the list above. Who could ask for anything more :)

CONTROL

I've been thinking a lot about what it really means to be in control of my life. Being Bipolar I have very little control over what emotions I feel, so it has been something I've been trying to understand better. What does it mean to to have total control over my life? Does that mean I have my month planned out? My Year? Or does that mean I decide when I'm happy and when I'm sad? And while I was visiting with my therapist today I realized that we don't really have control over very many things. The only thing we have control over is our actions. So what does that mean? That means it is MY responsibility to take control over the one thing I am able to tak control of and use it to make my world a better place. So this is what i pledge to do. (feel free to join me if you wish)

I pledge to keep my out of control emotions to myself and never bring others down with the way I'm feeling.
I Pledge to keep the rude comments and thoughts that pop into my head INSIDE my head and not act on them by saying hurtful things about others. I also pledge to keep the naughty words I think of (all too often) inside my head and not offend others with the foul things that pop into my scary little brain :)
I Pledge to help others reguardless of how I feel. No matter how depressed I am, or how manic I get, I will always be there to serve people who need help more than me.

That is what I learned from my weird life this week :) thanks for listening!

SIMPLY HILARIOUS

So we took some family pictures at this really cool wall in Neola on mothers day and they were super cute..... then when we put them up big..... we realized..... we look like communists. Yes ladies and gentleman that is a giant swastika next to my mothers head provided by the Ute tribe gangsters in Neola Utah. Just thought i'd share this photo... cause i think its hilarious and my last post was a little deep! :)

An Inspiring Moment.

The other day I went to get a smoothie with a new friend I have made this summer. As we got talking she started to tell me more about her personal life and some of the things she has gone through in the past few years. Now I've heard a lot of sad stories in my life, but as this girl told me the things that had happened to her I couldn't help but start to tear up. This girl has been through so much pain and lost so many friends over a really crudddy circumstance. For the sake of her own privacy I will not use her name or her circumstance but TRUST ME the girl has had it rough. But anyway here is the kicker, after she got through telling me the story she said this "but after all this ended I realized that this is what I have learned," and she began to explain to me how she is a better person because of the things she went through. This totally made me stop and think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! After the very few trials I have had to deal with how many times have I actually stopped to think "this is what I have learned from this." So I have decided to make it my new goal to find out what I'm supposed to learn from my trials. After all thats why we're all here right?? To learn and grow from what we have been given.

So these are some things I have learned from the past year:

God loves all of us the same amount, but he loves us differently. Dont' freak out I'm not trying to go against the scriptures or your sunday school teacher by any means! I just mean that I have learned that just as our trials are unique to what our spirits need to grow, Gods love is tailored to fit exactly what we need. God loved me enough to give me some trials that I will probably never overcome, but he gave me friends and family to help me get through it. So right when I start to think that God is picking on me, I have to think NO JARON! God isn't picking on you, he is just showing you how much he loves you in a way that most people wouldn't recognize.

BE A GOOD LISTENER. I have the best friends ever! But bless their hearts most of them are as messed up as me! And beleive it or not that is such a huge blessing for me! Not because I'm thinking "woah glad thats not me going through that" but because sometimes when I GIVE advice I am able to figure out how to help myself. And beyond that, there is nothing more gratifying that to know you have helped a friend in need. For real.

NEVER NEVER NEVER JUDGE! That is something that is all too common at the school I currently attend. Luckily for me I have been one that has been judged, and will probably continue to be because people don't know me or understand why I have made certin decision. Now I say LUCKILY because I am lucky that I understand how hurtful it is to be judged so I know that I will NEVER do that to another person.

PEOPLE ARE GOOD! Its really easy to think that the world is evil because we hear so much talk about the NATURAL MAN. But even though that doctrine is helpful...  it is SOOOOOOOOO important to remember that most people have good intentions! And if we start to treat others that way, maybe they will start living up to that expectation.

TEARS ARE THE BEST MEDICINE. I know thats not what the prase usually is but I totally beleive it! It is so easy for me to run away from my problms, laugh about them, and pretend they don't matter. BUT no matter how far or fast I run, or how good I am at acting like everything is ok, my problems will always be there. So instead of running from what hurts EMBRACE IT and let it hurt. You can't move past something  until you actually experience it.

The last and most important thing I have learned is that in the long run the only thing that matters is my loving family and friends. All the other things in the world could dissapear today and I would be content as long as I had my family to aruge with, my sadie to vent to, my ana to make fun of, my shawnee to make dirty jokes with, my taryn to cuddle with, my michael to talk to for hours about nothing, my lisha to laugh with, ... and well i have so many great people to list off I would take up too many pages :) but all in all these people are what make my life worth living!

NO PHONE ZONE!!!!

So those of you who know me know that I worship the ground that this woman

here walks on!!

So I have decided to make it my lifes work to do whatever Oprah wants me to! But i feel especially passionate about my latest oprah command because I just think it is something that I see way to often and it scares me real bad!! Oprah has issued a challenge to STOP TEXTING WHILE DRIVING!!! So she has asked everyone that is willing to sign her "No Phone Zone" contract! Basically you go online and sign a peice of paper that says you won't text while driving. Millions have participated including every guest Oprah has on her show! I love this woman, and I want her to be the president someday but I especially love this idea!! So everyone go to Oprah's website and search NO PHONE ZONE and become one of millions that are pledging to stop texting and driving!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

I got this in an email and thought it would be fun to share with mothers day comming up :)

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who

did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN

THIS is what a gym looks like when there are no people in it! thats what happened to me the other night at snap fittness! I walk in at eleven expecting at least four or five people there... but no one was there! not even the workers!

So I wandered around and found one of these in the back of the gym!

Thats right ladies and gentleman! an empty dance studio!!!! so.... I spent a half hour in the gym... and then spent an hour in a completely empty dance studio dancing like a crazy person with my ipod in and belting my face off!! it was pretty much the bomb. and afterword i got to relax in one of these!

 So I never never never though I'd hear myself say this but.... THANK GOODNESS I GOT A 24-7 GYM PASS FOR THE SUMMER!

Maybe working out won't be so bad afterall :)

I Will Never Use This Phrase!!

Ok I was just wasting my life away on facebook as usual for an afternoon with no job and no school when I got invited to join the group titled "Life Sucks; Then You Die." Now I have a lot of friends that use that little saying and I've even had teachers and leaders use it. I'm writing this blog post because I HATE that saying, and I think it is a completely destructive attitude to have. If life sucks then I die.... why bother? I've been through a time in my life where I had serious problems with depression and self destructive thoughts (before i got on my lovely bi polar pills) and I know what its like to think " life sucks then you die." But because I've been there, I can honestly say that there is hope! there is there is there is!! We all have trials, problems, and things that make life hard, but we all also have numberless blessings! It is what we focus on that makes us who we are, so do we focus on the negative and become negative people, or focus on our blessings and share love and happiness with the world???? 

So this is my plea to everyone that has ever used that terrible saying: next time the thought "life sucks; then you die" (or any thought like it) change it! Instead think of something like this: Life is a gift; and I will cherish every moment of it.

YOUNG AMBASSADORS

So I have some exciting news! I was accepted into the 2010-2011 company of the BYU YOUNG AMBASSADORS!!!!! For those of you who don't know what that is, its a group of some of BYU's most talented singers and dancers that put on a two hour musical review that travels all over the country to bring the love of music and the gosple to as many people as possible. Its an incredible opportunity and I am very blessed and lucky to have been accepted into the company!

http://pam.byu.edu/SimilarPage.asp?title=Young%20Ambassadors&StartScreen=Video/Sound%20Clips&pr=y

Head to that site if you are curious as to what the young ambassadors look and sound like! you can also jump from that page to the mains site for more info! i'll be posting more information about performances and tours in the comming months! woohoo!!!!!